11-03-2017, 01:49 PM
So big facepalm moment. I'm really happy the discomfort module is being removed in 3.2 because I have been screwing up royally with that.
I mentioned it before but I often mistake the discomfort for emotional healing and then stay in that discomfort state waiting for it to pass. Pretty much creating a cycle of resisting.
I'm trying to stay out of my head more. Just do things. I'm going to buy a tablet to draw some stuff. Nothing serious, just a stress reliever. I like sketching weird stuff. Or just fooling around and doing drawings that start as nothing and gradually develop into something. Basically the goal is to not have this turn into, "my art has to be amazing or I suck". Something that slowly happened with my music and now I'm paying the price.
On that note, had another back and forth regarding the music thing. I've decided that if I want to achieve my goal of making this more of my lifestyle I have to stop attaching my self worth to it. That means I have to accept the fact that I may never achieve the greatness I desire, but that's not the end of the world. One singular hyper focused goal, stressing to be super good, it's just a recipe for burnout.
Every single artists I admire that I've read about or seen in interviews stresses the importance of enjoying it. Some of them even say they never expected success, they just followed what they loved. I've been so focused on being good I killed that enjoyment for myself. And the biggest irony is the more I tried to be good, the less good I got.
All this circles back to perfectionism. Yes that lifelong problem I struggle with. I'm slowly dropping the demands on myself. It's hard, part of me thinks if I stop putting this pressure on myself I won't achieve anything. Fear. Which interestingly enough fear of not being good enough fuels me to hold onto the perfectionism. It's a really messed up cycle. Being so miserable, telling myself I should go easy on myself and it's ok if I'm not good, fear pops in and tells me if I keep doing this I'll never be good, restarts the cycle.
I've started reading a book on psychological defense mechanisms to better learn how to deal with all this. One thing I've come to realize is growth and healing requires some difficult reflection and sometimes I'm not willing to acknowledge it. Essentially denial, so I bounce towards the extreme and feel like I need to become superman to escape all my emotional problems. You can see how tricky this gets.
All in all, it seems like I definitely still have some growing to do. The foundation is shaky and anything I build on top of that will crumble.
I mentioned it before but I often mistake the discomfort for emotional healing and then stay in that discomfort state waiting for it to pass. Pretty much creating a cycle of resisting.
I'm trying to stay out of my head more. Just do things. I'm going to buy a tablet to draw some stuff. Nothing serious, just a stress reliever. I like sketching weird stuff. Or just fooling around and doing drawings that start as nothing and gradually develop into something. Basically the goal is to not have this turn into, "my art has to be amazing or I suck". Something that slowly happened with my music and now I'm paying the price.
On that note, had another back and forth regarding the music thing. I've decided that if I want to achieve my goal of making this more of my lifestyle I have to stop attaching my self worth to it. That means I have to accept the fact that I may never achieve the greatness I desire, but that's not the end of the world. One singular hyper focused goal, stressing to be super good, it's just a recipe for burnout.
Every single artists I admire that I've read about or seen in interviews stresses the importance of enjoying it. Some of them even say they never expected success, they just followed what they loved. I've been so focused on being good I killed that enjoyment for myself. And the biggest irony is the more I tried to be good, the less good I got.
All this circles back to perfectionism. Yes that lifelong problem I struggle with. I'm slowly dropping the demands on myself. It's hard, part of me thinks if I stop putting this pressure on myself I won't achieve anything. Fear. Which interestingly enough fear of not being good enough fuels me to hold onto the perfectionism. It's a really messed up cycle. Being so miserable, telling myself I should go easy on myself and it's ok if I'm not good, fear pops in and tells me if I keep doing this I'll never be good, restarts the cycle.
I've started reading a book on psychological defense mechanisms to better learn how to deal with all this. One thing I've come to realize is growth and healing requires some difficult reflection and sometimes I'm not willing to acknowledge it. Essentially denial, so I bounce towards the extreme and feel like I need to become superman to escape all my emotional problems. You can see how tricky this gets.
All in all, it seems like I definitely still have some growing to do. The foundation is shaky and anything I build on top of that will crumble.
INFP
