OGSF5.9G: Time to meet my true self

[MrGnome]

Cycle 1, Day on 1:

Welp, Tonight is finally the night that I can start this Experience/Sub!

After 6 months of OCF4 (Yes I know I should've used it for 7 but everything told me I needed to make the switch now, after 7 days break ofcourse)

I can tell my subconcious wont like it already...

I feel Nervous and kinda scared now, even though in the last week I was mainly hyped for it..

Mayby it's scared that I would be no longer myself?

or Mayby it's scared I will put myself in danger? 

I dont really know why.. But what I do know is that it's both a sign that I need this and that I can expect resistance to it.

Although it makes a lot of sense..

I mean this Experience/Sub will change alot about me and my live, because it will fix most of my problems or the main noticeble atleast. 

I just hope I wont oversleep tomorrow because of the extra tiredness it will give me xD  

I'm also excited to see how: My Life Will Change. 

[MrGnome]

Cycle 1, Day on 2:

Wow, after just 1 day of useing it, I already felt lighter and happier in bed.

Later on, on the road to work I got a little sad though but still lighter then I used to be. after that I got back to how I was during the 1 week break while still feeling lighter

Also I didn't overslept like I feared in fact I felt slightly more awake then I did in my 1 week break.

Another thing is this might be the first Exp/Sub that sended me funny energy feelings to my mouth.

Also After I used it, My first instinct was that I wanted to play more loops but I dont know if thats a good idea in my very first week.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 1, Day 3:

Well last night was interesting, In the fact that I got an elecktrick schock feeling in my mouth.

After drinking some water it was gone though but still what is it with this Exp/Sub and my mouth?

I'm very curious now.

[Shannon]

If you get urges for more, follow them. Especially during the beginning.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 1, Day on 4:

I notice today that I got less effected by emotions when ever I read the news or online debates.

before I got easly emotionally involved even if it turned out to be pointless in the bigger picture, Now I can just read it without getting all angry and fearing the world will end over 10 years.

I can still get mad though outside of online sociale media stuff but overall it becomes slightly harder for me to become mad.

Also I have this weird mood now where I'm trying to do as much stuff as I can in a small amount of time.

Considering this is only my first cycle. I'm very curious what the results will be over 4 month's.

(Oh and for those who want my mouth thing to become a running thing, Nothing happend to my mouth last night :p)

[MrGnome]

Cycle 2, Day on 1

Here's a little recap off my 4 days off:

I noticed I became slightly more sociale and the thought of what people would think of me became less.

I got mood switches sometimes overly happy and sometimes very sad.

The sadness comes mainly from the fear of losing my friends again (because my D&D sessions might be cancelled forever because 2 of my friends broke up with each other) and to be honest

I never really learned to start taking inniative to plan something with my friends, Like how I never really learned how to start a conversation..

In the past people always came to me and we somehow bonded but as life went on, I always lost them over the times untill I met someone on youtube who brought me to other people in friend group..

Later on she left but she still brought my great friends and we had lots of meetings.. untill once again life went on.. but I had a few of those friends with whom I played D&D but since 2 of those broke up in a relationship.

I'm sure that great time will be over as well..

So I kinda realised one of my biggest fear is: Loneliness...

and I truely hope that at the end of this experience that fear will just go away and I will finally start to love myself...

and just be happy, Even talk with random folk and so on...

I'm pretty sure my want for a girlfriend is also related to the fear of loneliness...

Oh well, I'm starting the second cycle right after this post so lets see what will happen in the next 4 months.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 2, Day Off 2:

Welcome to the tired as F stage.. but oh well I will still try to write an update.

Well the biggest change is the fact that I stept into a strangers car yesterday, The busses were taking strike again.. so the amount of busses were limited..

So a random guy came to me, told me about the fact that the first bus would come at 13:00, So he asked me If I wanted a ride with him cause we both needed to go to the same place.

So surpricingly I got in the car (wich is something I would have never done in the past, because of the famous stranger danger line).


The second one I noticed is the fact I'm starting to build a resistance to buying junk food, Normally I would just take it and go "why not?" even though I still want to lose weight.. but yesterday I had an inside battle about it.

