06-07-2017, 05:58 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-07-2017, 06:02 AM by Raikahoken.)
(recap cont'd)
Day 9
Quite tired after the loops. Fell asleep. Went for dance class. I felt a little in my head and self conscious. One pretty girl was there. I talked to her a few weeks ago. I didn't acknowledge her, just made eye contact in class. At the end of the class I talked to another pretty girl. Asked her name. She's pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to her. I was not nervous and talked to her very naturally. In the past I would have been at least awkward.
Was on tinder and OKC the whole day. Cannot bring myself to do work today. I asked a few girls out. Feel quite needy when the girls didn't want to come. I didn't like it that I was spending so much attention on online game.
Day 10
Was quite irritated with my manager at work for making me do work that I find uninspiring. I missed my ex badly. It felt very raw. I haven't missed her in a while. But the missing was different, it felt more like mourning. I had a strong urge to check her out on FB and had a feeling that I'd find her happy with another guy. I knew that it would crush me. I resolved not to hurt myself and not do it. I thought about the times I was able to share my ideas and she would understand and support me. But I reminded myself that that was only the image I was projecting on her. She was never so enthusiastic about me. She's not who I wanted her to be. So there's no point to go back to her. I let myself feel the emotion. I felt like I was crying on the inside.
Met a 25 year old tinder girl at night. Getting her to come was difficult. She wasn't so enthusiastic about meeting. I texted her and she replied very slowly. I got a little upset. I tried to flip the script and get her to view me as scarce by telling her "when you're old you're gonna miss all the good chances you didn't take". Felt quite needy. In the end she gave me her number. Turned out it's not that she was unenthusiastic, she just overslept so she couldn't reply. Really shouldn't overthink next time. I was in the middle of feeling sad about my ex when setting up the meet but somehow I knew that when I meet her I'd be able to execute. I had an indescribable certainty that I'd be able to seal the deal if I meet her. I fantasized me and her f*cking on the stairs on top of a mall, even saw the position of my bag on the floor and when I reach for the condom.
Met her. She wasn't as pretty as her pictures but I was attracted to her G cup boobs. And she wasn't fat too. Just amazing. She's quite a flat person in her expressions so I matched it. The dinner table we sat at wasn't very private, I couldn't talk of more interesting topics like tinder stories. So I just talked about work. I caught myself a few times feeling like I have to entertain her. So I just focused on enjoying the conversation. After dinner I suggested to go to a bar. We had to walk through a dark place to go there and she would have no time to meet her friend afterward, but she went anyway. Along the way she didn't mind when we bumped arms. Got her to tell me about her previous relationships. She was cheated on before and the guy she's seeing now only wants her for sex. Reached the bar. She was sitting quite close. By this time she was very comfortable talking about sex. I opened up about my own problems like my PIED last time. She told me she wants an FWB now. I didn't jump on it, just asked her more questions. The whole time I knew that she's prime for physical escalation, but I wasn't in a hurry, just wanted to talk about sex more. Before we left I told her to finish my drink. She did and I kissed her for it. Made out a bit.
Sat down at a dark bus stop outside bar and made out some more. Went to second base, no resistance whatsoever. Goddamn those melons are huge. Pulled her to a secluded place.
"Why initially when we met you said you're not into casual sex?"
"We girls cannot f*ck every guy!"
"So why I can?"
"I dunno (giggle)"
Made it all the way to third base. She was begging for it. Deja vu moment: we were on a staircase and the way my bag was positioned was exactly how I visualized it in the day. However, I wanted to pee! Plus the alcohol in my bloodstream means I didn't have an erection. I didn't pull out my dick to save face and just stopped there. Told her "that's all you're getting today."
On the way back I talked to her about sexual openness again. I felt that she wasn't fully bought in. Didn't really know how to spike the mood up again. I felt that I should stop talking about sex so I switched topics. Gave her a kiss before parting. After the heavy makeout I went into a thought pattern of the girl having buyer's remorse and trying to prevent it. I didn't catch myself. I should stop preventing ASD or buyer's remorse etc. When I try hard to prevent those problems, they become self fulfilling prophecies. I got the feeling that the seduction of this girl is not over yet.
In the date I asked her the question of whether she just used sex as a way to get guys and whether she ever had sex for the enjoyment of it, but maybe I should also ask that to myself. Have I truly enjoyed the act of sex or has it been only for the sake of validation? If I'm being honest to myself, the answer is no.
Day 11
Very quite tired after the loops in the morning. No motivation whatsoever at work. One girl in OKC was offended by a small thing I said, I was really not bothered, I told her yeah we're not gonna get along if you're so easily offended.
Had an argument with my father about him learning English. I was frustrated with his unwillingness to learn English. I felt bad when he told me about his declining mental capacities. I helped him search for the information he wanted. Connected quite well with him.
More girls hitting me up on dating apps. Low quality ones but it's something.
Day 12
Quite smooth talking to girls online. One girl practically hinted me to ask her out. Number closed her easily.
Day 13
Felt terrible at work. Felt that I really shouldn't be there. Almost texted my boss to let me go early. Complained to my manager that I had no motivation. Felt a lot better after complaining. Went to site, felt quite useful.
