05-13-2017, 01:26 PM
So I went back to A, good choice. External results lasted until Thursday, which I would guess comes from "bloom" from when I ran B, together with the A version. But there has been deep work internally.
The first day I went back on A, I had a dream. I was in my childhood house, going out towards the balcony where a sort of monster jumped at me and a friend (who I was guiding around) trying to scare me. I jumped towards it trying to scare it, where it tried scaring me by going out of vision and then suddenly going back. I was unphased and responded the same way. When I was younger, this kind of dreams ("monsters" scaring me) occurred daily as nightmares. I learned eventually to wake up when this happened. I became aware of it being nightmares and triggered myself waking up, could probably have made lucid dreams out of it if I had even known what that was lol. When I had this dream this week, I was totally unphased and calm, pretty much the only difference I can really tell between my nightmares from when I was younger and the one I had now.
These latest days I've been very disoriented, not necessarily depressed but at the same time not so far away. Today while reading "Hannibal and Me" (highly recommended so far) some things struck really hard with me. I feel my whole world kinda flips around. In this book, the author writes about many things, strategy, tactics but also "imposter victories". He takes up many real life examples, mainly from Hannibal, but also from his life, Harry Truman, Meriweather Lewis, Cleopatra and Einstein to mention a few.
The latest thing I read, was about how events that may seem like victories may be devastating/catastrophic later on.
How Lewis, after going on his "discovery trip" got depressed and eventually took suicide. How Einstein after reaching "success" by confirming his theory of relativity became famous but also came to be the thing he disliked when younger. How he with all the media around was unable to be the young/spontaneous scientist who thought out of the box, which brought the "success" in the first place. How Picasso by achieving great "success" with "Demoiselles d'Avignon" his other pieces of art ain't seen "as valuable".
How Hannibal got trapped in his own "victories" by being in Italy for 13 years and not ever really achieving his end-goal.
Now I'm not good at all describing these things the same way the author did, but I've come to really question whether it's "worth it" to go after the same kind of results.
This story came up
Thoughts are flying all over the place right now, but I'll finish the book which I assume/hope will make things clearer for me. Right now I think the message is more similar to that of NGAF. Focus on the things that TRULY matter. Which makes me question whole life again. Why am I spending time writing this on a forum, when I can experience life?
Out for now, kinda expecting my mind to be clearer in a few days, at least that's what I hope.
The first day I went back on A, I had a dream. I was in my childhood house, going out towards the balcony where a sort of monster jumped at me and a friend (who I was guiding around) trying to scare me. I jumped towards it trying to scare it, where it tried scaring me by going out of vision and then suddenly going back. I was unphased and responded the same way. When I was younger, this kind of dreams ("monsters" scaring me) occurred daily as nightmares. I learned eventually to wake up when this happened. I became aware of it being nightmares and triggered myself waking up, could probably have made lucid dreams out of it if I had even known what that was lol. When I had this dream this week, I was totally unphased and calm, pretty much the only difference I can really tell between my nightmares from when I was younger and the one I had now.
These latest days I've been very disoriented, not necessarily depressed but at the same time not so far away. Today while reading "Hannibal and Me" (highly recommended so far) some things struck really hard with me. I feel my whole world kinda flips around. In this book, the author writes about many things, strategy, tactics but also "imposter victories". He takes up many real life examples, mainly from Hannibal, but also from his life, Harry Truman, Meriweather Lewis, Cleopatra and Einstein to mention a few.
The latest thing I read, was about how events that may seem like victories may be devastating/catastrophic later on.
How Lewis, after going on his "discovery trip" got depressed and eventually took suicide. How Einstein after reaching "success" by confirming his theory of relativity became famous but also came to be the thing he disliked when younger. How he with all the media around was unable to be the young/spontaneous scientist who thought out of the box, which brought the "success" in the first place. How Picasso by achieving great "success" with "Demoiselles d'Avignon" his other pieces of art ain't seen "as valuable".
How Hannibal got trapped in his own "victories" by being in Italy for 13 years and not ever really achieving his end-goal.
Now I'm not good at all describing these things the same way the author did, but I've come to really question whether it's "worth it" to go after the same kind of results.
This story came up
Quote:It told the story of a fisherman who was lying in the warm afternoon sun on a beautiful beach, with his pole propped up and his line cast out into the water. An energetic businessman walked by. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman. “You should work harder.”The fisherman looked up and good-naturedly asked, “And what would I get for that?”And I'm beginning to wondering is it so bad to settle down? What's the difference between settling down vs in a few years when I've "done this and done that".
The businessman replied that he would catch more fish, sell them for more money, save the surplus, and invest in a boat and nets, which would let him catch even more fish.
Again the fisherman asked, “And what would I get for that?”
Somewhat impatiently, the businessman explained that he could then reinvest the even greater surplus and buy more boats and hire staff, becoming a small business and catching ever more fish.
Again the fisherman asked, “And what would I get for that?”
Now the businessman lost it. “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you never have to work for a living again? You could spend the rest of your days sitting on this beach, just enjoying this sunset!”
The fisherman’s eyes lit up. “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
Thoughts are flying all over the place right now, but I'll finish the book which I assume/hope will make things clearer for me. Right now I think the message is more similar to that of NGAF. Focus on the things that TRULY matter. Which makes me question whole life again. Why am I spending time writing this on a forum, when I can experience life?
Out for now, kinda expecting my mind to be clearer in a few days, at least that's what I hope.
