06-10-2017, 08:27 AM
(Caught up)
Day 15:
Lots of things going on that day. Had dance rehearsal in the morning. Wasn't self conscious or needy at all, had fun. I don't usually get along with my current partner (she's a les) but that day she asked me to play board games. Usually in these situations I would be too self conscious to really enjoy the game, but this time I was fully absorbed, even beat her. I still felt attracted to that girl I used to not like (tyrant type). I had more attention from basically everyone.
After the rehearsal I went to the table my ex and I used to use as a prop to dance with. I had no feeling whatsoever. That made me feel good because I was going to a see a dance show later at night and I had a strong feeling I'd bump into her.
Met my FWB in the afternoon. Conversation was very chill. I talked to her without fear, just said whatever I had in mind. I was okay with annoying her. She was very attracted. There was a very nice vibe where were were friendly and bantering but she was sexually attracted too. In the hotel things got hot real fast. The previous week I was wondering whether I ever fully enjoyed the act of sex. With that in mind I was on autopilot, just let my instincts guide me. Let's just say things were so much more spontaneous and hot. F*cked her long and hard. I lasted forever. Easily the best sex we've had. She let me shoot it on her face for the first time. She was ok with it afterward, no mention of it. Instead she was very lovey dovey. Kissed me a lot. I felt that she was starting to catch strong feelings for me. On the way back I talked to her about the law of attraction.
Met a 32-year old from a dating app. Turned out she was super fat. I just tried to enjoy the conversation to be polite but left early. She's actually a very cool person, I enjoyed the conversation.
Went to watch a dance show with my friend. She was late but IDGAF. We didn't always get along but we got along a little better this time. Just as I thought, I saw my ex for the first time in almost 6 months. What I didn't foresee was, I had a strong surge of negative emotions upon seeing her. She looked so happy and radiant now. Just remembered all those times it went bad between us and how she left me behind. During the show I was totally in my head. After the show I hung around the exit for a while talking to a few friends. I didn't acknowledge her and she passed me by to go to the restroom without acknowledging me. That made me sad and I left before I had to face her.
Day 16:
Did nothing the whole day but watch self help videos. I started getting the idea that I would text my ex to catch up one day and talk about london. I am going to London next month, she went there before and I thought it's a good excuse to catch up. I felt it's a pity for us to never talk to each other again. Just felt very confused whether it's a good idea or not. Felt moody the whole day.
Day 17:
The start of my last 3 weeks at work. I was determined to complete it without incidents. I was zoned in and time flew by. I felt great while in the zone but felt empty afterward. I was like a robot that day, felt emotionally numb. I have been visualizing how it would go down when I meet my ex, visualized the conversation to make her my FWB. However I realized she wants nothing to do with me. I felt quite sad. My head was reflexively telling me counter points like I need more self love, when I love myself enough I will not be needing her anymore etc, but it just made me a little more sad. But I noticed that I was resolute that if I feel meeting her would be hurting me, then I will not meet her. I will not hurt myself.
Then I realized that in everything worthwhile that I do, there will be struggle. When I learned dance there was plenty of struggle. In business and in pickup as well. But throughout it all, I was able to stick through it and actually enjoyed the struggle sometimes. I just have to try more things and be aware of what kind of struggles I enjoy and find fulfilling. When I thought of that, somehow my sadness lifted a little and I felt hope. It captured my attention and wonder and I stopped feeling needy. When I thought that she has found struggles that she enjoys immensely, the sadness came back a little, but I quickly re-engaged with that wonderment of my kind of struggle. I also realize that I was addicted with the struggle of making her fall for me. I knew it was an uphill battle, but I subconsciously enjoyed the struggle. Maybe in many areas of my life I'm not happy in, I'm secretly enjoying the struggle. I want to be more aware of these.
FWB texted me lovey dovey texts. I took care to send back short replies. Don't want her feelings to grow any stronger.
Changed to 3 loops US at night from that day on.
Day 18:
Still emotionally robotic at work. Had the thought that if my ex is not interested in f*cking, then I have no need for her.
Dance rehearsal. Felt happy dancing. My les dance partner praised me so much in front of others (you're very cool/important/strong etc). Tyrant girl looked self conscious when near me, she fixed her face a lot.
Day 19:
Still thinking about the ex. I realized that if I see her again it will be with super positivity and super openness. Also flirtatious. I cannot show any signs that I am still affected in any way.
Day 20:
Had profound realizations about myself. I realized the single biggest motivation behind everything I do so far. I choose a different motivation from now. I am much clearer on what my lifelong mission will be.
Day 22 (today):
Went for a dance class. 2 girls I was attracted to talked to me in class. I never talked to anyone in this class before this. I talked to one of them longer. She was leaning forward when talking to me with her entire body facing me. We were sitting down and I touched her leg casually during conversation, it felt so natural. I wanted to go for an instadate after class but didn't find a natural transition. Just left.
Bought snake plant for my room and an eye cream. Been wanting to try eye cream to slow down ageing.
I remembered about the love letter I wrote to my ex 2 weeks after we broke up. It sickened me. Good god what was I thinking? Probably still not thinking right even now. It made me not want to see her again. Damn that was so embarrassing.
So far external results from DMSI have been minimal. I have felt more internal results. The external results have come when I interact with the females, which is because of the internal results instead of some aura. I feel myself becoming a more self sufficient person. I used to feel lonely and I yearned for someone to share my thoughts with, but now I don't feel the need anymore. As long as I understand myself, I'm fine. I read Woujo's articles on transcendence and I really like them. However that left me wondering, what does a truly transcendent man need a woman for, other than sex? Actually that's how I feel now. Talking to a woman and feeling her feminine energy feels good, and so is sex, but other than for those I don't feel much motivation to spend time with a woman.
