Jay - Alpha Male 2011 Journal

[Shannon]

Thanks Pattie. The most prominent difference that I got with my new psychologist is that she was willing to ask me about things, and to go deeper into them. And to raise questions and become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that are instilled behind them. It was only the first intake, but the difference is definitely noticeable even from there. The old one that I had about 5-6 years ago was still a trainee, and I barely had a connection with her.

At the time I already struggled a lot with putting my thoughts and feelings into words, because at the time I didn't knew how to feel for myself. I got the impression that she wasn't taking me seriously or that she wasn't interested in hearing me speak, and it made it very difficult for me to express myself there, let alone be comfortable with myself, she jotted down a few notes, she made me talk but barely interacted, performed a few tests on me, she made statements in the direction that I could be autistic or had Asperger's syndrome. I checked this out myself, but there was very little my sister and I could identify with. I found it insulting. It also didn't help that she barely could remember my name and had the habit of looking often at the clock behind me. I became aware of the pattern that when the 42-43th minute was up, the session was over even if I was still talking or in a highly emotional state. We made a new appointment, and that was that.

I've had been there for almost a year, but I got more nervous each time I had to go there and I didn't see any progress. It didn't help that I already went to a few alternative "healers" (and social workers) before that, and although they were nice and came up with plenty of solutions, it didn't work or or I lacked the motivation to continue on taking the 'treatment' which in effect made me feel even more like a failure. Looking back to it from now, they had no clue how to help me and lacked even the basic tools on determining what my issues could possibly be. "Yes, you're still depressed because your father died four years ago. Yes, that's very sad. Yes, anxiety goes hand in hand with that one. Take these drops or these supplements, it did wonders on one person that I tried it on, turned her life around just like a drop of a hat". I may sound a bit cynical, but that's how I perceive it. On the basis of these experiences it instilled the belief in me that no one could help me, and that I was unfixable, or not worthy enough to be fixed.

So after almost a year I quit, I didn't believe that a different psychologist would handle my problems any differently, and I didn't had the courage to bring myself to confronting her about her behavior (because of the believe that I would hurt her, or make her feel inadequate...). I thought myself to be a hopeless cause and just rolled with it. I knew that at least I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of going to the psychologist anymore.

Looking back now, I can be thankful that I got through those years by myself and I'm glad to see that the things have changed, and that things don't necessarily have to be as I previously perceived them.

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It’s been a while, but I woke up this morning with a genuine feeling of calmness and positivity. I’m assuming that most ‘normal’ people (non-depressed) feel this all the time. It does also help that I wrote my reply to Patti after this.... I’m also starting to see a new pattern in my dreams; most dreams revolve around the theme of impossible people and situations that involve conflict. It also has been a while since I remembered any ‘nice’ dreams.

Although not related but nonetheless possibly interesting to note, what I’ve experienced when I still listened to Balance Your Brain Hemispheres is that the structure of my dreams changed. I’m very right-brained so normally my dreams would be small, non-interlinked (at least appeared so) chaotic stories but after I listened to BYBH it became different stories revolving around a single theme, this could be a certain surrounding, era, people, etc. My dreams became long, unwinding stories and I experienced them much more vividly than I would before. It also became much easier to remember the dreams, even hours after waking up. In case you’re a fan of dreaming, I can recommend it. I do have to say that I tried the program for over a month and the effects have worn a bit of in the meantime, so my dreams aren’t that vivid anymore and the storyline is now a compilation of tied around themes and random bits, but after AM I’ll probably go for that one, if it isn’t Stop and Reverse Hair Loss or Improve Your Grades and Study Habits.

I also came to the small realization that self-help books and tapes are nice and can be insightful, but if you’re not doing anything with it, it’s a waste of time because the information will dissolve eventually and will be overridden back by your old beliefs. Although this isn’t a profound insight, the difference is that although I understood this intelligently, my old patterns and ways (decisions) still permitted me to make me feel that I actually gained something from it. It doesn’t really. It’s the same ol’ dopamine mechanism that’s only distracting with temporary highs that don’t lead anywhere, and which don’t stick because you need more and more of them to reach the same effects. I hope this makes sense to you

After my nervous breakdown I tried to trace back the steps that led me to the insights I gathered from my past experiences and I tried to gather as much old information that led me to certain realizations or that I used to cultivate them. This to no avail, and with almost no a-ha moments. I think I hit my head plenty of times in the meantime and felt pretty much stuck on this one. It’s better to focus on just one, until you fully mastered this and have included this into your daily habits. And then proceed to the next, instead of just trying everything all at once. Trying all at once does give you a good perspective of what’s out there, but eventually you’ll have come to the point to choose what’s most suitable for you and stick with it.

I think I’ll leave it at a daily routine with only AM11, 30 minutes of Japa meditation, 20-30 minutes of mirror affirmations and to listen to one audiobook at least twice a week to engrain that message fully, and to keep my brain busy thinking on those subjects and from that paradigm.

My affirmations so far are (loosely translated from Dutch), these are the only ones that I currently can emote with and that have a sense of truth behind them that I can enlarge by repeating them:

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be;
  
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
  
• I love myself;
  
• I love myself truly for who I am;
  
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
  
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows;
  
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
  
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough;
  
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it;
  
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
  
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

Two points.

First, if you use a subliminal of Type B for the minimum amount of time (BYBH, 32 days) then yes, eventually it will probably fade. You have to use it longer than that for long term or permanent results. 32 days is designed to get it working and working well, not necessarily be an end-all, be-all. It is the minimum amount of time you should be using the program for in order to get your money's worth.

Second point is, some of your affirmations are not helping you, or could use a little boost. See below.

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be; [leads to stagnation and lack of motivation to change anything for the better. If you're using this for anti-anxiety, it's better to specifically attack the anxiety itself, such as "I now and forever more completely and successfully disconnect from any and all negative, useless anxiety.]
  
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
  
• I love myself;
  
• I love myself truly for who I am;
  
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
  
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows; [I truly love and accept all of myself, inside and outside]
  
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
  
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough; [I am more than good enough to deserve everything I want and need]
  
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it; [I now know and accept that I can handle it]
  
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
  
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

Hope that helps.