Day 18
What’s probably one of the more notable breakthroughs is that my perception of my appearance has changed for the better, during DAS I already noticed that my perception had changed when I randomly stumbled upon a bunch of pictures of me that were taken in 2007-2009, and previously I absolutely hated looking at those. Instead of just seeing the inherent badness and ugliness I noticed that I was more focusing on the big picture instead of focusing and amplifying the flaws mainly, and I actually saw an average looking guy that looked a bit unhealthy and uncomfortable with himself. Also my hair and skin was a different story altogether, normally I would hate my hair(style) because I barely can get it in the position that I want to. In a few pictures I still remembered that I had a bad hair day on that day, and I was baffled to realize that it actually didn’t look bad. Also I have acne scars on my cheeks, and normally I would hate the way that light would fall onto that, but now I saw it more as a redeeming feature. Also the “holes” didn’t look as obvious as they used to. My nose normally would be an issue as well, I believe I have an Aquiline (roman/hook) nose, but it’s slightly crooked and I would hate it when look at the sides of my nose and face. I perceived it as the proportion or scale didn’t match up with the rest of my face. But while looking at the pictures it looked just plain normal.
I took confidence in the realization that I actually could look good in pictures now, but as I looked into the mirror I didn’t see that much difference. I actually received a few compliments during that period about my appearance (has barely happened at all in my life) I was milder towards my facial features, but not as much as I experienced with the photographs. I still could be I just presumed that this was a matter of time before that would turn around as well.
During the past week I noticed that most times I would look at myself in the mirror I could positively affirm that I truly looked good (I carefully even want to mention feeling sexy), even if I hadn’t done anything to myself. So this is going in the right direction. But I think it’s mood dependent, whenever I’m in a depressed or low mood my perception of myself also changes, and that’s when I’m prone on criticizing myself and focusing more negatively on my perceived flaws. But I’m glad that I’ve seen these changes so early on in the program and I hope that this will become balanced and congruent throughout the process.
In social situations I’m still very drawn back and introverted, this is mainly because I don’t socialize that much, and I barely leave the house (I’m still looking for more goals/excuses to leave the house). Although I care and think less about my appearance I still believe that people can perceive that there is something “weird” or off about my behavior or the things I might say (probably because of fear of rejection and conflict), also I notice that it’s hard to concentrate during social encounters, they also take a lot of energy. Since I lack experience I just don’t trust my ability in socializing and just try to keep myself out of as much as possible. I need to find something I can be passionate about, I’m focusing too much on the negative and on this condition I believe.
Tomorrow is the first of my two intake conversations with my new psychologist. My previous one didn’t have any experience with BDD or bipolar so I got redirected, just hope that I at least have some sort of click with this one, and that she can come up with some suitable solutions for this.
Other changes:
What’s probably one of the more notable breakthroughs is that my perception of my appearance has changed for the better, during DAS I already noticed that my perception had changed when I randomly stumbled upon a bunch of pictures of me that were taken in 2007-2009, and previously I absolutely hated looking at those. Instead of just seeing the inherent badness and ugliness I noticed that I was more focusing on the big picture instead of focusing and amplifying the flaws mainly, and I actually saw an average looking guy that looked a bit unhealthy and uncomfortable with himself. Also my hair and skin was a different story altogether, normally I would hate my hair(style) because I barely can get it in the position that I want to. In a few pictures I still remembered that I had a bad hair day on that day, and I was baffled to realize that it actually didn’t look bad. Also I have acne scars on my cheeks, and normally I would hate the way that light would fall onto that, but now I saw it more as a redeeming feature. Also the “holes” didn’t look as obvious as they used to. My nose normally would be an issue as well, I believe I have an Aquiline (roman/hook) nose, but it’s slightly crooked and I would hate it when look at the sides of my nose and face. I perceived it as the proportion or scale didn’t match up with the rest of my face. But while looking at the pictures it looked just plain normal.
I took confidence in the realization that I actually could look good in pictures now, but as I looked into the mirror I didn’t see that much difference. I actually received a few compliments during that period about my appearance (has barely happened at all in my life) I was milder towards my facial features, but not as much as I experienced with the photographs. I still could be I just presumed that this was a matter of time before that would turn around as well.
During the past week I noticed that most times I would look at myself in the mirror I could positively affirm that I truly looked good (I carefully even want to mention feeling sexy), even if I hadn’t done anything to myself. So this is going in the right direction. But I think it’s mood dependent, whenever I’m in a depressed or low mood my perception of myself also changes, and that’s when I’m prone on criticizing myself and focusing more negatively on my perceived flaws. But I’m glad that I’ve seen these changes so early on in the program and I hope that this will become balanced and congruent throughout the process.
In social situations I’m still very drawn back and introverted, this is mainly because I don’t socialize that much, and I barely leave the house (I’m still looking for more goals/excuses to leave the house). Although I care and think less about my appearance I still believe that people can perceive that there is something “weird” or off about my behavior or the things I might say (probably because of fear of rejection and conflict), also I notice that it’s hard to concentrate during social encounters, they also take a lot of energy. Since I lack experience I just don’t trust my ability in socializing and just try to keep myself out of as much as possible. I need to find something I can be passionate about, I’m focusing too much on the negative and on this condition I believe.
Tomorrow is the first of my two intake conversations with my new psychologist. My previous one didn’t have any experience with BDD or bipolar so I got redirected, just hope that I at least have some sort of click with this one, and that she can come up with some suitable solutions for this.
Other changes:
- Sensing more freedom towards decision making, less worry and doubt revolves around this;
- More control over my thoughts, my inner dialogue also has become a bit more milder;
- A little bit more prone on thinking for myself, and having more of a tendency to question things instead of just blatantly accepting them thinking that someone else is by definition more right than I am;
- More assertive, less prone to back down when I notice my boundaries being pushed or stepped on;
- Occasional spontaneous feelings of sadness rising up;
- While listening to the program, noticing a sensation in the front and occasionally in the back of my head, sometimes with a feeling of elation afterwards;
- Long winded and more negative dreams;
- Occasional strong urge to swim and work out;
- Generally a bit more calm, relaxed than before;
- A little bit less serious, more fun-loving than before;
