10-05-2017, 02:10 PM
I had a long think about all this. This might get long, so yeah.
All my life I've run away from things. Told myself I'll take it easy, go at my own pace. The problem is my own pace isn't really a pace at all. I just delude myself into believing I'm getting better, but I just stay in my comfort zone. Being off DMSI for a couple of days I see myself slipping back into that. The familiar pattern of running away instead of going forward. I can't go back to that, if I do I know I'll be miserable.
It hit me today that the weight I put in my negative opinions of myself are what hold me back. Instead of trying to fight off fear or resistance I've been encouraging myself that I can get better and improve my life on dmsi. Stopped focusing on how DMSI is gonna make me so miserable,depressed, or anxious. Really all that is just me buying into the thoughts I tell myself thinking I can't change or live a better life.
I guess I started thinking about shame and guilt too. Noticed I have a lot built up around just being a generally cool admired person. If I'm ashamed of wanting to be better and have people think better of me, I'm not gonna get there because the shame will block that goal. So many people advise you not to care what other's think and how wanting approval is weak or insecure. Yeah, but I do want approval. Who am I kidding pretending I'm above it? So after I came to that realization I found myself thinking that there's so much in life that I want but I've just been guilty or ashamed about having. The thing is when you want something and can't get it, it feels bad. But if you want something and can get it, such as using these subs it stops being a problem really. So do I want tons of attention from women? Yeah I do. Is that approval seeking? Probably. But I'm sure if I live it long enough it won't matter as much to me. But if I keep trying to take this high road of being above approval seeking, I'll never make progress.
I've always been more on the side of "accept yourself and your flaws won't matter as much". But you know what? As a human being, yeah I'm good enough. Can I improve on a lot? Yeah. But just because I need to improve doesn't mean I'm not good enough. And accepting myself shouldn't mean accepting parts of myself I really don't like. For the longest time I've had this attitude of "I suck and I'm not good enough, so if I'm just upfront and honest with that attitude with I'll only keep around the people that truly care about me". But it's flawed to begin with. Starting from that attitude is just setting me up for misery. Accepting yourself is tricky. It's easy to fall into complacency and pat yourself on the back for it. That's what I did.
All that being said. I'm sticking with DMSI. Probably gonna hop back on it tonight actually. We'll see where this goes. At this point in my life I don't think I need to go on an inner quest to find myself. If anything I have to pretty much reinvent myself and stop attaching all this importance to my old self and it being more authentic or valid than what I'm becoming. I'd say that's my number 1 issue with subs, leaving behind the old self, feeling like the new self is somehow 'fake' or 'inauthentic'. Stupid stuff, but it does cause issues.
All my life I've run away from things. Told myself I'll take it easy, go at my own pace. The problem is my own pace isn't really a pace at all. I just delude myself into believing I'm getting better, but I just stay in my comfort zone. Being off DMSI for a couple of days I see myself slipping back into that. The familiar pattern of running away instead of going forward. I can't go back to that, if I do I know I'll be miserable.
It hit me today that the weight I put in my negative opinions of myself are what hold me back. Instead of trying to fight off fear or resistance I've been encouraging myself that I can get better and improve my life on dmsi. Stopped focusing on how DMSI is gonna make me so miserable,depressed, or anxious. Really all that is just me buying into the thoughts I tell myself thinking I can't change or live a better life.
I guess I started thinking about shame and guilt too. Noticed I have a lot built up around just being a generally cool admired person. If I'm ashamed of wanting to be better and have people think better of me, I'm not gonna get there because the shame will block that goal. So many people advise you not to care what other's think and how wanting approval is weak or insecure. Yeah, but I do want approval. Who am I kidding pretending I'm above it? So after I came to that realization I found myself thinking that there's so much in life that I want but I've just been guilty or ashamed about having. The thing is when you want something and can't get it, it feels bad. But if you want something and can get it, such as using these subs it stops being a problem really. So do I want tons of attention from women? Yeah I do. Is that approval seeking? Probably. But I'm sure if I live it long enough it won't matter as much to me. But if I keep trying to take this high road of being above approval seeking, I'll never make progress.
I've always been more on the side of "accept yourself and your flaws won't matter as much". But you know what? As a human being, yeah I'm good enough. Can I improve on a lot? Yeah. But just because I need to improve doesn't mean I'm not good enough. And accepting myself shouldn't mean accepting parts of myself I really don't like. For the longest time I've had this attitude of "I suck and I'm not good enough, so if I'm just upfront and honest with that attitude with I'll only keep around the people that truly care about me". But it's flawed to begin with. Starting from that attitude is just setting me up for misery. Accepting yourself is tricky. It's easy to fall into complacency and pat yourself on the back for it. That's what I did.
All that being said. I'm sticking with DMSI. Probably gonna hop back on it tonight actually. We'll see where this goes. At this point in my life I don't think I need to go on an inner quest to find myself. If anything I have to pretty much reinvent myself and stop attaching all this importance to my old self and it being more authentic or valid than what I'm becoming. I'd say that's my number 1 issue with subs, leaving behind the old self, feeling like the new self is somehow 'fake' or 'inauthentic'. Stupid stuff, but it does cause issues.
INFP
