10-13-2017, 07:11 AM
I'm having one of these day where everything feels to hell, like I am shut inside of myself and trying to break out of a shell but I cant, because I am stuck. Like I have hit a dam and I am just hitting it over and over and the water is just piling up behind it and can't get through. Like a ocean that is trying to flow into a thin lake, pushing, pushing, pushing and it just feels like hell. Like everything has not given anything, like I am still stuck at the bottom, worthless, with no ability to concentrate, to access my skills and abilities, like I am just sitting here and not being able to work. Like it's so long until I am recovered.
BUT. I know that is not true. It's a feeling, a state of being which is created because I hit some new layer to heal through. Still, it sucks, it's feels just like I am describing above. Like I am here, but now here. Like "I" am behind a light switch that goes on, and off, on and off, on and off, but not really fully on. It's frustrating. And that is good. Why? Because when it's frustrating, there is something behind that wall, something that want to break out. The frustration is coming from the real me that want to break out. Giving up is never the question, not anymore, now it's just pure frustration and is lingering through my existence. And other people frustrate me, not because of who they are or what they do specifically, but because they make me even more frustrated and aware of my inability to express myself.
Maybe I should just try to express, but I fear something fear of being interrupted, not understood and ridiculed. Because of that other people have a hard time to listen carefully and understand as they often are absorbed inside themselves. I have tried. But it just create more irritation for myself. The best outlet I have is this, writing and letting my thoughts flow out in a way that is unconstrained and not so vulnerable to other peoples judgements, as I am vulnerable to those in real person. Here they can flow as they want, be as they are and not having to be explained and interpreted by someone else, just be what they are for themselves. As they should. Maybe sometimes they need to be clarified, but not always, sometimes they just need to be for themselves, to let the person behind them express them for their own sake.
F*ck me. Really. Sometimes it's just sucks to be me. F*CKING SHIT, HELL. Yes that's how i feel. But I also feel that the dam is slowly dissipating, and with that I'm more able to express myself and find my way back to who I am and just "be", not be stuck inside my head with my thoughts and this constant babbling and worrying. F*ck that. It's not productive in any way. I know my perspectives are skewed but what should I do about it? They get better for every day, but right now they are as they are, and I am as I am and I just need to be able to be that way, not being worried about that I have done something wrong ,that I need to do something for things to be OK, but JUST BE SO LET ME BE FOR F*CK SAKE AND MIND YOUR OWN F*CKING BUSINESS (not adressed to you as a reader but for certain people in my life).
BUT. I know that is not true. It's a feeling, a state of being which is created because I hit some new layer to heal through. Still, it sucks, it's feels just like I am describing above. Like I am here, but now here. Like "I" am behind a light switch that goes on, and off, on and off, on and off, but not really fully on. It's frustrating. And that is good. Why? Because when it's frustrating, there is something behind that wall, something that want to break out. The frustration is coming from the real me that want to break out. Giving up is never the question, not anymore, now it's just pure frustration and is lingering through my existence. And other people frustrate me, not because of who they are or what they do specifically, but because they make me even more frustrated and aware of my inability to express myself.
Maybe I should just try to express, but I fear something fear of being interrupted, not understood and ridiculed. Because of that other people have a hard time to listen carefully and understand as they often are absorbed inside themselves. I have tried. But it just create more irritation for myself. The best outlet I have is this, writing and letting my thoughts flow out in a way that is unconstrained and not so vulnerable to other peoples judgements, as I am vulnerable to those in real person. Here they can flow as they want, be as they are and not having to be explained and interpreted by someone else, just be what they are for themselves. As they should. Maybe sometimes they need to be clarified, but not always, sometimes they just need to be for themselves, to let the person behind them express them for their own sake.
F*ck me. Really. Sometimes it's just sucks to be me. F*CKING SHIT, HELL. Yes that's how i feel. But I also feel that the dam is slowly dissipating, and with that I'm more able to express myself and find my way back to who I am and just "be", not be stuck inside my head with my thoughts and this constant babbling and worrying. F*ck that. It's not productive in any way. I know my perspectives are skewed but what should I do about it? They get better for every day, but right now they are as they are, and I am as I am and I just need to be able to be that way, not being worried about that I have done something wrong ,that I need to do something for things to be OK, but JUST BE SO LET ME BE FOR F*CK SAKE AND MIND YOUR OWN F*CKING BUSINESS (not adressed to you as a reader but for certain people in my life).
