09-12-2016, 07:14 PM
Day 8
I don't feel like writing today, and that's more of a reason for this post than anything else.
Yesterday evening hard was hard for all of the reasons that it's been hard for the past 15 years. Living in NYC at the time of the attacks, it changed the psyche of everyone here, and while the world has gone on, it still affects most of the people who lived through that day here. It reminded me of the friends I lost that day.
I spent the evening with one of my friends, the same one of them that I had written off in my phone contacts. We have common ground, and so we got together and hung out in Long Island City's Gantry and watched the light representations of the twin towers for 2 hours while we talked about the state of our lives. I asked him what was holding him back from achieving all of his dreams. He asked me the same. Unfortunately, neither of us had a very satisfactory answer.
I ended up spending the night at my dad's place, sleeping in my moms old room.
I ran the sub through the night for 3 loops and then again this morning for another 2 loops.
As I ran the sub this morning, I suddenly recalled all of these old memories of when I was a kid. I was socially awkward at the time and I remembered specifically this one girl that I liked. I haven't thought of her in 20 years, but sure enough, so many vivid memories of my childhood came back to me, including what happened when she found out I liked her. The childhood ghosting that came from her.
That led to memories of me being a teenager and the issues I had with girls then, all the way up to college when I built my fortress and went on a bender dating several women - many of whom I emotionally hurt very, very unfairly. I really screwed with several women's hearts back in the day.
This then went through the emotional blackhole I created with other women that loved me - whether they did or not can always be debated - but there is no doubt that these women took unbelievable care of me and supported me in ways that helped heal many of my wounds. And in return for all of that, I ripped their hearts out and fed it back to them every possible way that I could.
I was a bastard.
Which then took me to where I am now - I haven't had a relationship with a woman in 5 years. Sex, yes, but not a real relationship. Nothing steady with any woman. I made the decision not to dip my feet in those waters again - primarily because I honestly just prefer the sex. Women are a fantastic distraction, fun, enjoyable. But at the end of the day a distraction. With work being what it is for me, a distraction is welcome for short periods of time. Nothing more than that.
As all of these thoughts and feelings were going through my head, I felt a physical pain in my chest - like a knotted pain. This went on for the majority of the two loops.
This state of being emotionally overwhelmed stayed with me for the rest of the day. At some point in the evening I saw some of my childhood pictures and I looked at the boy smiling and I couldn't help but wonder where that person went. I had this strong urge to go back in time and find that kid and tell him that all of the pain and unfair feelings that he was feeling - that it was OK and that it passes.
But the reality is that I can't go back, and that boy doesn't exist anymore. And that thought left me with an unbearable sadness.
So, that's why I wrote out today's journal entry. Because I didn't want to write any of this out, and because that boy deserved to be remembered somehow.
Just like everyone that's been lost needs to be remembered...
I don't feel like writing today, and that's more of a reason for this post than anything else.
Yesterday evening hard was hard for all of the reasons that it's been hard for the past 15 years. Living in NYC at the time of the attacks, it changed the psyche of everyone here, and while the world has gone on, it still affects most of the people who lived through that day here. It reminded me of the friends I lost that day.
I spent the evening with one of my friends, the same one of them that I had written off in my phone contacts. We have common ground, and so we got together and hung out in Long Island City's Gantry and watched the light representations of the twin towers for 2 hours while we talked about the state of our lives. I asked him what was holding him back from achieving all of his dreams. He asked me the same. Unfortunately, neither of us had a very satisfactory answer.
I ended up spending the night at my dad's place, sleeping in my moms old room.
I ran the sub through the night for 3 loops and then again this morning for another 2 loops.
As I ran the sub this morning, I suddenly recalled all of these old memories of when I was a kid. I was socially awkward at the time and I remembered specifically this one girl that I liked. I haven't thought of her in 20 years, but sure enough, so many vivid memories of my childhood came back to me, including what happened when she found out I liked her. The childhood ghosting that came from her.
That led to memories of me being a teenager and the issues I had with girls then, all the way up to college when I built my fortress and went on a bender dating several women - many of whom I emotionally hurt very, very unfairly. I really screwed with several women's hearts back in the day.
This then went through the emotional blackhole I created with other women that loved me - whether they did or not can always be debated - but there is no doubt that these women took unbelievable care of me and supported me in ways that helped heal many of my wounds. And in return for all of that, I ripped their hearts out and fed it back to them every possible way that I could.
I was a bastard.
Which then took me to where I am now - I haven't had a relationship with a woman in 5 years. Sex, yes, but not a real relationship. Nothing steady with any woman. I made the decision not to dip my feet in those waters again - primarily because I honestly just prefer the sex. Women are a fantastic distraction, fun, enjoyable. But at the end of the day a distraction. With work being what it is for me, a distraction is welcome for short periods of time. Nothing more than that.
As all of these thoughts and feelings were going through my head, I felt a physical pain in my chest - like a knotted pain. This went on for the majority of the two loops.
This state of being emotionally overwhelmed stayed with me for the rest of the day. At some point in the evening I saw some of my childhood pictures and I looked at the boy smiling and I couldn't help but wonder where that person went. I had this strong urge to go back in time and find that kid and tell him that all of the pain and unfair feelings that he was feeling - that it was OK and that it passes.
But the reality is that I can't go back, and that boy doesn't exist anymore. And that thought left me with an unbearable sadness.
So, that's why I wrote out today's journal entry. Because I didn't want to write any of this out, and because that boy deserved to be remembered somehow.
Just like everyone that's been lost needs to be remembered...
