06-19-2017, 12:33 AM
Latest update - been mainly doing a week of A and a week of B since my last update using hybrid at 3-4/15 volume setting.
I have a new job starting in September where I'll be in a city full of gorgeous women so I have no (genuine) excuse for not improving my life in the dating front. This is the first time I'll be living in an international city so I'm excited by the prospects of what I want to do, things like take up martial arts and tango dancing. My course went well and I passed 2 out of 3 exams so far (waiting for results of other) and I'll be starting up my thesis this week.
I've just come home from a 10 ten holiday to different cities and experienced massive amounts of interest from women in all of them. Walking down the street and constant IOI's. Granted, my physique is in great shape and I'm 'muscle t-shirt's' so this probably pays a large part of it, however I noticed that I'm walking with more authority and swagger, shoulders back and head risen. I think this is more of the example of the eye gaze from women in the streets. On several occasions when there were just a single woman on the street, and myself, she would notice me and keep her head down at the pavement until the exact moment we crossed paths. Was strange. This happened quite a lot actually when it's just two of us. Intimidation maybe? The other occasions the women would do their normal check you out just as your crossing paths, and then some women were just blatant stare all the way until we passed! Anyway, these were some noticeable occurences that you guys will be familiar with. So, when I'm out and about it's not unusual for me to get 10+ interest signals from women in the space of an hour or 2. Actually, I get really frustrated now by them as I feel I can't do anything about them! A feeling of hopelessness sometimes that I wished I didn't even get them. Funny how the mind works.
Unfortunately, I'm on the path of self-sabotage and it seems to be getting worse. I had the chance to meet a woman I've slept with a few times and we went on a date. She was really excited to see me. However, I felt extremely tired and grumpy and was probably the worst company she could have had. I felt terrible about it the next day. I put it down to being too tired but I really shouldn't have been. I mean it's been an absolute while since I last had a date what the hell was I doing! Ended up getting drunk when we met her friends later in the night and they were teasing me and I was just being grumpy the whole time. Idiot.
My next opportunity came when I was standing at a bar which was moderately busy but still quite spacious. I felt a warm brush against my arm and someone nudge up to me, smelling delicious and made my head all fuzzy. Sure enough, it was a lovely Italian woman with her friend smiling and obviously trying to get my attention. What did I do? Self-sabotage. All my negative thoughts from the past came flooding back, things like 'I don't know what to say/do', 'I hope they go away', 'they probably don't speak English' etc. This was going for a minute or two and I was observing with my peripheral the two ladies looking at me and whispering, then her friend pushed her into me again (I guess for one last final 'my friend likes you what the hell you doing') and she brushed up hard into my side only for me to stand there like a tool and then take the opportunity to get served at the bar, leaving the ladies behind me. Talking about being stuck in one's head...
On this same night and for the next I was sharing a dorm with a very attractive Australian woman and we hit it off really well. She has a boyfriend back home (she was travelling) and made sure I knew that quite quickly in her interaction. Not just with me but with others too. She was very confident and social and was good company (actually, probably the two Italian women noticed I was with her). Strangely, I acted just like me and was not intimidated by her attractiveness, nor was I really interested in her romantically. What it did was make me realise how pathetic and fake guys can be. Many times at the bar we were just chatting and guys would come up and say a few words of fake interest to me with their motive to speak to my friend. Was so obvious and got really boring by the end of the night. I'm too old for night game and all these social dynamics. I can't be arsed with it so I'm hoping for the future to meet women by other means such as during the day, hobbies and travelling.
Lastly, on the final night all the pent up frustration boiled into rage when I wouldn't make most of opportunities. Anger like I've never felt blaming women and sleazy guys. Those guys were nothing compared to me yet there they were successfully making moves on their girl. I deserve better than this. World against me. So angry I wanted to punch something or someone. Wisely I decided to call it a night and go to bed. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and never had I so much wanted to punch myself, nor the mirror. I've never had a fight in my life and am not an aggressive at all. I'm pretty shocked at how angry I could get. Self-sabotage.
For the foreseeable future I am running version A only. There is something that needs to be cleared. I need to forget about women for a while. I need to let go of the frustration and hidden anger inside. I need to be cleared of something that stops me from being successful with women.
