07-30-2011, 12:13 PM
The last week has been a very strange and dark one, on Monday my mood suddenly dropped (were no changes in personal behaviors, situations, food, sleeping rhythm or anything I can detect that could’ve influenced myself so strongly) and I became very depressed, probably due to resistance. I had frequent thoughts of suicide (not something I intend to so, mind you) and for days it felt like my life was over, and I had no reason to continue going on. I felt a constant strong anxiety going through me that I could hardly control even with the help of meditation or breathing exercises, and when I left the house my thoughts were a haze, could barely concentrate on what people said to me. With people I could barely hold eye contact, just for a second. Emotionally I was also a wreck, I had so much difficulty on keeping myself together instead of bursting into tears. Hated my appearance, also everything seemed very unreal and distant to me (looked like signs of depersonalization and/or derealization to me). It felt like the whole world was against me, and I wasn’t some unwanted defunct part of it. On a lighter note it also didn’t help that my car kind of broke down this week, as I was heading to my appointment with my psychologist. One of the bobines broke, luckily it wasn't a serious problem.
Currently I feel a new sense of power in me and feel like I have a better, tougher shell, that I can handle situations better, but I’m not sure if this will stay at this rate. I feel more freedom towards myself, a bit more open and self-assured. But haven’t experienced this long enough to really go into it more deeply, since there were only a few situations where it really stood out. I’m glad this period is over, but on the other hand I would like as much resistance to $*#& me up, because I know it’s working through important issues, and clearing up unnecessary mental garbage. To be honest, I think I would benefit greatly if I did another 32 days of Stage 1, and then proceed onto the next stages as it was intended. But I know what Shannon response would be on this, so in a few days I’ll go onto Stage 2.
I also think I'll refrain from posting past traumatic events or at least go dig deep into them here, it's not my intention to possibly depress any readers with my &%*#. Although for me it helps to put it into words instead of feelings, I can do this some place else.
Currently I feel a new sense of power in me and feel like I have a better, tougher shell, that I can handle situations better, but I’m not sure if this will stay at this rate. I feel more freedom towards myself, a bit more open and self-assured. But haven’t experienced this long enough to really go into it more deeply, since there were only a few situations where it really stood out. I’m glad this period is over, but on the other hand I would like as much resistance to $*#& me up, because I know it’s working through important issues, and clearing up unnecessary mental garbage. To be honest, I think I would benefit greatly if I did another 32 days of Stage 1, and then proceed onto the next stages as it was intended. But I know what Shannon response would be on this, so in a few days I’ll go onto Stage 2.
I also think I'll refrain from posting past traumatic events or at least go dig deep into them here, it's not my intention to possibly depress any readers with my &%*#. Although for me it helps to put it into words instead of feelings, I can do this some place else.
