Haven't made a post in this journal in a while. Partly because I haven't had anything really happen to me. I'm keeping my own journal daily to see how my mood or thinking process changes as a kind of study. I'm unsure of whether or not the changes in my behavior are due to the subliminal or if problems I've always had are resurfacing. I think to some degree the lack of sunlight has been a problem for me, I feel like I go through this every winter. I've been waking up extremely depressed and have trouble getting out of my bed in the morning. It's always much worse in the morning, but gets a little better throughout the day. It's gotten to the point where I really hate going to sleep at night because I'll have to experience it again the next morning.
I've become somewhat irritable with everyone. I don't think it's the sub though. When people do something disrespectful or annoy the crap out of me and I set them straight, I know it's the sub. But being irritable just around people doesn't seem right. I've been hanging out with my friends and I have fun at times, but sometimes I feel like it's more of an obligation. I pretty much force myself to go out because isolating myself isn't the answer. I just feel like something is off and when I'm hanging out with them I'm not all there and I sometimes have to put on an act so they don't worry about me.
I might be talking out of my ass here, but I think this subliminal is in some ways a traumatic experience for me. This really only applies to me because I feel like I have tremendous trouble adjusting to change for some reason. I know that's a bad belief to hold onto, but I've seen it manifest in my life a lot. Despite the positive nature of the sub, I feel like it takes a tremendous toll on my mind.
I'm going to take a look at my old journal to see if any of my current thoughts or feelings reflect then. I've found despite my current state, my prior run through of alpha strengthened my willpower a lot and I'm able to pull myself out of a lot of negative states. I'm not one to roll over and complain about life expecting people to have pity on me. Nor do I give up and stop trying.
I'm just looking for answers and trying to dissect my own mind. So far I've gotten this. A lot of my social anxiety makes me feel inferior to people, which sucks. But those thoughts spawned at an early age and now I'm stuck in a feedback loop of this thinking. I believe the depression is only a side effect of my anxious disposition and the root IS in my subconscious mind. People are everywhere, in life it is essential that I'm comfortable around people, so it makes sense that a lot of that depression is a direct result of being unable to integrate with society. Basically I know the problem and understand it on such a deep level, but putting into action is just mind-boggling to me. I believe that's where a lot of my frustration comes from, which turns into a silent rage, which turns into depression. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge about the problem causes me more stress than if I was just ignorant to it.
I looked up some personality disorders and avoidant personality disorder describes me perfectly. I originally thought I only had social anxiety, but I'm beginning to realize even though the anxiety isn't there as much, something is still preventing me from being comfortable with people. Regardless of what disorder I may fit, I don't treat it as a label. But it says a secondary symptom is dysthmia, a chronic less severe depression, which mistakenly gets internalized as part of your character sometimes because it is not severe enough. Good news is most studies show it's all environmental, so medication isn't necessary. So looking at things now I'm making progress compared to where I was without these subliminals.
I've become somewhat irritable with everyone. I don't think it's the sub though. When people do something disrespectful or annoy the crap out of me and I set them straight, I know it's the sub. But being irritable just around people doesn't seem right. I've been hanging out with my friends and I have fun at times, but sometimes I feel like it's more of an obligation. I pretty much force myself to go out because isolating myself isn't the answer. I just feel like something is off and when I'm hanging out with them I'm not all there and I sometimes have to put on an act so they don't worry about me.
I might be talking out of my ass here, but I think this subliminal is in some ways a traumatic experience for me. This really only applies to me because I feel like I have tremendous trouble adjusting to change for some reason. I know that's a bad belief to hold onto, but I've seen it manifest in my life a lot. Despite the positive nature of the sub, I feel like it takes a tremendous toll on my mind.
I'm going to take a look at my old journal to see if any of my current thoughts or feelings reflect then. I've found despite my current state, my prior run through of alpha strengthened my willpower a lot and I'm able to pull myself out of a lot of negative states. I'm not one to roll over and complain about life expecting people to have pity on me. Nor do I give up and stop trying.
I'm just looking for answers and trying to dissect my own mind. So far I've gotten this. A lot of my social anxiety makes me feel inferior to people, which sucks. But those thoughts spawned at an early age and now I'm stuck in a feedback loop of this thinking. I believe the depression is only a side effect of my anxious disposition and the root IS in my subconscious mind. People are everywhere, in life it is essential that I'm comfortable around people, so it makes sense that a lot of that depression is a direct result of being unable to integrate with society. Basically I know the problem and understand it on such a deep level, but putting into action is just mind-boggling to me. I believe that's where a lot of my frustration comes from, which turns into a silent rage, which turns into depression. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge about the problem causes me more stress than if I was just ignorant to it.
I looked up some personality disorders and avoidant personality disorder describes me perfectly. I originally thought I only had social anxiety, but I'm beginning to realize even though the anxiety isn't there as much, something is still preventing me from being comfortable with people. Regardless of what disorder I may fit, I don't treat it as a label. But it says a secondary symptom is dysthmia, a chronic less severe depression, which mistakenly gets internalized as part of your character sometimes because it is not severe enough. Good news is most studies show it's all environmental, so medication isn't necessary. So looking at things now I'm making progress compared to where I was without these subliminals.
