10-17-2017, 11:02 PM
Due to circumstances, I had to take a week off of MLS, and I thought its close enough to three months.
I've been playing with the idea of running AM again for a long time, but stepping back because of the time commitment and uncertainty - would I feel it more now than before, and will there be "must" title that gets released when I'm 2-3 months in. Also, I'd like to see the description of the new Overcoming anxiety sub. I'm expecting something that will focus fire on anxiety, but also bring in other kinds of healing (only) if necessary. Kinda like OF that has a switchable EPRHA backup (emphasizing only if necessary).
Anyway, I'm now on AM6 refresher, day 5. So far, this is gold! Felt the mindset switch from the first day, plus great dreams and a sensation of fear on the second night.
Wrt. MBTI, I identify with the Perceiver trait, and I've always thought of myself more of an (independent) observer and learner than a doer and experimenter. Not sure how much I'd attribute this to DMSI or MLS, but I've really gotten quite passive. Or... idk, I'm progressing at work and such, but in general it just feels like I'm waiting a lot for things to just take care of themselves. This is what the dominance focus in AM seems to "cure"; the theme of AM, for me, seems to be "Sure it all sucks a bit, but its not going to improve itself.".
Its the desire the assert my will over my reality, whereas in the past months I've just been waiting for my reality to change itself for me. There is a slightly-increased sense of control, even though nothing has changed.
How this has manifested so far (all are still subtle changes in amplitude):
+ More dominant (as in will to take control of) attitude for work
+ More dominant (controlling, participating) attitude in sex. I always used to throw her around and sort of impose my will on her (subtly), control her hands more, etc. Lately, its like I've given most of the control to her, since I've not really cared otherwise. Now suddenly it was more like before where I'll get these ideas and do them, and in general there's that feeling of penetrating and controlling that I haven't felt in a long time. Now sex was awesome at some point on DMSI, but also then I think it was mostly me receiving and there was that reactivity and uncertainty for what she will be in the mood to do next time and such.
+ (related to the previous) More dominant "date" planning. I know in my AM/SM days when I had (especially) the current gf coming over, I'd plan for it and think what I'd like to do to her and how are we going to lead up to it. I'd prepare in my mind what I want, and (gently) impose that will on her and the event. I've been thinking longingly about this, because I've not had this lately. I've been thinking that its because now we live together and there's so much work stress and all. And then a couple times she has grudgingly mentioned "I never do things for her", which is that general bs that women complain about - and I always had the red-pill-reaction that why should I - as the man - do such things that I don't care about and what has she done and so on. But now as she was away doing something she didn't really want to be doing, I had this dominant feeling of wanting to take charge of the situation and what was happening, so I did some "fluffy" things I would have previously connected to (me) being needy and women requiring special treatment and so on - but how I thought then was passive way; a passive resistance to how things are. Now I was saw it more as a dominant thing, in that I decided what I wanted, and did the actions because I wanted to. (I brought her most comfortable clothes and foot warmers right close to the door with a piece of chocolate, put all of the candles and evening lights on, prepared fancy tea for us, and chose a series on netflix that I'd press play on when she got on the couch.) This felt more like planning to fuck than subjecting to serve her. Its just interesting for me that the reason she might want this kind of "special treatment" is maybe not because she feels entitles to it in a red-pill-thinking kind of way, but more like she wants to feel a basic dominance (which instills trust in her) in that her man will accept the reality that they need such stuff and take control of (asserts his will over) the situation. From his actions, she can then clearly see what he wants, and everything is clear. Now, whether I will want to do this or the opposite in the future is irrelevant - what's important is to decide and create; not hope, wait and resist resentfully.
To sum up: I think DMSI needs dominance, bad. Just last night I had a lovely, explicit, and long dream of me having a wet threesome and taking them in turns. On DMSI I felt much more reactive. I also just flirted with a pretty women at work because, again, I felt like that was what I wanted and could risk it; on DMSI I usually just tried to let it happen somehow automatically. SM was piercing and powerful when I felt it working. I miss that. There's so much healing and self-acceptance and good things that have happened since then, but still I hope we will reincorporate the basics for men again.
I'm still waiting to see what Overcoming anxiety will be about, and I have always had a degree of PE problems. I'm thinking I might want to tackle that one a bit before moving on, because its holding me back from expression. I have somehow learned to last a long time with the gf now, but its mostly by having her on top and/or moving slowly and slowing down. Its uncomfortable and I can't really go hard at any time for more than some seconds. Note that it can often be that I haven't blown my load in 5-7 days. I like to build up since if I come too often I'll starts to experience the ED-side of things. If I have some pressure built up, I feel I'm always ready - and thus at ease. If I don't, the body chemicals won't flood me as strongly and I'll have doubts and I won't feel the sensations as strongly and I'll just be distracted by the anxiety, I think. So yeah, maybe OPE (or OA) is a more fitting program than OED - though I hope they will be combined at some point. I don't watch porn anymore, and I didn't get improvements on SM3 - if fact it got much worse on stage 6.