Would love to hear people's thoughts on that!
Day 15:
Lots of things going on that day. Had dance rehearsal in the morning. Wasn't self conscious or needy at all, had fun. I don't usually get along with my current partner (she's a les) but that day she asked me to play board games. Usually in these situations I would be too self conscious to really enjoy the game, but this time I was fully absorbed, even beat her. I still felt attracted to that girl I used to not like (tyrant type). I had more attention from basically everyone.
After the rehearsal I went to the table my ex and I used to use as a prop to dance with. I had no feeling whatsoever. That made me feel good because I was going to a see a dance show later at night and I had a strong feeling I'd bump into her.
Met my FWB in the afternoon. Conversation was very chill. I talked to her without fear, just said whatever I had in mind. I was okay with annoying her. She was very attracted. There was a very nice vibe where were were friendly and bantering but she was sexually attracted too. In the hotel things got hot real fast. The previous week I was wondering whether I ever fully enjoyed the act of sex. With that in mind I was on autopilot, just let my instincts guide me. Let's just say things were so much more spontaneous and hot. F*cked her long and hard. I lasted forever. Easily the best sex we've had. She let me shoot it on her face for the first time. She was ok with it afterward, no mention of it. Instead she was very lovey dovey. Kissed me a lot. I felt that she was starting to catch strong feelings for me. On the way back I talked to her about the law of attraction.
Met a 32-year old from a dating app. Turned out she was super fat. I just tried to enjoy the conversation to be polite but left early. She's actually a very cool person, I enjoyed the conversation.
Went to watch a dance show with my friend. She was late but IDGAF. We didn't always get along but we got along a little better this time. Just as I thought, I saw my ex for the first time in almost 6 months. What I didn't foresee was, I had a strong surge of negative emotions upon seeing her. She looked so happy and radiant now. Just remembered all those times it went bad between us and how she left me behind. During the show I was totally in my head. After the show I hung around the exit for a while talking to a few friends. I didn't acknowledge her and she passed me by to go to the restroom without acknowledging me. That made me sad and I left before I had to face her.
Day 16:
Did nothing the whole day but watch self help videos. I started getting the idea that I would text my ex to catch up one day and talk about london. I am going to London next month, she went there before and I thought it's a good excuse to catch up. I felt it's a pity for us to never talk to each other again. Just felt very confused whether it's a good idea or not. Felt moody the whole day.
Day 17:
The start of my last 3 weeks at work. I was determined to complete it without incidents. I was zoned in and time flew by. I felt great while in the zone but felt empty afterward. I was like a robot that day, felt emotionally numb. I have been visualizing how it would go down when I meet my ex, visualized the conversation to make her my FWB. However I realized she wants nothing to do with me. I felt quite sad. My head was reflexively telling me counter points like I need more self love, when I love myself enough I will not be needing her anymore etc, but it just made me a little more sad. But I noticed that I was resolute that if I feel meeting her would be hurting me, then I will not meet her. I will not hurt myself.
Then I realized that in everything worthwhile that I do, there will be struggle. When I learned dance there was plenty of struggle. In business and in pickup as well. But throughout it all, I was able to stick through it and actually enjoyed the struggle sometimes. I just have to try more things and be aware of what kind of struggles I enjoy and find fulfilling. When I thought of that, somehow my sadness lifted a little and I felt hope. It captured my attention and wonder and I stopped feeling needy. When I thought that she has found struggles that she enjoys immensely, the sadness came back a little, but I quickly re-engaged with that wonderment of my kind of struggle. I also realize that I was addicted with the struggle of making her fall for me. I knew it was an uphill battle, but I subconsciously enjoyed the struggle. Maybe in many areas of my life I'm not happy in, I'm secretly enjoying the struggle. I want to be more aware of these.
FWB texted me lovey dovey texts. I took care to send back short replies. Don't want her feelings to grow any stronger.
Changed to 3 loops US at night from that day on.
Day 18:
Still emotionally robotic at work. Had the thought that if my ex is not interested in f*cking, then I have no need for her.
Dance rehearsal. Felt happy dancing. My les dance partner praised me so much in front of others (you're very cool/important/strong etc). Tyrant girl looked self conscious when near me, she fixed her face a lot.
Day 19:
Still thinking about the ex. I realized that if I see her again it will be with super positivity and super openness. Also flirtatious. I cannot show any signs that I am still affected in any way.
Day 20:
Had profound realizations about myself. I realized the single biggest motivation behind everything I do so far. I choose a different motivation from now. I am much clearer on what my lifelong mission will be.
Day 22 (today):
Went for a dance class. 2 girls I was attracted to talked to me in class. I never talked to anyone in this class before this. I talked to one of them longer. She was leaning forward when talking to me with her entire body facing me. We were sitting down and I touched her leg casually during conversation, it felt so natural. I wanted to go for an instadate after class but didn't find a natural transition. Just left.
Bought snake plant for my room and an eye cream. Been wanting to try eye cream to slow down ageing.
I remembered about the love letter I wrote to my ex 2 weeks after we broke up. It sickened me. Good god what was I thinking? Probably still not thinking right even now. It made me not want to see her again. Damn that was so embarrassing.
So far external results from DMSI have been minimal. I have felt more internal results. The external results have come when I interact with the females, which is because of the internal results instead of some aura. I feel myself becoming a more self sufficient person. I used to feel lonely and I yearned for someone to share my thoughts with, but now I don't feel the need anymore. As long as I understand myself, I'm fine. I read Woujo's articles on transcendence and I really like them. However that left me wondering, what does a truly transcendent man need a woman for, other than sex? Actually that's how I feel now. Talking to a woman and feeling her feminine energy feels good, and so is sex, but other than for those I don't feel much motivation to spend time with a woman.
Would love to hear people's thoughts on that!
