05-30-2017, 12:36 PM
Day 4-
So, been continuing the subs and noticed that the "manic" energy that I was getting off the subs has subsided (or perhaps I've just gotten used to it). Still early in my program though, so it may wax and wane as the weeks go by. I've come to realize that this program does require a lot of consideration as one is going through it; if you aren't attempting to come to terms with your own sexual expression and what you REALLY want, it will hinder your progress, I think.
My desire for women was ultimately holding me back from getting them: it was more fun and emotionally stimulating for me in the past to obsess, when I could have had the women that I wanted quite easily, if I had "pulled the trigger" when I instinctively felt the need to. Rather than doing that, I would climb inside my head as a way to keep myself from doing so and indulge in fantasies that were more "rewarding". It also caused me to miss a lot of details about what the girl(s) actually wanted, causing me to misread things.
I want to compensate for this "failure" by banging LOTS of women, which isn't healthy either. I was seeing relationships like "working out". If I just get "strong" enough, I can bang all the girls with the ease at which I lift weights.
That isn't the way life works, nor should I want it that way.
I want to have sex with women that I connect with, relationships of mutual enjoyment. A healthy and engaging sexual life with other people, that's what I want. Maybe I'm just greedy in that I want multiple partners, but the idea of a small circle of women (2-4) to have sex with appeals to me but, I don't know my limits, or the extent of my "lust", so I just have to take it as it comes and genuinely explore.
What is weird though, is that "bad habits" I thought I had kicked have started coming back in slight bursts over the past few days. Not to the extent they used to be but, it's kind of like old behaviors related to old issues are rising back as I deal with my own internal things.
Kind of sucks but I notice it's easier to stop myself...I'm more aware when I catch myself, to the point that I have started to be able to stop it before it "starts". Still, it is mentally taxing and I have started sleeping more as a result. Desire to go to the gym is at an all time low as well. Not too worried about it at the moment though.
As for any practical progress, I got the cute bartender's number. I can't do anything today though, since I have to stage at a new kitchen. Potential new job, potentially a lot more money in my pocket but less time. Right now, that would suit me just fine. Let the sub continue to do its work, save money, and work my ass off. It'll keep me from drinking and toking as well. Tomorrow is my buddy's birthday though, so I'll see if I can get her to come out.
Music of the Day- Lil Dicky - $ave Dat Money feat. Fetty Wap and Rich Homie Quan
So, been continuing the subs and noticed that the "manic" energy that I was getting off the subs has subsided (or perhaps I've just gotten used to it). Still early in my program though, so it may wax and wane as the weeks go by. I've come to realize that this program does require a lot of consideration as one is going through it; if you aren't attempting to come to terms with your own sexual expression and what you REALLY want, it will hinder your progress, I think.
My desire for women was ultimately holding me back from getting them: it was more fun and emotionally stimulating for me in the past to obsess, when I could have had the women that I wanted quite easily, if I had "pulled the trigger" when I instinctively felt the need to. Rather than doing that, I would climb inside my head as a way to keep myself from doing so and indulge in fantasies that were more "rewarding". It also caused me to miss a lot of details about what the girl(s) actually wanted, causing me to misread things.
I want to compensate for this "failure" by banging LOTS of women, which isn't healthy either. I was seeing relationships like "working out". If I just get "strong" enough, I can bang all the girls with the ease at which I lift weights.
That isn't the way life works, nor should I want it that way.
I want to have sex with women that I connect with, relationships of mutual enjoyment. A healthy and engaging sexual life with other people, that's what I want. Maybe I'm just greedy in that I want multiple partners, but the idea of a small circle of women (2-4) to have sex with appeals to me but, I don't know my limits, or the extent of my "lust", so I just have to take it as it comes and genuinely explore.
What is weird though, is that "bad habits" I thought I had kicked have started coming back in slight bursts over the past few days. Not to the extent they used to be but, it's kind of like old behaviors related to old issues are rising back as I deal with my own internal things.
Kind of sucks but I notice it's easier to stop myself...I'm more aware when I catch myself, to the point that I have started to be able to stop it before it "starts". Still, it is mentally taxing and I have started sleeping more as a result. Desire to go to the gym is at an all time low as well. Not too worried about it at the moment though.
As for any practical progress, I got the cute bartender's number. I can't do anything today though, since I have to stage at a new kitchen. Potential new job, potentially a lot more money in my pocket but less time. Right now, that would suit me just fine. Let the sub continue to do its work, save money, and work my ass off. It'll keep me from drinking and toking as well. Tomorrow is my buddy's birthday though, so I'll see if I can get her to come out.
Music of the Day- Lil Dicky - $ave Dat Money feat. Fetty Wap and Rich Homie Quan
I aim to misbehave.
