Feeling for some writing, probably most of what I'm writing is just a bunch of bullsh*t but what the hell.
I miss feeling the ability to connect with others on a higher plane, on some share understanding, sharing a belief system, finding interaction points where we understand the world the same way. Discussing, figuring things out, sharing the point of view, battling it, finding common understanding and expanding upon it and looking at it from different sides.
On another point, during this period of not feeling great, I have gained perspective on how other people have looked at me during the years. For many I have been a pretty "cool" guy, even though I never looked at myself that way. Many friends, great social skills, happy, confident. And sure I have been all those things, but I never realized that anyone looked at me that way. When dabbling about how other people perceived me (I've been pretty self-conscious) I most of the time assumed they saw the worst in me, all my insecurities and stuff that I didn't want to show.
Furthermore, I was the guy who people confide in when they ran into problems, and trusted in. They still probably do, but it's hard to be for other people when you are struggling in being there just for yourself, and you shouldn't.
It must have been a giant change for many seeing this happy guy, suddenly break down, disappear from the grid, and loose all confidence in himself. I couldn't even believe it myself, but it really happened. Like sewer-total-trainwreckage-crash. I didn't deserve this, but it happened and the only think I could do was to look at it as a gift, and looking at what I could learn from it. And I sure did, but heck I didn't deserve this shit. So let's just instead look at it from the side that God changed to "hard-mode" on his PES just to see what would happen.
I miss feeling the ability to connect with others on a higher plane, on some share understanding, sharing a belief system, finding interaction points where we understand the world the same way. Discussing, figuring things out, sharing the point of view, battling it, finding common understanding and expanding upon it and looking at it from different sides.
On another point, during this period of not feeling great, I have gained perspective on how other people have looked at me during the years. For many I have been a pretty "cool" guy, even though I never looked at myself that way. Many friends, great social skills, happy, confident. And sure I have been all those things, but I never realized that anyone looked at me that way. When dabbling about how other people perceived me (I've been pretty self-conscious) I most of the time assumed they saw the worst in me, all my insecurities and stuff that I didn't want to show.
Furthermore, I was the guy who people confide in when they ran into problems, and trusted in. They still probably do, but it's hard to be for other people when you are struggling in being there just for yourself, and you shouldn't.
It must have been a giant change for many seeing this happy guy, suddenly break down, disappear from the grid, and loose all confidence in himself. I couldn't even believe it myself, but it really happened. Like sewer-total-trainwreckage-crash. I didn't deserve this, but it happened and the only think I could do was to look at it as a gift, and looking at what I could learn from it. And I sure did, but heck I didn't deserve this shit. So let's just instead look at it from the side that God changed to "hard-mode" on his PES just to see what would happen.
