11-01-2017, 03:50 AM
Yeah so basically I've been feeling worse and better at the same time. Typically when I felt depressed or anxious I'd force myself not to feel that way. It was essentially me refusing to acknowledge what needed to be healed. Also partially because I've internalized being negative as being a "bad person". And because I had my self worth dependent on being a good person, I would deny that part of myself. So things would come up, I'd be ashamed of not being able to be a positive person, stuff it all down, then it would pop up again. Resulting in a cycle of not healing what needs to be healed.
I've realized when it comes to women, internally I still feel like the incredibly awkward and uncool teenager I was in high school. The root of my anxiety is knowing this deep down, but still trying to present myself in a favorable way to achieve a certain outcome. The fear of being found out and my charade falls apart as I get to know someone more and the parts of me I keep hidden leak out. That's the fear that's followed me for a while now and I couldn't figure it out. It seems outwardly I have changed, but what's still holding me back is still having the emotional imprint of how I was when I was younger and carrying it around like some dirty secret I have to hide from everyone.
I've realized when it comes to women, internally I still feel like the incredibly awkward and uncool teenager I was in high school. The root of my anxiety is knowing this deep down, but still trying to present myself in a favorable way to achieve a certain outcome. The fear of being found out and my charade falls apart as I get to know someone more and the parts of me I keep hidden leak out. That's the fear that's followed me for a while now and I couldn't figure it out. It seems outwardly I have changed, but what's still holding me back is still having the emotional imprint of how I was when I was younger and carrying it around like some dirty secret I have to hide from everyone.
INFP
