11-01-2017, 05:05 PM
I have never in my life dealt with so much utter confusion and chaos within my own mind. I don't know what to believe anymore.
So today was really slow at work and it gave me a lot of time to think about all this. I started thinking about how much I've been pushing to finish music and to hone my craft. I thought about all the sacrifices I need to make because this type of stuff requires a lot of energy and time. More than most people want to commit to if they just want to keep it as a hobby. I have put myself through some serious depression and stress over this music thing. It's like trying to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle, but all you can do is keep on creating until you find it. I thought that maybe all this was my ego. Maybe I was really just trying to seek some kind of external validation through this music and I was a slave to my desires. I got really close to calling it quits and just keeping music as a hobby because I thought it would be better that way.
And it's not. No matter how much struggle and stress I put myself through, I have this drive inside me to create and do something with it. More than just a hobby.
Just felt like writing about this because it seemed to be a really elaborate way for the fear to manifest. It seems like in life sometimes we are so afraid to do something or go for something that we create scenarios or beliefs in our heads to avoid the fear. To me, this is when things get dangerous. When you start limiting yourself, but you're not even aware of it because you think you're seeing the truth. When really you're seeing through the filter that your subconscious constructed to get you to avoid the things you fear.
So today was really slow at work and it gave me a lot of time to think about all this. I started thinking about how much I've been pushing to finish music and to hone my craft. I thought about all the sacrifices I need to make because this type of stuff requires a lot of energy and time. More than most people want to commit to if they just want to keep it as a hobby. I have put myself through some serious depression and stress over this music thing. It's like trying to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle, but all you can do is keep on creating until you find it. I thought that maybe all this was my ego. Maybe I was really just trying to seek some kind of external validation through this music and I was a slave to my desires. I got really close to calling it quits and just keeping music as a hobby because I thought it would be better that way.
And it's not. No matter how much struggle and stress I put myself through, I have this drive inside me to create and do something with it. More than just a hobby.
Just felt like writing about this because it seemed to be a really elaborate way for the fear to manifest. It seems like in life sometimes we are so afraid to do something or go for something that we create scenarios or beliefs in our heads to avoid the fear. To me, this is when things get dangerous. When you start limiting yourself, but you're not even aware of it because you think you're seeing the truth. When really you're seeing through the filter that your subconscious constructed to get you to avoid the things you fear.
INFP
