06-25-2017, 06:38 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-25-2017, 08:12 AM by Raikahoken.)
I have been playing 4 loops of A at night. This week was quite an emotionally tiring week.
Firstly it was my last week at work. I have been looking forward to it so much. Everyday at work was just counting the hours. On Friday when it was my last day I felt such a euphoria. My future is uncertain but that's what I do best; introspecting the shit out of life and charting my own path outside the box.
Still I noticed patterns of thoughts where I would be insecure because I reminded myself that my ex is very happy with her life and work right now. Ever since that breakup I have subconsciously always compared myself to her.
On the women front, still no obvious IOIs from strangers. Things were progressing better on tinder. I number closed a bunch of girls and met up with two this week, 19 and 28 years old.
Both times the conversation was flowing well but no sexual chemistry. I was thinking of a way to escalate and introduce sexuality to the conversation. I ended up not finding it both times. With the 19 year old I managed to find a good place, a planetarium-like cosy space in the museum. The vibe was nice so I escalated smoothly. Made out a lot, she was aroused, but there were many kids around. I had dance after that so couldn't move her to hotel.
With the 28 year old though there was no such a place. Just continued along the same sterile and platonic vein until we were talking about meaning of life and such. Goodness that's not what I want from a date! I realised it was also because I was not really attracted to her. I wasn't even excited with the prospect of escalating on her, I just felt it was something I had to do. All this while I was still operating on the scarcity mentality where I thought of every date as scarce and I had to make something happen with every single one. Last night just the process of trying to think of a natural way to escalate left me feeling bad, like I was selling myself short. I resolve not to go after girls I'm not genuinely attracted to anymore. I need to have better filtering processes in online game.
What's more, the 28 year old's energy was so clean. She has such an abundance mentality and loving her life right now. She's a yoga teacher living day to day. When I asked her about relationships, she totally has no need for guys now. I just found it very uninspiring because I didn't see what my escalation could add to her life. People say such girls with abundant mentality are better choices, but I notice I gravitate more to girls with clear emotional needs because it's easy to see where I can add value.
I have also been very unsure of what need I have for girls. What place does girls have in my life right now? Why do I need sex? What's the point of it? Sometimes in situations when I know logically I should escalate, I wonder what's the point. Is it worth it to spend so much time to get a temporary good feeling? I don't know.
Just a very confused time right now. I am going to do 5 loops starting from tonight, for one more week, and then I might switch to B.
Firstly it was my last week at work. I have been looking forward to it so much. Everyday at work was just counting the hours. On Friday when it was my last day I felt such a euphoria. My future is uncertain but that's what I do best; introspecting the shit out of life and charting my own path outside the box.
Still I noticed patterns of thoughts where I would be insecure because I reminded myself that my ex is very happy with her life and work right now. Ever since that breakup I have subconsciously always compared myself to her.
On the women front, still no obvious IOIs from strangers. Things were progressing better on tinder. I number closed a bunch of girls and met up with two this week, 19 and 28 years old.
Both times the conversation was flowing well but no sexual chemistry. I was thinking of a way to escalate and introduce sexuality to the conversation. I ended up not finding it both times. With the 19 year old I managed to find a good place, a planetarium-like cosy space in the museum. The vibe was nice so I escalated smoothly. Made out a lot, she was aroused, but there were many kids around. I had dance after that so couldn't move her to hotel.
With the 28 year old though there was no such a place. Just continued along the same sterile and platonic vein until we were talking about meaning of life and such. Goodness that's not what I want from a date! I realised it was also because I was not really attracted to her. I wasn't even excited with the prospect of escalating on her, I just felt it was something I had to do. All this while I was still operating on the scarcity mentality where I thought of every date as scarce and I had to make something happen with every single one. Last night just the process of trying to think of a natural way to escalate left me feeling bad, like I was selling myself short. I resolve not to go after girls I'm not genuinely attracted to anymore. I need to have better filtering processes in online game.
What's more, the 28 year old's energy was so clean. She has such an abundance mentality and loving her life right now. She's a yoga teacher living day to day. When I asked her about relationships, she totally has no need for guys now. I just found it very uninspiring because I didn't see what my escalation could add to her life. People say such girls with abundant mentality are better choices, but I notice I gravitate more to girls with clear emotional needs because it's easy to see where I can add value.
I have also been very unsure of what need I have for girls. What place does girls have in my life right now? Why do I need sex? What's the point of it? Sometimes in situations when I know logically I should escalate, I wonder what's the point. Is it worth it to spend so much time to get a temporary good feeling? I don't know.
Just a very confused time right now. I am going to do 5 loops starting from tonight, for one more week, and then I might switch to B.
