09-20-2017, 03:27 PM
On my way home from work and I hit a light that was turning yellow and slowed down. I probably could have made it through if I gunned it, but I didn't feel like maybe getting a ticket or stressing about making a red light. But as I came to a stop some guy was right up on my ass. I noticed all my thoughts were focused on how much of shitty driver I am, or this guy cursing me out, or being a loser somehow for not speeding up through a light. This one event, then I realized I do this all day, every day. I'm so exhausted all the time because I'm non stop anxious about what other people think of me.
I think this all stems back to my fear of not being good enough. I've lived my life in such a way that I mold myself into what I think people want to see instead of just being myself. Also when I'm not good at something or come across a challenge I almost lose it. Today at work I had to repair a printer and the pieces weren't fitting back together. I started panicking, thinking that if I couldn't do this I couldn't make it in this job, I'd get fired, my parents would be disappointed, and I'd be a failure. My worth is so tied up in my capabilities as a person that when I can't do something or I try and screw it up I perceive it as a threat to my survival.
As far as women go. The whole being a virgin thing, I feel like I'm so nervous about sex and screwing it all up with some girl that I just avoid the whole thing completely.
I just need to be healed. I need to stop this neverending anxiety about my self worth as a person and just be happy with who I am. It all makes so much sense from a logical perspective, but emotionally none of it really clicks yet.
After upping to 4 loops a lot of this stuff has come to light so I'm willing to bet that there's a lot more I need to dig up to let go of that my subconscious was hiding from me to avoid putting myself into situations that do threaten this whole self worth thing.
I think this all stems back to my fear of not being good enough. I've lived my life in such a way that I mold myself into what I think people want to see instead of just being myself. Also when I'm not good at something or come across a challenge I almost lose it. Today at work I had to repair a printer and the pieces weren't fitting back together. I started panicking, thinking that if I couldn't do this I couldn't make it in this job, I'd get fired, my parents would be disappointed, and I'd be a failure. My worth is so tied up in my capabilities as a person that when I can't do something or I try and screw it up I perceive it as a threat to my survival.
As far as women go. The whole being a virgin thing, I feel like I'm so nervous about sex and screwing it all up with some girl that I just avoid the whole thing completely.
I just need to be healed. I need to stop this neverending anxiety about my self worth as a person and just be happy with who I am. It all makes so much sense from a logical perspective, but emotionally none of it really clicks yet.
After upping to 4 loops a lot of this stuff has come to light so I'm willing to bet that there's a lot more I need to dig up to let go of that my subconscious was hiding from me to avoid putting myself into situations that do threaten this whole self worth thing.
INFP
