07-25-2011, 12:47 PM
Stage 1 - Day 15,
Yesterday night was weird and dark. I felt so weird and dizzy after the heavy drinking from the day before, so I had a breakdown in the middle of the night.
After I had laughed and had a awesome good time with the movie, "Just Go With It" I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't :@.
I had this lump and pain in my breast and a little in my stomach, which I couldn't get away with. I felt strange lonely and it was like I wanted to hug someone or just something.. but I thought, "NO this is not what a real man does!" and I've also always had the point of view that self-pity is to no good.. but I just couldn't get away with the annoying pain. I hugged some folded linens for a while but immediately stopped. (I even texted a female friend if she was awake but I had doubts if it was a good idea)
.
The pain was powerful and I didn't really know what it was and how it came, out of sudden.. so I sat up in my bed and began to cry heavily. It was an addicting feeling and it felt good and dark, like I was consumed by it while I was expressing the pain.
I stopped crying and the feeling went a little away but I still wanted to cry somehow because the feeling was consuming. I still couldn't sleep so I began playing some video games on my laptop, just to get myself distracted from the feelings and thoughts and let the time go, until I was tired enough to sleep.
The next day, I could easily had stayed in my bed all day long. Eventually I decided to get up and make plans for tomorrow (minigolf with friends) and went to my martial arts training. It was great to come back up in the light
.
It's crazy though.. that I had this breakdown. I really haven't thought that I could be so unstable and also be attacked from no-where and not really knowing what hit me.. maybe it's resistance? + the mass alcohol in my blood? Hmm..
Anyways.. today everywhere I looked, people looked me in the eyes, which was kinda funny to notice.
Throughout this day I was also much more in the moment and not in my head, talking to myself. That I guess, is attractive to everybody
...
- LM
Yesterday night was weird and dark. I felt so weird and dizzy after the heavy drinking from the day before, so I had a breakdown in the middle of the night.
After I had laughed and had a awesome good time with the movie, "Just Go With It" I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't :@.
I had this lump and pain in my breast and a little in my stomach, which I couldn't get away with. I felt strange lonely and it was like I wanted to hug someone or just something.. but I thought, "NO this is not what a real man does!" and I've also always had the point of view that self-pity is to no good.. but I just couldn't get away with the annoying pain. I hugged some folded linens for a while but immediately stopped. (I even texted a female friend if she was awake but I had doubts if it was a good idea)
.The pain was powerful and I didn't really know what it was and how it came, out of sudden.. so I sat up in my bed and began to cry heavily. It was an addicting feeling and it felt good and dark, like I was consumed by it while I was expressing the pain.
I stopped crying and the feeling went a little away but I still wanted to cry somehow because the feeling was consuming. I still couldn't sleep so I began playing some video games on my laptop, just to get myself distracted from the feelings and thoughts and let the time go, until I was tired enough to sleep.
The next day, I could easily had stayed in my bed all day long. Eventually I decided to get up and make plans for tomorrow (minigolf with friends) and went to my martial arts training. It was great to come back up in the light
.It's crazy though.. that I had this breakdown. I really haven't thought that I could be so unstable and also be attacked from no-where and not really knowing what hit me.. maybe it's resistance? + the mass alcohol in my blood? Hmm..
Anyways.. today everywhere I looked, people looked me in the eyes, which was kinda funny to notice.
Throughout this day I was also much more in the moment and not in my head, talking to myself. That I guess, is attractive to everybody
...- LM
1. Do whatever you want.. risk whatever your gut tells you because.. you know you have good intentions.
2. Pressure forms the man.
3. Clarity gives space for better decisions.