I have a new job starting in September where I'll be in a city full of gorgeous women so I have no (genuine) excuse for not improving my life in the dating front. This is the first time I'll be living in an international city so I'm excited by the prospects of what I want to do, things like take up martial arts and tango dancing. My course went well and I passed 2 out of 3 exams so far (waiting for results of other) and I'll be starting up my thesis this week.
I've just come home from a 10 ten holiday to different cities and experienced massive amounts of interest from women in all of them. Walking down the street and constant IOI's. Granted, my physique is in great shape and I'm 'muscle t-shirt's' so this probably pays a large part of it, however I noticed that I'm walking with more authority and swagger, shoulders back and head risen. I think this is more of the example of the eye gaze from women in the streets. On several occasions when there were just a single woman on the street, and myself, she would notice me and keep her head down at the pavement until the exact moment we crossed paths. Was strange. This happened quite a lot actually when it's just two of us. Intimidation maybe? The other occasions the women would do their normal check you out just as your crossing paths, and then some women were just blatant stare all the way until we passed! Anyway, these were some noticeable occurences that you guys will be familiar with. So, when I'm out and about it's not unusual for me to get 10+ interest signals from women in the space of an hour or 2. Actually, I get really frustrated now by them as I feel I can't do anything about them! A feeling of hopelessness sometimes that I wished I didn't even get them. Funny how the mind works.
Unfortunately, I'm on the path of self-sabotage and it seems to be getting worse. I had the chance to meet a woman I've slept with a few times and we went on a date. She was really excited to see me. However, I felt extremely tired and grumpy and was probably the worst company she could have had. I felt terrible about it the next day. I put it down to being too tired but I really shouldn't have been. I mean it's been an absolute while since I last had a date what the hell was I doing! Ended up getting drunk when we met her friends later in the night and they were teasing me and I was just being grumpy the whole time. Idiot.
My next opportunity came when I was standing at a bar which was moderately busy but still quite spacious. I felt a warm brush against my arm and someone nudge up to me, smelling delicious and made my head all fuzzy. Sure enough, it was a lovely Italian woman with her friend smiling and obviously trying to get my attention. What did I do? Self-sabotage. All my negative thoughts from the past came flooding back, things like 'I don't know what to say/do', 'I hope they go away', 'they probably don't speak English' etc. This was going for a minute or two and I was observing with my peripheral the two ladies looking at me and whispering, then her friend pushed her into me again (I guess for one last final 'my friend likes you what the hell you doing') and she brushed up hard into my side only for me to stand there like a tool and then take the opportunity to get served at the bar, leaving the ladies behind me. Talking about being stuck in one's head...
On this same night and for the next I was sharing a dorm with a very attractive Australian woman and we hit it off really well. She has a boyfriend back home (she was travelling) and made sure I knew that quite quickly in her interaction. Not just with me but with others too. She was very confident and social and was good company (actually, probably the two Italian women noticed I was with her). Strangely, I acted just like me and was not intimidated by her attractiveness, nor was I really interested in her romantically. What it did was make me realise how pathetic and fake guys can be. Many times at the bar we were just chatting and guys would come up and say a few words of fake interest to me with their motive to speak to my friend. Was so obvious and got really boring by the end of the night. I'm too old for night game and all these social dynamics. I can't be arsed with it so I'm hoping for the future to meet women by other means such as during the day, hobbies and travelling.
Lastly, on the final night all the pent up frustration boiled into rage when I wouldn't make most of opportunities. Anger like I've never felt blaming women and sleazy guys. Those guys were nothing compared to me yet there they were successfully making moves on their girl. I deserve better than this. World against me. So angry I wanted to punch something or someone. Wisely I decided to call it a night and go to bed. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and never had I so much wanted to punch myself, nor the mirror. I've never had a fight in my life and am not an aggressive at all. I'm pretty shocked at how angry I could get. Self-sabotage.
For the foreseeable future I am running version A only. There is something that needs to be cleared. I need to forget about women for a while. I need to let go of the frustration and hidden anger inside. I need to be cleared of something that stops me from being successful with women.
