In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

Yeah so I got to thinking about all this and how ridiculous my own life is. I've lived in such a limited way for so long I probably consider my behavior normal. But it's pretty abnormal. I don't meet new people, I don't go out, and I sure as hell don't meet women. But the thing is I just don't want to. Even when I do it's sort of this halfway feeling where it's alright but part of me just derives no pleasure from it. But I don't know. Maybe I am still afraid of too much crap. Maybe it's resistance. I'm just not a healthy person in any way. More and more I see how dysfunctional I am as a person and how much I refused to acknowledge it before.

It's just that at the core of all this is a stupid fear of opening up to anyone. And I try and try to tell myself it's alright and break down all the reasons I don't need to be afraid. But in the end it doesn't do anything and I'm incredibly frustrated at this point in my life. It feels like I'm constantly doing everything wrong or not trying hard enough. Which makes me even more anxious about opening up with people because I'm worried this stupid fear will ruin everything.

This is my biggest bottleneck. My interpersonal relationships suck. And it has nothing to do with social skills or charisma or any of that external stuff, it's just the fact I have an inability to be open enough with others about myself