Had a whole post typed out, but then I realized it amounted to this. Life isn't fair. We all deal with different stuff. Instead of spending my time wondering why everyone else seems to have an easier time with stuff, I should focus on how I can improve what I can.
Going back to 4 loops tonight. After two days of two loops I realized that the internal pressure was off, but I was still miserable. I was miserable on 6 loops and more tired, but I was moving forward. Trying to avoid whatever it was that DMSI was bringing up isn't the answer. I just need to find the sweet spot for me. I was blaming DMSI for my procrastination and inability to focus, but after taking a break from the 6 loops I realized it's still there. Still the same old bad habits, just slightly less tired. The reason I'm going back to 4 instead of 6 is because 6 left me really spacey, forgetful, and inattentive. Since I'm starting a new job soon I can't have that, despite what benefits may come from the healing.
Feels like after I went back to two the resistance kicked back in and now my subconscious is urging me to get back on 4 to stay on track. Do I want to do it? No not really, if I'm honest. It's like I know what's gonna happen if I go back to 4, I'm gonna face my fears and I'm going to keep pushing forward and that scares the crap out of me. But I've ran from most things in my life so the least I can do is face the internal stuff and fight through it.
It's just been really rough. I waver between look how much I've accomplished. And look how much I've accomplished for my ego. Especially with my music. I made a track I'm pretty happy with, but old habits die hard and I found myself elevating how great the track was compared to others. And I do this because it's easier for me to put down others stuff and feel good about my own instead of facing the more objective observation that my music still needs massive improvement in several different areas. Of course I also hold onto that validation through my music because I still base my self worth on it, but that's an issue DMSI has to clear and I think that's what it was getting to these past few days and I chickened out because it hurt so bad.
Also for a bit of humor. The other day I almost brushed my teeth with liquid hand soap. Had the little dispenser and I squirt that on my toothbrush instead actual toothpaste.
Going back to 4 loops tonight. After two days of two loops I realized that the internal pressure was off, but I was still miserable. I was miserable on 6 loops and more tired, but I was moving forward. Trying to avoid whatever it was that DMSI was bringing up isn't the answer. I just need to find the sweet spot for me. I was blaming DMSI for my procrastination and inability to focus, but after taking a break from the 6 loops I realized it's still there. Still the same old bad habits, just slightly less tired. The reason I'm going back to 4 instead of 6 is because 6 left me really spacey, forgetful, and inattentive. Since I'm starting a new job soon I can't have that, despite what benefits may come from the healing.
Feels like after I went back to two the resistance kicked back in and now my subconscious is urging me to get back on 4 to stay on track. Do I want to do it? No not really, if I'm honest. It's like I know what's gonna happen if I go back to 4, I'm gonna face my fears and I'm going to keep pushing forward and that scares the crap out of me. But I've ran from most things in my life so the least I can do is face the internal stuff and fight through it.
It's just been really rough. I waver between look how much I've accomplished. And look how much I've accomplished for my ego. Especially with my music. I made a track I'm pretty happy with, but old habits die hard and I found myself elevating how great the track was compared to others. And I do this because it's easier for me to put down others stuff and feel good about my own instead of facing the more objective observation that my music still needs massive improvement in several different areas. Of course I also hold onto that validation through my music because I still base my self worth on it, but that's an issue DMSI has to clear and I think that's what it was getting to these past few days and I chickened out because it hurt so bad.
Also for a bit of humor. The other day I almost brushed my teeth with liquid hand soap. Had the little dispenser and I squirt that on my toothbrush instead actual toothpaste.
