11-26-2017, 07:13 AM
Definitely sticking with DMSI. Had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. There's a lot of repressed anger inside of me. And I tried to relax or meditate it away, but I realized that it can be used to fuel my growth. I'm pretty sure that's actually in the script, so I'm just picking up on that. Anyway for most of my life I've just been doing what I should do, not what I actually want to do. It really pisses me off when people use phrases like "that's just how the world works", "be realistic", "there's no money in that", etc. It's just so goddamn limiting. Here you have your life that you're supposed to live for yourself, not follow some bullshit cookie cutter mold that was put in place for you to follow. I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why I'm still depressed and it's because I'm still living in that stupid confining fear based mentality where I settle with what's "safe" or acknowledged as realistic by other people.
My main issue seems to be that all my life I've been different. I've wanted something different. And when you express that outwardly people look at you like you have 3 heads. After a while it feels like you're just wrong, delusional, defective. Instead of celebrating that difference I beat myself up about it and pretty much repressed who I am. I always envied the people who weren't afraid to be themselves and do their own thing. I never seemed able to do that, I'd always hide behind a mask. But I think that's changing now.
Also I'm pushing past the resistance more now. I kept thinking I was afraid of losing myself, but it turns out that was just an excuse for me to cling onto. Clearly I want to change otherwise I never would have ran this sub in the first place, which means I'm not afraid of losing myself because I'm tired of my old negative self defeatist self.
I think deep down I know I have a different path in life compared to what's common and I wouldn't acknowledge it because I was too afraid to venture on that path. But it's either face my fears and be happy or continue to be afraid and limit myself to a reality which makes me sick to my stomach.
My main issue seems to be that all my life I've been different. I've wanted something different. And when you express that outwardly people look at you like you have 3 heads. After a while it feels like you're just wrong, delusional, defective. Instead of celebrating that difference I beat myself up about it and pretty much repressed who I am. I always envied the people who weren't afraid to be themselves and do their own thing. I never seemed able to do that, I'd always hide behind a mask. But I think that's changing now.
Also I'm pushing past the resistance more now. I kept thinking I was afraid of losing myself, but it turns out that was just an excuse for me to cling onto. Clearly I want to change otherwise I never would have ran this sub in the first place, which means I'm not afraid of losing myself because I'm tired of my old negative self defeatist self.
I think deep down I know I have a different path in life compared to what's common and I wouldn't acknowledge it because I was too afraid to venture on that path. But it's either face my fears and be happy or continue to be afraid and limit myself to a reality which makes me sick to my stomach.
INFP
