05-31-2017, 03:17 AM
DAY 9
3.1A - 2 loops Hybrid FLAC
Healing is hitting hard. I have a particular image that haunts me. When my girlfriend and I are alone, she feels free to show me a side of her which is very innocent, playful, childlike and even babyish. She's had quite a tough life without many people who care for her. I keep picturing a scenario in which we break up and she's sat in her room all by herself, in her childish mode, wanting to be cute with me but I'm not there and there's nobody else she can be that way with so she's just sat with a sad look on her face. It makes me tear up just typing about it lol. It literally makes me tear up every time I think about it. I guess it's my fear of hurting her?
In my imagination, I picture her a lot more vulnerable than she really is. I need to understand that if we broke up, yes she would be upset, but she would eventually get over it and move forward. She has been through a lot so I know she is strong. I just would hate her to have to go through heartache or pain again, I never want that for her.
It does make me wonder why breaking up is so much on my mind, however. I guess part of achieving DMSI's goals includes being happy with an open relationship, or being single. Because I love my girlfriend and don't want that, I guess I encounter a lot of resistance. I'm not concerned the subliminal will make me cheat, because I know Shannon won't remove free will entirely. I would like it if eventually the subliminal returned to it's original design goal which was to make us irresistibly sexually attractive, and giving us the choice as to whether we want to pursue other women or simply take advantage of the benefits being a sexy person has in general i.e. VIP treatment, etc.
There have been a few noticeable healing positives. Firstly, I am starting to feel less possessive of her, and seeing her as a friend who I share my life with rather than my own property. I used to worry a lot about her secretly wanting other men, or even masturbating when thinking of other people. But I realize I am a hypocrite because I look at and fantasize about other women, and I know it doesn't mean that I love her any less. Essentially I am holding her to a standard she can't possibly be accepted to reach, and it's making us both unhappy when I do it, so I think this is me learning to be in a more positive and healthy relationship.
Another benefit has been sometimes I think some extreme/dirty thoughts about my girlfriend, fetish type stuff which used to turn me on. I'm finding that it turns me on less now, and I'm hoping this is my sexual desires returning to a healthy place.
My ED is still very concerning to me. I am still unable to achieve a rock hard erection with my girlfriend, and to be honest when I think of sex with her I feel fear rather than excitement, because I'm worried I won't be able to perform. I'm not thinking about how good it will feel, I'm thinking I hope I can perform today or we're going to have another awkward moment and the sinking feeling that comes with it when we realize it just isn't going to happen - both our self-esteems get damaged when this happens for different reasons.
I broke this morning and watched porn. I was rock hard when watching it came with no problem. Then I watched it and came again only an hour later. I'm starting to think it's either because:
a.) My girlfriend and I aren't sexually compatible (I don't think this is the case)
b.) I can get erect to porn because I'm on my own and fully relaxed, there's no fear of performance beforehand like with my girl
c.) ?
What I did find interesting though is even though I watched porn twice, I didn't really enjoy it, and I have no urge to do it again. I was more enjoying the sensations from masturbating rather than enjoying what was happening in the videos, and I even found my mind drifting to sexy scenarios with my girlfriend while I was watching the porn. I don't have any urge to watch it again. I attribute this to all my hearing and clearing from running DMSI since v1. It's just so frustrating to know that my dick works fine for porn, but won't work for my girlfriend. If she knew she would be heartbroken.
IOIs and everything are still consistent. The aura feels strong, particularly in warm weather and just when having eaten. It feels a little less strong when I'm healing, assuming because the energy switches to this instead. To be honest I'm less concerned with the IOIs now, I'm in it for the clearing/healing currently.
I've given up caffeine which has only happened since v3.1A.
Let the healing continue...
3.1A - 2 loops Hybrid FLAC
Healing is hitting hard. I have a particular image that haunts me. When my girlfriend and I are alone, she feels free to show me a side of her which is very innocent, playful, childlike and even babyish. She's had quite a tough life without many people who care for her. I keep picturing a scenario in which we break up and she's sat in her room all by herself, in her childish mode, wanting to be cute with me but I'm not there and there's nobody else she can be that way with so she's just sat with a sad look on her face. It makes me tear up just typing about it lol. It literally makes me tear up every time I think about it. I guess it's my fear of hurting her?
In my imagination, I picture her a lot more vulnerable than she really is. I need to understand that if we broke up, yes she would be upset, but she would eventually get over it and move forward. She has been through a lot so I know she is strong. I just would hate her to have to go through heartache or pain again, I never want that for her.
It does make me wonder why breaking up is so much on my mind, however. I guess part of achieving DMSI's goals includes being happy with an open relationship, or being single. Because I love my girlfriend and don't want that, I guess I encounter a lot of resistance. I'm not concerned the subliminal will make me cheat, because I know Shannon won't remove free will entirely. I would like it if eventually the subliminal returned to it's original design goal which was to make us irresistibly sexually attractive, and giving us the choice as to whether we want to pursue other women or simply take advantage of the benefits being a sexy person has in general i.e. VIP treatment, etc.
There have been a few noticeable healing positives. Firstly, I am starting to feel less possessive of her, and seeing her as a friend who I share my life with rather than my own property. I used to worry a lot about her secretly wanting other men, or even masturbating when thinking of other people. But I realize I am a hypocrite because I look at and fantasize about other women, and I know it doesn't mean that I love her any less. Essentially I am holding her to a standard she can't possibly be accepted to reach, and it's making us both unhappy when I do it, so I think this is me learning to be in a more positive and healthy relationship.
Another benefit has been sometimes I think some extreme/dirty thoughts about my girlfriend, fetish type stuff which used to turn me on. I'm finding that it turns me on less now, and I'm hoping this is my sexual desires returning to a healthy place.
My ED is still very concerning to me. I am still unable to achieve a rock hard erection with my girlfriend, and to be honest when I think of sex with her I feel fear rather than excitement, because I'm worried I won't be able to perform. I'm not thinking about how good it will feel, I'm thinking I hope I can perform today or we're going to have another awkward moment and the sinking feeling that comes with it when we realize it just isn't going to happen - both our self-esteems get damaged when this happens for different reasons.
I broke this morning and watched porn. I was rock hard when watching it came with no problem. Then I watched it and came again only an hour later. I'm starting to think it's either because:
a.) My girlfriend and I aren't sexually compatible (I don't think this is the case)
b.) I can get erect to porn because I'm on my own and fully relaxed, there's no fear of performance beforehand like with my girl
c.) ?
What I did find interesting though is even though I watched porn twice, I didn't really enjoy it, and I have no urge to do it again. I was more enjoying the sensations from masturbating rather than enjoying what was happening in the videos, and I even found my mind drifting to sexy scenarios with my girlfriend while I was watching the porn. I don't have any urge to watch it again. I attribute this to all my hearing and clearing from running DMSI since v1. It's just so frustrating to know that my dick works fine for porn, but won't work for my girlfriend. If she knew she would be heartbroken.
IOIs and everything are still consistent. The aura feels strong, particularly in warm weather and just when having eaten. It feels a little less strong when I'm healing, assuming because the energy switches to this instead. To be honest I'm less concerned with the IOIs now, I'm in it for the clearing/healing currently.
I've given up caffeine which has only happened since v3.1A.
Let the healing continue...
