08-10-2017, 06:03 AM
Screw it. Feels like I've been intellectualizing this whole emotional healing process way too much. Trying to figure out how to do it the best way, being afraid of getting stuck, being afraid of reverting to old habits, etc. But by trying to control the whole thing I'm not getting the benefits. I just have to let go and if I feel bad, well I feel bad and I make the best of it. There's this fear inside of me I guess that if I go too deep into these emotional issues I'll get sucked into them and my life will return to what it was like a couple of years ago.
But it feels like it's all building up inside of me with no release for the past few days. This job, this new job I'm afraid of, my whole life how nothing really feels right to me despite what I do, constantly feeling like I"m just trying and not really living, feels like I have to psyche myself up to go into the outside world and it's draining. Just a ton of stuff that's on my mind and how when I really stop to think about it I question what the hell am I doing? Feels like I'm just running out the clock until I die instead of living each day to the fullest. Just feels like I want to let go and just be. Just absolutely fed up with modern society and feeling like I have to make excuses for why I don't really fit in all that well when it's really not my problem to begin with. So many people are just jerks and I'm sick of having their behavior influence me in any way shape or form. It kills me how I'm so reactive to it even when I tell myself I won't be. Just really really want to detach from the influence of anybody. I guess part of that comes from my self worth, I need to feel good enough about myself where other's opinions of me matter very little. But at the moment I don't seem to think too highly of myself so when I do encounter the occasional jerk their actions mirror my own internal beliefs about myself.
But it feels like it's all building up inside of me with no release for the past few days. This job, this new job I'm afraid of, my whole life how nothing really feels right to me despite what I do, constantly feeling like I"m just trying and not really living, feels like I have to psyche myself up to go into the outside world and it's draining. Just a ton of stuff that's on my mind and how when I really stop to think about it I question what the hell am I doing? Feels like I'm just running out the clock until I die instead of living each day to the fullest. Just feels like I want to let go and just be. Just absolutely fed up with modern society and feeling like I have to make excuses for why I don't really fit in all that well when it's really not my problem to begin with. So many people are just jerks and I'm sick of having their behavior influence me in any way shape or form. It kills me how I'm so reactive to it even when I tell myself I won't be. Just really really want to detach from the influence of anybody. I guess part of that comes from my self worth, I need to feel good enough about myself where other's opinions of me matter very little. But at the moment I don't seem to think too highly of myself so when I do encounter the occasional jerk their actions mirror my own internal beliefs about myself.