I still Lost though but the fact it was there in the first place is interesting.. (although this battle was not there the second time I bought candy because I already did it and got annoyed by the strike..)

The main thing is what I started with.. the fact that I'm constantly tired... The fact that I might have messed up again in 2 of my 4 days this cycle doesn't help either I think..

In those 2 days I might have messed up with my music player app wich might have resolved in only hearing 1 loop instead of 5 (I increased the loop by one because of craving)..

So yeah, So far I'm happy with my results, Even if I'm getting tired of being tired.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 3, Day Off 2:

I'm feeling alot of anxiety this last week..

What Should I do? Do I keep going on Ultrasonic? or Should I change format?

Also my desire to eat got worse, Even though my whole point was to lose weight..

Although I do have things to worry about like:

The bus strikes that continue on for 50% of this month...

the fact I get less money again because I have a year contract job now.. And I just want to sure I use it 100% correctly.

(But I still dont know how to know when to switch formats..)
(Nor how to deal with resistance)

What I do know is: My subconcious doesn't seem to like this Experience.

[Shannon]

Cycle 3, Day Off 2:

I'm feeling alot of anxiety this last week..

What Should I do? Do I keep going on Ultrasonic? or Should I change format?

Also my desire to eat got worse, Even though my whole point was to lose weight..

Although I do have things to worry about like:

The bus strikes that continue on for 50% of this month...

the fact I get less money again because I have a year contract job now.. And I just want to sure I use it 100% correctly.

(But I still dont know how to know when to switch formats..)
(Nor how to deal with resistance)

What I do know is: My subconcious doesn't seem to like this Experience.

First, are you sure these issues are from OGSF?

Second, are you sure that if they are, that it doesn't just mean you're now working through issues that cause you a lot of anxiety?

Third, are you thinking your subconscious doesn't like this experience because it's not working?

What are your current usage patterns and volume? 

If every time things get a little uncomfortable you seek relief, you're going to always be at the mercy of those parts of you that don't want to change, grow, face their issues, or heal.  Let's figure out more about what's going on for you and try to understand why and if there is a better option than your current usage patterns.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 3, Day Off 2:

I'm feeling alot of anxiety this last week..

What Should I do? Do I keep going on Ultrasonic? or Should I change format?

Also my desire to eat got worse, Even though my whole point was to lose weight..

Although I do have things to worry about like:

The bus strikes that continue on for 50% of this month...

the fact I get less money again because I have a year contract job now.. And I just want to sure I use it 100% correctly.

(But I still dont know how to know when to switch formats..)
(Nor how to deal with resistance)

What I do know is: My subconcious doesn't seem to like this Experience.

First, are you sure these issues are from OGSF?

Second, are you sure that if they are, that it doesn't just mean you're now working through issues that cause you a lot of anxiety?

Third, are you thinking your subconscious doesn't like this experience because it's not working?

What are your current usage patterns and volume? 

If every time things get a little uncomfortable you seek relief, you're going to always be at the mercy of those parts of you that don't want to change, grow, face their issues, or heal.  Let's figure out more about what's going on for you and try to understand why and if there is a better option than your current usage patterns.

1 and 2: Yeah I do start to think it's because the experience is working. (because I'm also constantly switching from confident to anxiety and from anxiety to confident) 

3: No I think my subconscious doesn't like it, is because I feel like it's fighting against it but I could also confused it for working (I guess messing up Experiences became one of my recent fears aswell..)  

Although I'm not gonna lie, Recently I do ask myself of why am I afraid of doing something like asking my friend is I could hangout (answer: I fear the rejection, like having no time or intrest) 

4: My usage patterns are: 5 loops, 4 days on, 4 days off, Ultrasonic, 9 clicks. 

5: It's true I'm an emotionale eater and my Life in generale is at a worry state at the moment... and I still dont have the part where I feel confident about myself (lack of skills and knowledge doesn't help much either) 

6: Mayby I'm also focussing to much on that energy feeling I feel when listening to it... mayby it makes sense that it gets weaker over time? (or atleast less noticable) 

7: I also appeared to have lost some weight despite eating more. (no idea if the expierence has something to do with it but I still mention it just in case)

8: Also It's very noticible that 2 parts of me are fighting each other: the part who wants the change that paid for the experience and the part who want the things to stay the same because it's easy and safe.