I've been playing with the idea of running AM again for a long time, but stepping back because of the time commitment and uncertainty - would I feel it more now than before, and will there be "must" title that gets released when I'm 2-3 months in. Also, I'd like to see the description of the new Overcoming anxiety sub. I'm expecting something that will focus fire on anxiety, but also bring in other kinds of healing (only) if necessary. Kinda like OF that has a switchable EPRHA backup (emphasizing only if necessary).
Anyway, I'm now on AM6 refresher, day 5. So far, this is gold! Felt the mindset switch from the first day, plus great dreams and a sensation of fear on the second night.
Wrt. MBTI, I identify with the Perceiver trait, and I've always thought of myself more of an (independent) observer and learner than a doer and experimenter. Not sure how much I'd attribute this to DMSI or MLS, but I've really gotten quite passive. Or... idk, I'm progressing at work and such, but in general it just feels like I'm waiting a lot for things to just take care of themselves. This is what the dominance focus in AM seems to "cure"; the theme of AM, for me, seems to be "Sure it all sucks a bit, but its not going to improve itself.".
Its the desire the assert my will over my reality, whereas in the past months I've just been waiting for my reality to change itself for me. There is a slightly-increased sense of control, even though nothing has changed.
How this has manifested so far (all are still subtle changes in amplitude):
+ More dominant (as in will to take control of) attitude for work
+ More dominant (controlling, participating) attitude in sex. I always used to throw her around and sort of impose my will on her (subtly), control her hands more, etc. Lately, its like I've given most of the control to her, since I've not really cared otherwise. Now suddenly it was more like before where I'll get these ideas and do them, and in general there's that feeling of penetrating and controlling that I haven't felt in a long time. Now sex was awesome at some point on DMSI, but also then I think it was mostly me receiving and there was that reactivity and uncertainty for what she will be in the mood to do next time and such.
+ (related to the previous) More dominant "date" planning. I know in my AM/SM days when I had (especially) the current gf coming over, I'd plan for it and think what I'd like to do to her and how are we going to lead up to it. I'd prepare in my mind what I want, and (gently) impose that will on her and the event. I've been thinking longingly about this, because I've not had this lately. I've been thinking that its because now we live together and there's so much work stress and all. And then a couple times she has grudgingly mentioned "I never do things for her", which is that general bs that women complain about - and I always had the red-pill-reaction that why should I - as the man - do such things that I don't care about and what has she done and so on. But now as she was away doing something she didn't really want to be doing, I had this dominant feeling of wanting to take charge of the situation and what was happening, so I did some "fluffy" things I would have previously connected to (me) being needy and women requiring special treatment and so on - but how I thought then was passive way; a passive resistance to how things are. Now I was saw it more as a dominant thing, in that I decided what I wanted, and did the actions because I wanted to. (I brought her most comfortable clothes and foot warmers right close to the door with a piece of chocolate, put all of the candles and evening lights on, prepared fancy tea for us, and chose a series on netflix that I'd press play on when she got on the couch.) This felt more like planning to fuck than subjecting to serve her. Its just interesting for me that the reason she might want this kind of "special treatment" is maybe not because she feels entitles to it in a red-pill-thinking kind of way, but more like she wants to feel a basic dominance (which instills trust in her) in that her man will accept the reality that they need such stuff and take control of (asserts his will over) the situation. From his actions, she can then clearly see what he wants, and everything is clear. Now, whether I will want to do this or the opposite in the future is irrelevant - what's important is to decide and create; not hope, wait and resist resentfully.
To sum up: I think DMSI needs dominance, bad. Just last night I had a lovely, explicit, and long dream of me having a wet threesome and taking them in turns. On DMSI I felt much more reactive. I also just flirted with a pretty women at work because, again, I felt like that was what I wanted and could risk it; on DMSI I usually just tried to let it happen somehow automatically. SM was piercing and powerful when I felt it working. I miss that. There's so much healing and self-acceptance and good things that have happened since then, but still I hope we will reincorporate the basics for men again.
I'm still waiting to see what Overcoming anxiety will be about, and I have always had a degree of PE problems. I'm thinking I might want to tackle that one a bit before moving on, because its holding me back from expression. I have somehow learned to last a long time with the gf now, but its mostly by having her on top and/or moving slowly and slowing down. Its uncomfortable and I can't really go hard at any time for more than some seconds. Note that it can often be that I haven't blown my load in 5-7 days. I like to build up since if I come too often I'll starts to experience the ED-side of things. If I have some pressure built up, I feel I'm always ready - and thus at ease. If I don't, the body chemicals won't flood me as strongly and I'll have doubts and I won't feel the sensations as strongly and I'll just be distracted by the anxiety, I think. So yeah, maybe OPE (or OA) is a more fitting program than OED - though I hope they will be combined at some point. I don't watch porn anymore, and I didn't get improvements on SM3 - if fact it got much worse on stage 6.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
