In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

Hey Mat.

To be short with this post, I'm really sick of myself. I feel like I'm probably drilling down into the real stuff at this point. For a good few weeks I thought I had internalized DMSI more and was finally carrying out the suggestions. Started thinking I was hot shit, confident IDGAF attitude, whatever else. All just a load of *****. If I can't maintain those attitudes and frames in a real live scenario with other people, I'm effectively just mentally masturbating about how far I've come to gratify my own ego and not deal with the harsh truth that I'm still not where I want to be. Or maybe it's a type of resistance like "hey look! Look how cool you are, look how much you don't care, look how indifferent you are, look how you're sooo confident now you're just going to hole yourself up in your house and convince yourself this is what you actually want".

Is this really caused by DMSI ? Isn't it something you felt already or you used to feel ?
This is on point the cause of most of my depression seasons. Now that I'm 32 days off from DMSI I can say most of the low moods / depression moments I was getting under DMSI were more likely not caused by DMSI or by resistance but just because that's how I feel most of the time. Pre/Post DMSI. That's my conclusion after 32 days of being pretty much mindful of my thoughts and emotions, even taking small notes, so I can objectively compare what was doing DMSI.
Before I was attributing bad days to DMSI digging up something whithin myself but in reality I think it was meant to happen anyway. Just like how, still being off from DMSI I feel crap and sick of myself sometimes. It happened tonight for example. Went out, felt like crap by seeing all these amazing people having fun. Felt drained too. Just felt like going home quickly, lie down and sink to oblivion.
Going out seems to have this effects on me most of time. Because unconsciouslly I keep comparing myself to others. I keep focusing on what I don't have, how these people out there have happy life.
Blah, blah, that sort of thing.

Ask yourself, is this something you used to think and feel ? I'm pretty sure I've always felt that way. Running DMSI and keeping a journal just helped me noticing all of that. Now when I think about it i've always been depressed my whole life. As far as I can remember even at 14yo I had suicidal thoughts, repeatedly.
It's today I just realized that. Funny how I easily forgot that.

Do you relate to my observations ?

Yeah this definitely isn't just DMSI. I've always felt like this, much like you. Feels like I constantly walk around in a state of melancholy. I try to make the best of my life, but I'm rarely as happy as everyone else around me. I'm also incredibly volatile and the slightest upsets can sometimes trigger a depressive episode in me. I've tried to be strong over the years with this stuff, but the truth is I have so little control over my emotions and it's embarrassing in a way.

But that's why I've been keeping on with DMSI. I want to be done with all this. Just want to be strong enough to live a life I want instead of settling. Just because I've always been depressed doesn't mean that's who I am and it's unchangeable. So I just keep pushing and hoping one day I break through and overcome this stuff. But who knows, maybe this is all I'll ever be and I'm just a fucked up person.

The way I see it I really only ever had two options in my life for facing all this stuff. Kill myself or keep improving myself until I become genuinely happy.