09-15-2016, 07:16 PM
Day 11
I had three days to process a lot of information, and I will get into the day and the thoughts about what occurred in a minute.
First, how are women reacting to me these days. It's been interesting because I certainly feel more women responding to me, some of them just stare at me, some smile, so it's a really mixed bag of feelings. This occurred today despite the fact that I looked like hell.
So, those aspects of DMSI are definitely becoming more and more apparent.
It's also strange that women friends that I had for a while now, but whom I don't communicate with much are starting to respond to me a lot more these days. That's another interesting thing that's occurred. Actually, if I really stop to think about it, today I feel like I could see the wall breaking where women are concerned. But this is after I went on an interesting, self destructive bender over the past two days.
On Day 9 I was still tripped up from my feelings on Monday. I didn't realize it at the time, but, all of that anger was directed as a sharp tongue. I mean, some of the things that I said on Tuesday as I reflect would probably label me as a psychopath. I think Dzemoo posted something akin to having similar feelings. I was that angry. At the baseball game I drank with my boys and ran into someone who once said something really disgusting about a mutual friend of ours. So I laid into him in a fashion that actually made him look like he wanted to cry. I was verbally vicious to the guy.
By the time the night ended, it was 1AM as I was walking into my place. I didn't get to bed until 2 and woke up at 7 to go to the office. This anger issue sort of stayed with me I think for most of Wednesday, though not as blatant. I ended up directing that anger to the bar where I met up with some other friends and basically spent a good portion of the night drinking and partying. This time I didn't get home until 2AM and not to bed until 2:30. Woke up again at 7 and walked around the office today like a zombie. Did 3 loops this morning. That was all I could manage without my brain falling apart on me.
Then around 11AM we get a credible bomb threat in my office. I evacuated everyone from my team out of the building and I was the last one to leave. I was out of the office for another 2 hours while the cops and Fire Department came in to investigate. It was during those 2 hours that I had some time to think about what was happening with DMSI. The resistance to the sub brought up a lot of old angry memories for me and I actually slipped into an old pattern of drinking excessively in trying to bypass some of the pain that had surfaced. I realized that I wasn't dealing with my issues as much as I was trying to drink everything away and party hard.
This presented its own interesting dilemma for me, because on the one hand I could see the progress that DMSI was forcing me to make, and on the other hand I could see how my own self destructive resistance was basically literally killing me (excessive alcohol and no sleep are a lethal combination).
Realizing what was occurring I eased off myself by the late afternoon and decided to breathe a bit. It's currently 11 now as I write this, and as soon as I post, I'm heading to bed.
What's been interesting for me is how hard this sub hits and how it forces someone to look at everything with an almost microscopic precision.
Years ago I would have looked at my drinking, accepted that I was doing it, but I would also have 50 excuses about why.
That wasn't the case.
I also like the fact that I am actually writing this stuff out. Writing forces me to face everything that is right and wrong about who I am and more importantly, how I deal with the world and process the haptic feedback of life.
I'm putting myself through a detox this weekend and going to change my food habits a bit. I'm also going to sleep, because god knows my body needs some rest.
Another interesting fact as it pertains to women - zero interest today. Not feeling aroused like I was yesterday where I would have humped a light pole. I was out of my mind last night.
As far as the manifestations go - I have been seeing a ton of beautiful women lately. More so than any other time this year, which is odd. It may be the sub is finally allowing me to appreciate beauty - I've had my head buried in work almost the entire year.
The bomb threat definitely gave me a fresh perspective again though.
It's definitely been an interesting week.
I'm looking forward to seeing where I am at day 30 of this sub.
I had three days to process a lot of information, and I will get into the day and the thoughts about what occurred in a minute.
First, how are women reacting to me these days. It's been interesting because I certainly feel more women responding to me, some of them just stare at me, some smile, so it's a really mixed bag of feelings. This occurred today despite the fact that I looked like hell.
So, those aspects of DMSI are definitely becoming more and more apparent.
It's also strange that women friends that I had for a while now, but whom I don't communicate with much are starting to respond to me a lot more these days. That's another interesting thing that's occurred. Actually, if I really stop to think about it, today I feel like I could see the wall breaking where women are concerned. But this is after I went on an interesting, self destructive bender over the past two days.
On Day 9 I was still tripped up from my feelings on Monday. I didn't realize it at the time, but, all of that anger was directed as a sharp tongue. I mean, some of the things that I said on Tuesday as I reflect would probably label me as a psychopath. I think Dzemoo posted something akin to having similar feelings. I was that angry. At the baseball game I drank with my boys and ran into someone who once said something really disgusting about a mutual friend of ours. So I laid into him in a fashion that actually made him look like he wanted to cry. I was verbally vicious to the guy.
By the time the night ended, it was 1AM as I was walking into my place. I didn't get to bed until 2 and woke up at 7 to go to the office. This anger issue sort of stayed with me I think for most of Wednesday, though not as blatant. I ended up directing that anger to the bar where I met up with some other friends and basically spent a good portion of the night drinking and partying. This time I didn't get home until 2AM and not to bed until 2:30. Woke up again at 7 and walked around the office today like a zombie. Did 3 loops this morning. That was all I could manage without my brain falling apart on me.
Then around 11AM we get a credible bomb threat in my office. I evacuated everyone from my team out of the building and I was the last one to leave. I was out of the office for another 2 hours while the cops and Fire Department came in to investigate. It was during those 2 hours that I had some time to think about what was happening with DMSI. The resistance to the sub brought up a lot of old angry memories for me and I actually slipped into an old pattern of drinking excessively in trying to bypass some of the pain that had surfaced. I realized that I wasn't dealing with my issues as much as I was trying to drink everything away and party hard.
This presented its own interesting dilemma for me, because on the one hand I could see the progress that DMSI was forcing me to make, and on the other hand I could see how my own self destructive resistance was basically literally killing me (excessive alcohol and no sleep are a lethal combination).
Realizing what was occurring I eased off myself by the late afternoon and decided to breathe a bit. It's currently 11 now as I write this, and as soon as I post, I'm heading to bed.
What's been interesting for me is how hard this sub hits and how it forces someone to look at everything with an almost microscopic precision.
Years ago I would have looked at my drinking, accepted that I was doing it, but I would also have 50 excuses about why.
That wasn't the case.
I also like the fact that I am actually writing this stuff out. Writing forces me to face everything that is right and wrong about who I am and more importantly, how I deal with the world and process the haptic feedback of life.
I'm putting myself through a detox this weekend and going to change my food habits a bit. I'm also going to sleep, because god knows my body needs some rest.
Another interesting fact as it pertains to women - zero interest today. Not feeling aroused like I was yesterday where I would have humped a light pole. I was out of my mind last night.
As far as the manifestations go - I have been seeing a ton of beautiful women lately. More so than any other time this year, which is odd. It may be the sub is finally allowing me to appreciate beauty - I've had my head buried in work almost the entire year.
The bomb threat definitely gave me a fresh perspective again though.
It's definitely been an interesting week.
I'm looking forward to seeing where I am at day 30 of this sub.
