07-19-2017, 01:12 PM
Still a mess internally but it's all good. Notice I have some emotions pop up throughout the day and I've been going through them instead of hiding or attempting to let them go. I think all this time I thought I was letting stuff go I was just repressing it. It got to the point where it felt like my head was buzzing with angry bees and I was pissed at everyone and everything.
Realized I've got a lot of internalized hatred for people, need to let that poison go. At least now I'm owning up to it. Before I was like no I'm a good person, I don't hate people, I accept people, etc. But denial of that just made it stronger. The shadow self and all that. There's definitely a power in becoming ok with the less desirable aspects of yourself. In my case I definitely want to be less judgemental of people. But having it come from a genuinely authentic center in myself, not this trying to not be judgemental so I think of myself as a good person crap.
Living more with an open heart instead of in fear. I've realized fear makes you very selfish, closed off, and judgemental. It disconnects you from people and makes you feel alone. I've always been paranoid of people's motives so I'm very cautious of trusting people. At the same time I feel like I close myself off to people who are good as well. It's a terrible way to live life.
Needless to say, not really expecting much on the DMSI front until I work through this stuff. It probably puts up a huge barrier between me and women.
Realized I've got a lot of internalized hatred for people, need to let that poison go. At least now I'm owning up to it. Before I was like no I'm a good person, I don't hate people, I accept people, etc. But denial of that just made it stronger. The shadow self and all that. There's definitely a power in becoming ok with the less desirable aspects of yourself. In my case I definitely want to be less judgemental of people. But having it come from a genuinely authentic center in myself, not this trying to not be judgemental so I think of myself as a good person crap.
Living more with an open heart instead of in fear. I've realized fear makes you very selfish, closed off, and judgemental. It disconnects you from people and makes you feel alone. I've always been paranoid of people's motives so I'm very cautious of trusting people. At the same time I feel like I close myself off to people who are good as well. It's a terrible way to live life.
Needless to say, not really expecting much on the DMSI front until I work through this stuff. It probably puts up a huge barrier between me and women.