(TBC)
Day 9
Quite tired after the loops. Fell asleep. Went for dance class. I felt a little in my head and self conscious. One pretty girl was there. I talked to her a few weeks ago. I didn't acknowledge her, just made eye contact in class. At the end of the class I talked to another pretty girl. Asked her name. She's pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to her. I was not nervous and talked to her very naturally. In the past I would have been at least awkward.
Was on tinder and OKC the whole day. Cannot bring myself to do work today. I asked a few girls out. Feel quite needy when the girls didn't want to come. I didn't like it that I was spending so much attention on online game.
Day 10
Was quite irritated with my manager at work for making me do work that I find uninspiring. I missed my ex badly. It felt very raw. I haven't missed her in a while. But the missing was different, it felt more like mourning. I had a strong urge to check her out on FB and had a feeling that I'd find her happy with another guy. I knew that it would crush me. I resolved not to hurt myself and not do it. I thought about the times I was able to share my ideas and she would understand and support me. But I reminded myself that that was only the image I was projecting on her. She was never so enthusiastic about me. She's not who I wanted her to be. So there's no point to go back to her. I let myself feel the emotion. I felt like I was crying on the inside.
Met a 25 year old tinder girl at night. Getting her to come was difficult. She wasn't so enthusiastic about meeting. I texted her and she replied very slowly. I got a little upset. I tried to flip the script and get her to view me as scarce by telling her "when you're old you're gonna miss all the good chances you didn't take". Felt quite needy. In the end she gave me her number. Turned out it's not that she was unenthusiastic, she just overslept so she couldn't reply. Really shouldn't overthink next time. I was in the middle of feeling sad about my ex when setting up the meet but somehow I knew that when I meet her I'd be able to execute. I had an indescribable certainty that I'd be able to seal the deal if I meet her. I fantasized me and her f*cking on the stairs on top of a mall, even saw the position of my bag on the floor and when I reach for the condom.
Met her. She wasn't as pretty as her pictures but I was attracted to her G cup boobs. And she wasn't fat too. Just amazing. She's quite a flat person in her expressions so I matched it. The dinner table we sat at wasn't very private, I couldn't talk of more interesting topics like tinder stories. So I just talked about work. I caught myself a few times feeling like I have to entertain her. So I just focused on enjoying the conversation. After dinner I suggested to go to a bar. We had to walk through a dark place to go there and she would have no time to meet her friend afterward, but she went anyway. Along the way she didn't mind when we bumped arms. Got her to tell me about her previous relationships. She was cheated on before and the guy she's seeing now only wants her for sex. Reached the bar. She was sitting quite close. By this time she was very comfortable talking about sex. I opened up about my own problems like my PIED last time. She told me she wants an FWB now. I didn't jump on it, just asked her more questions. The whole time I knew that she's prime for physical escalation, but I wasn't in a hurry, just wanted to talk about sex more. Before we left I told her to finish my drink. She did and I kissed her for it. Made out a bit.
Sat down at a dark bus stop outside bar and made out some more. Went to second base, no resistance whatsoever. Goddamn those melons are huge. Pulled her to a secluded place.
"Why initially when we met you said you're not into casual sex?"
"We girls cannot f*ck every guy!"
"So why I can?"
"I dunno (giggle)"
Made it all the way to third base. She was begging for it. Deja vu moment: we were on a staircase and the way my bag was positioned was exactly how I visualized it in the day. However, I wanted to pee! Plus the alcohol in my bloodstream means I didn't have an erection. I didn't pull out my dick to save face and just stopped there. Told her "that's all you're getting today."
On the way back I talked to her about sexual openness again. I felt that she wasn't fully bought in. Didn't really know how to spike the mood up again. I felt that I should stop talking about sex so I switched topics. Gave her a kiss before parting. After the heavy makeout I went into a thought pattern of the girl having buyer's remorse and trying to prevent it. I didn't catch myself. I should stop preventing ASD or buyer's remorse etc. When I try hard to prevent those problems, they become self fulfilling prophecies. I got the feeling that the seduction of this girl is not over yet.
In the date I asked her the question of whether she just used sex as a way to get guys and whether she ever had sex for the enjoyment of it, but maybe I should also ask that to myself. Have I truly enjoyed the act of sex or has it been only for the sake of validation? If I'm being honest to myself, the answer is no.
Day 11
Very quite tired after the loops in the morning. No motivation whatsoever at work. One girl in OKC was offended by a small thing I said, I was really not bothered, I told her yeah we're not gonna get along if you're so easily offended.
Had an argument with my father about him learning English. I was frustrated with his unwillingness to learn English. I felt bad when he told me about his declining mental capacities. I helped him search for the information he wanted. Connected quite well with him.
More girls hitting me up on dating apps. Low quality ones but it's something.
Day 12
Quite smooth talking to girls online. One girl practically hinted me to ask her out. Number closed her easily.
Day 13
Felt terrible at work. Felt that I really shouldn't be there. Almost texted my boss to let me go early. Complained to my manager that I had no motivation. Felt a lot better after complaining. Went to site, felt quite useful.
(TBC)
