I am reading a book on codependency right now as I felt that the issue have been present in myself but also because I suspected that I lived with someone (my mother) that could have it. It's called "Codependent no more" and so far about 1/5 of the book in I recognize many tendensens that are described in the examples by the author.
Link to the book:
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-Mo...0894864025
When I was at my rock bottom I tried to control other people, and felt as a real victim most of the time, as the world was against me. That is not true, but at that moment I didn't realize it, as it felt as true as anything else. But being in that dark place, I now can recognize when other people are showing the same symptoms that I did, e.g. trying to control other peoples behaviors, being susceptible to other peoples responses to things they say or do, etc. My own case of codependency is slowly dissolving and with it I am taking more responsibility for my own emotions and expect less of the outside world to make me feel in a certain way, for every day I feel more of myself, and feel more like myself. Things are starting to get more genuine and my relationships are improving, because I can now relate to other people and not look at them from inside my own shut-off world, I'm more able to be present in the moment that is happening, rather than try to "fight off" things that felt they were coming for me, being in constant defense-mode. I start find things I enjoy again and I am looking forward to doing things such as sports and cooking. It feels amazing, just writing this make me realize that I have come a long way from where I have been, and my healing journey have gotten to a point where I am myself starting to realize that results are happening and feel there is some momentum going on.
Codependency have also been in my life from my mothers side, who, the more I read the book, realize that she is codependent. What I learned over time, and also is in the book, is that I can't go around be understanding of codependency and try to adapt my behavior to make my mom feel better. It's a never ending "aiding process" to do that, I have to take care of myself and how I feel. I have no responsibility for her emotions and how she feel, however she react, she can be angry, sad, etc. but the only person that can break her feeling of hopelessness or despair will be herself in the end. Maybe it sounds hard, but this is how life should be lived, and should be. We cannot go around comfort each other, and give in to emotionally needy people. We have to take care of ourselves, this is so central and I have never understood it. And it takes time to change this habit of mine to be therefor other people, but I seek inspiration in other people who are emotionally healthy and trust the process, and I know that I will come out on the other side much happier and healthier. Victimization should never be fed.
Addition:
As I am reading about how codependent people can use shame to get what they want, I realized that my mother have been shaming me in taking care of my own emotional needs by telling me that was egoistic and not desirable. At that moment, I surely believed her, and I believe that some of my problems stem from this, as I still am working with overcoming the feeling of shame in my own emotional needs and in feeling pleasure for example. Her reasons for doing this, was that if I started to care for my own needs, I would no longer care for her needs. She often complain about that no one is thinking of her, which the author lay out as one characteristic of codependent people. Damn, this book shed so much light and put so many words on things that I have known but not being able to formulate myself.
Link to the book:
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-Mo...0894864025
When I was at my rock bottom I tried to control other people, and felt as a real victim most of the time, as the world was against me. That is not true, but at that moment I didn't realize it, as it felt as true as anything else. But being in that dark place, I now can recognize when other people are showing the same symptoms that I did, e.g. trying to control other peoples behaviors, being susceptible to other peoples responses to things they say or do, etc. My own case of codependency is slowly dissolving and with it I am taking more responsibility for my own emotions and expect less of the outside world to make me feel in a certain way, for every day I feel more of myself, and feel more like myself. Things are starting to get more genuine and my relationships are improving, because I can now relate to other people and not look at them from inside my own shut-off world, I'm more able to be present in the moment that is happening, rather than try to "fight off" things that felt they were coming for me, being in constant defense-mode. I start find things I enjoy again and I am looking forward to doing things such as sports and cooking. It feels amazing, just writing this make me realize that I have come a long way from where I have been, and my healing journey have gotten to a point where I am myself starting to realize that results are happening and feel there is some momentum going on.
Codependency have also been in my life from my mothers side, who, the more I read the book, realize that she is codependent. What I learned over time, and also is in the book, is that I can't go around be understanding of codependency and try to adapt my behavior to make my mom feel better. It's a never ending "aiding process" to do that, I have to take care of myself and how I feel. I have no responsibility for her emotions and how she feel, however she react, she can be angry, sad, etc. but the only person that can break her feeling of hopelessness or despair will be herself in the end. Maybe it sounds hard, but this is how life should be lived, and should be. We cannot go around comfort each other, and give in to emotionally needy people. We have to take care of ourselves, this is so central and I have never understood it. And it takes time to change this habit of mine to be therefor other people, but I seek inspiration in other people who are emotionally healthy and trust the process, and I know that I will come out on the other side much happier and healthier. Victimization should never be fed.
Addition:
As I am reading about how codependent people can use shame to get what they want, I realized that my mother have been shaming me in taking care of my own emotional needs by telling me that was egoistic and not desirable. At that moment, I surely believed her, and I believe that some of my problems stem from this, as I still am working with overcoming the feeling of shame in my own emotional needs and in feeling pleasure for example. Her reasons for doing this, was that if I started to care for my own needs, I would no longer care for her needs. She often complain about that no one is thinking of her, which the author lay out as one characteristic of codependent people. Damn, this book shed so much light and put so many words on things that I have known but not being able to formulate myself.