[Shannon]

First, are you sure these issues are from OGSF?



Second, are you sure that if they are, that it doesn't just mean you're now working through issues that cause you a lot of anxiety?



Third, are you thinking your subconscious doesn't like this experience because it's not working?



What are your current usage patterns and volume? 



If every time things get a little uncomfortable you seek relief, you're going to always be at the mercy of those parts of you that don't want to change, grow, face their issues, or heal.  Let's figure out more about what's going on for you and try to understand why and if there is a better option than your current usage patterns.

1 and 2: Yeah I do start to think it's because the experience is working. (because I'm also constantly switching from confident to anxiety and from anxiety to confident)

That's the Tidal effect.  You make progress, it scares some part of you, that part u-does some of the progress, and then relaxes.  Then you make more progress when it relaxes, and it repeats, but!  Since this isn't the first time it's happened, it's not as scary, and there is push back, but not enough to erase all the progress.  Sort of like 2 steps forward, 1 step back.  Still progress.

3: No I think my subconscious doesn't like it, is because I feel like it's fighting against it but I could also confused it for working (I guess messing up Experiences became one of my recent fears aswell..)

 

You can stop blaming and punishing yourself for making mistakes now.    Do you know and understand why your subconscious self is fighting the program?

Although I'm not gonna lie, Recently I do ask myself of why am I afraid of doing something like asking my friend is I could hangout (answer: I fear the rejection, like having no time or intrest) 

Why would you fear rejection unless you were making it their responsibility for you to be worth spending time with?  You need to work on internalizing your own sense of self worth in that you understand that what other people say and do and choose does not reflect on what value you hold in any way.

4: My usage patterns are: 5 loops, 4 days on, 4 days off, Ultrasonic, 9 clicks. 

How are the days on vs days off?

5: It's true I'm an emotionale eater and my Life in generale is at a worry state at the moment... and I still dont have the part where I feel confident about myself (lack of skills and knowledge doesn't help much either) 

Self confidence stems from having a positive self image.  You are very judgemental of and critical of yourself, and I suspect you learned that from your...

6: Mayby I'm also focussing to much on that energy feeling I feel when listening to it... mayby it makes sense that it gets weaker over time? (or atleast less noticable)

As you are getting used to the change?

7: I also appeared to have lost some weight despite eating more. (no idea if the expierence has something to do with it but I still mention it just in case)

Interesting.

8: Also It's very noticible that 2 parts of me are fighting each other: the part who wants the change that paid for the experience and the part who want the things to stay the same because it's easy and safe.

Does one side seem to be winning at this point?

[MrGnome]

"That's the Tidal effect. You make progress, it scares some part of you, that part u-does some of the progress, and then relaxes. Then you make more progress when it relaxes, and it repeats, but! Since this isn't the first time it's happened, it's not as scary, and there is push back, but not enough to erase all the progress. Sort of like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Still progress."

Awesome! : D, I thought this would be the case. (when self doubt dont come into play..) but confirmation is always nice. (It will also help to say shut up to my self doubt).

"You can stop blaming and punishing yourself for making mistakes now. Wink Do you know and understand why your subconscious self is fighting the program?"

True, I learned from it and I make sure everything will go correctly now. Why my subconscious is fighting? because it's scared of the unknown I guess..

"Why would you fear rejection unless you were making it their responsibility for you to be worth spending time with? You need to work on internalizing your own sense of self worth in that you understand that what other people say and do and choose does not reflect on what value you hold in any way.""

"Self confidence stems from having a positive self image. You are very judgemental of and critical of yourself, and I suspect you learned that from your..."

Well My parents were raised with the idea that everyone else was better then them (especially my mother) So ofcourse I was raised with that mind set as well.

