09-09-2017, 09:02 PM
Late night epiphany. I feel like crap because I'm not living the life I want. I got this new job and everyone around me is all happy for me. I'm not. I've been faking enthusiasm for this stuff just because it felt like I was supposed to be happy. I'm just done pretending to be happy. No, having a job that sets me up for retirement doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't feel good to spend 8 hours of my day giving away my energy to someone else. It doesn't feel good to put my music on the side as a hobby. It doesn't feel good having a life path based around fear that my parents instilled in me.
I've always known I wanted something different in life. I've always had dreams and aspirations and I tried my best not to listen to the naysayers. But I'm done compromising. Am I grateful for this job? Yeah, I'm going to learn a good amount and it'll make it easier for jobs in the future. But I'm not gonna sit here and try to come up with excuses or fake happiness to get myself to settle in this job because of fear. Good enough isn't going to cut it anymore.
I'm pissed because for years now I've been beating myself up about not being able to get my shit together. But you know what? I don't think I'm the problem. In fact, I think the problem is me thinking I need to change myself more to fit into whatever system most people follow. Fuck the system. Fuck the people who pressure you to buy into the system and criticize you for wanting something different.
I don't rant about this stuff in day to day life, I don't even bring it up. I find very often when I do people take on this attitude of "yeah quit your bitching, get in line, you're not special, this is how the world works get used to it". And honestly I'm sick of this mentality. I'm so done with worrying what other people think of me. If they want to call me a special snowflake, entitled, immature, naiive, whatever. I just don't care anymore, this is my life and I know what I want and I'm done feeling guilty for that. I don't have to explain or justify my actions to anyone
I've always known I wanted something different in life. I've always had dreams and aspirations and I tried my best not to listen to the naysayers. But I'm done compromising. Am I grateful for this job? Yeah, I'm going to learn a good amount and it'll make it easier for jobs in the future. But I'm not gonna sit here and try to come up with excuses or fake happiness to get myself to settle in this job because of fear. Good enough isn't going to cut it anymore.
I'm pissed because for years now I've been beating myself up about not being able to get my shit together. But you know what? I don't think I'm the problem. In fact, I think the problem is me thinking I need to change myself more to fit into whatever system most people follow. Fuck the system. Fuck the people who pressure you to buy into the system and criticize you for wanting something different.
I don't rant about this stuff in day to day life, I don't even bring it up. I find very often when I do people take on this attitude of "yeah quit your bitching, get in line, you're not special, this is how the world works get used to it". And honestly I'm sick of this mentality. I'm so done with worrying what other people think of me. If they want to call me a special snowflake, entitled, immature, naiive, whatever. I just don't care anymore, this is my life and I know what I want and I'm done feeling guilty for that. I don't have to explain or justify my actions to anyone
INFP
