Day 26
Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spVSVRf58Wg
Every time I sit down to write an update, Ichigo posts something that sort of aligns with where I am, and I get to read my would be posts vicariously through him.
On the upside, that's been fantastic for me, as it feeds into my laziness to write what's going on with me. On the downside, I should really f*cking man up and post what's going on in my head.
The body detox seems to be slowing down some, and I am actually the lowest weight that I have been in 6 years. My motivation to workout has been through the roof, and I eat cleaner than I have at any other time in my life.
My dessert is limited to a piece of 78% cacao dark chocolate. I still haven't had coffee, tea, or soda in almost four months.
I have bouts of frustration every now and again, and my temper is short and I tend to be curt with people at times. It's not necessarily that I am angry, as much as I am inpatient in certain scenarios. This has manifested in areas of work where I feel like things are being done inefficiently, or people are approaching something with a short sighted view of the problem.
That's been the closest that I've come to what I can consider a negative with the program so far. In the past four weeks, I think I had a headache three times.
I've also been so focused and productive, even when I want to procrastinate and hang back, I can't seem to do it. This has been extremely positive for me, as I keep cutting through work in a way that I can't remember doing in years.
However, this extreme drive to focus on work is coming at the cost of my personal life. I haven't really connected with anyone socially over the past few weeks. Even when it comes to women, I have had zero desire.
The irony of that last statement is that I have bouts of extreme sexual desire. But it's such a fleeting feeling, it becomes overwhelming for a few minutes and then it passes. I've even disconnected with K for the past 3 weeks. Thankfully, she knows how I throw myself into my work, a benefit of knowing someone almost 20 years, that she hasn't taken it personally. At least not that I can tell.
MLS has a different kind of confidence programming built into it. This single focus drive I have, and the confidence to fulfill whatever undertaking I seem to be driving myself towards, is disconnecting me from a lot of the general social customs in a way. This may again, be a calibration issue which will settle itself out in a few weeks, but that singular drive is even apparent when I am walking down the street. I don't acknowledge the people around me. It comes off as me being rude, but the fact of the matter is everything I do is driven to a specific outcome. The distraction of people around me no longer registers.
However, I come off as an asshole in that case. I'm trying to adjust for that, because there's no reason for me to be unintentionally rude to others.
Lately I've been getting late afternoon hits of exhaustion, where I usually come home and need to crash for an hour after work. After the nap I'm usually good for several hours and I'm able to continue working late into the night.
I haven't drawn for the past few weeks, but, my artistic expression is coming through in my cooking. My ability to create exquisite culinary creations has been at another level.
It's only been in the last 5 days that I feel like MLS is finally running on it's own, as I literally hopped off DMSI when I started my MLS run. Everyday this sub drives deeper into my psyche and I'm peeling away the layers of what lays behind the Iron Curtains of my mind.
On a final note, I haven't had a drink in more than 3 weeks, and I have zero desire for one. I generally don't drink very often, instead doing it only socially, however, now alcohol is completely a thing of my past.
I feel close to a breakthrough of some sort - I just don't yet know what lay behind the other side of the wall, waiting for me.
Only a matter of time I suppose.
Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spVSVRf58Wg
Every time I sit down to write an update, Ichigo posts something that sort of aligns with where I am, and I get to read my would be posts vicariously through him.
On the upside, that's been fantastic for me, as it feeds into my laziness to write what's going on with me. On the downside, I should really f*cking man up and post what's going on in my head.
The body detox seems to be slowing down some, and I am actually the lowest weight that I have been in 6 years. My motivation to workout has been through the roof, and I eat cleaner than I have at any other time in my life.
My dessert is limited to a piece of 78% cacao dark chocolate. I still haven't had coffee, tea, or soda in almost four months.
I have bouts of frustration every now and again, and my temper is short and I tend to be curt with people at times. It's not necessarily that I am angry, as much as I am inpatient in certain scenarios. This has manifested in areas of work where I feel like things are being done inefficiently, or people are approaching something with a short sighted view of the problem.
That's been the closest that I've come to what I can consider a negative with the program so far. In the past four weeks, I think I had a headache three times.
I've also been so focused and productive, even when I want to procrastinate and hang back, I can't seem to do it. This has been extremely positive for me, as I keep cutting through work in a way that I can't remember doing in years.
However, this extreme drive to focus on work is coming at the cost of my personal life. I haven't really connected with anyone socially over the past few weeks. Even when it comes to women, I have had zero desire.
The irony of that last statement is that I have bouts of extreme sexual desire. But it's such a fleeting feeling, it becomes overwhelming for a few minutes and then it passes. I've even disconnected with K for the past 3 weeks. Thankfully, she knows how I throw myself into my work, a benefit of knowing someone almost 20 years, that she hasn't taken it personally. At least not that I can tell.
MLS has a different kind of confidence programming built into it. This single focus drive I have, and the confidence to fulfill whatever undertaking I seem to be driving myself towards, is disconnecting me from a lot of the general social customs in a way. This may again, be a calibration issue which will settle itself out in a few weeks, but that singular drive is even apparent when I am walking down the street. I don't acknowledge the people around me. It comes off as me being rude, but the fact of the matter is everything I do is driven to a specific outcome. The distraction of people around me no longer registers.
However, I come off as an asshole in that case. I'm trying to adjust for that, because there's no reason for me to be unintentionally rude to others.
Lately I've been getting late afternoon hits of exhaustion, where I usually come home and need to crash for an hour after work. After the nap I'm usually good for several hours and I'm able to continue working late into the night.
I haven't drawn for the past few weeks, but, my artistic expression is coming through in my cooking. My ability to create exquisite culinary creations has been at another level.
It's only been in the last 5 days that I feel like MLS is finally running on it's own, as I literally hopped off DMSI when I started my MLS run. Everyday this sub drives deeper into my psyche and I'm peeling away the layers of what lays behind the Iron Curtains of my mind.
On a final note, I haven't had a drink in more than 3 weeks, and I have zero desire for one. I generally don't drink very often, instead doing it only socially, however, now alcohol is completely a thing of my past.
I feel close to a breakthrough of some sort - I just don't yet know what lay behind the other side of the wall, waiting for me.
Only a matter of time I suppose.