Also my Autism was found when I was 3 years old after a seizure attack and everyone always told me I was different but I never really knew how. (even though I had to learn to look people in the eye)

Luckly one of the subtle changes of the subs is that I slowly become more social, I'm not yet at the point where I start conversation with strangers but I can give better responds to what strangers are saying to me.

"As you are getting used to the change?"

I guess? the thing I noticed from when I messed up was that at the beginning there was this energy feeling lasting only for a few days but now that I'm useing it correctly I can still feel it even though it gets weaker over time.

So I guess I just treated it as a sign that I'm using the experiences correctly now.

"Does one side seem to be winning at this point?"

For now it's a tie but I do feel the part that wants the change to become stronger it's just subtle and needs some more time : )

"How are the days on vs days off?"

Hmm, pretty good I guess? I dont really noticed a difference between the two other then the fact I get very happy when I'm listening to the Experience in my sleep, The Tiredness and the mood switch seems to happen and both on and off days.

I had a few off days where I looked forward to the days on again after the second day off though but not enough to think I should reduce my off days to 2.

Also while writing this I found out how the Quote button works, so next time I will be able to make better responds posts. xD

[Shannon]

Regarding autism... be careful not to fall into the traps most people fall into when it comes to things like this.

First, remember that it is a diagnosis, a "this is what we think you have happening," and it may or may not be an accurate diagnosis.  Diagnosticians are not perfect.

Second, even if you are autistic, it is a state of being, not an identity. I have seen so many people be diagnosed with various things and then make that their whole identity, and when you do that, it's basically you doubling down on it and focusing into it in ways that make it stronger.  A lot of people also dio this so they have an excuse to stop trying, escape personal responsibility, etc.

You may have autism, but you are not autism.  You are someone who is dealing with autism.  And it will only limit you as much as you let it.  They may tell you what they think they know concerning autism, but again, modern science seems to think it knows everything, even as it is continually proving itself wrong by constantly making new discoveries.  As such, peopl are often told, as if there is absolute certainty, that "[pick your diagnosis] is X, and Y can never happen, and yada yada."  The fact is, this, if accepted as true, becomes true because you treat it as true and respond as if it is true, even when and if it is false.

In a lot of cases, it is false and you can make changes and improvements that disgnosticians say you can't, because they haven't seen those changes, and that's because nobody has tried to make them.  In many cases, this becomes a vicious circle and self fulfilling prophecy: they conclude that group of factors A is part of disorder B and because they have only observed C they conclude that C is all that is possible.  So they tell people with factors A that they have disorder B and that only C is possible.  Then people who believe this (because doctors are infallible, of course) give up and just accept that C is what they will experience, or worse, they actually double down and focus into C and make it worse because it gives them an identity that makes them [different, special, not responsible for themselves, yada yada].  In many cases, that same person can choose to do things that will lessen or possibly even mitigate or remove C entirely, but they can only do this if they understand that doctors/diagnosticians are not infallible, and neither is their knowledge flawless. 

So if you are autistic, don't assume that you must always deal with XYZ because someone told you that's just the way it is.  Maybe that's true, and maybe it's partially true and maybe it's not true at all.  But you always have the choice to find ways to improve yourself and your life, and in many cases, that means you can learn to handle things differently or adjust yourself in various ways that may help or even eliminate weaknesses or issues from situations like having to deal with autism.

You always have the choice to work in the direction of making yourself better and stronger.  And as someone who has been in your shoes, I respect your efforts to do so.  Keep going!

[MrGnome]

Thanks I needed that : )

Cycle 4 Day On 2: 

Welp today was interesting... 

1st: My tiredness reached a whole new limit to the point I could barely work for 2 hours. 

2nd: My Headache that shows up randomly during the day and ofcourse...

3rd: My leggs are hurting alot but I'm sure I guess that one might be related to exercising on tuesday's and wednessday..

4th: The uncomfortable feeling in my throat that is finally gone now but wasn't that great either.

Luckily my Boss was understanding of this when I told him how I was feeling today (it also helped I told him about this experience a while ago) 

But yeah this is the biggest sign of a big trauma being removed, I'm curious wich trauma it will be but hey First I wanna get rid of the pain..

Even more so since I have to work tomorrow as well.