RERUN 3 AM5

[Vincent_Vega]

Other than that, life is great. I just got a number from a cute girl, and invited her to go hiking with me and some friends this weekend. It'll be awesome. She ended up saying no, and didn't give another day or time though, so I guess she isn't interested for whatever reason.. Im fine with that Ill go look for someone else who's interested.

Can I suggest that you strike up a conversation, rebuild trust and then invite her to something more casual like a drink or coffee which is low risk and low investment for her? That way she won't feel like it's such a big deal. Remember, she doesn't even know you…

Go hiking in a forrest where no one can hear you scream with a new met guy and his friends...yeeeah, great idea

[aswase]

Im almost finished with stage 5.
Before I re-update my journal with my offline recounts, id just like to add a little fluff.

Overall, throughout this stage, almost on a daily basis Ive been having strong resistance.. A need to switch from AM5 to AM6. I only messed up once today, deciding to use am6 stage 1 once, and then deciding later (Now) to simply continue what Ive been doing.
Initially I had rationalize that because AM6 had a more focused approach in the direction that I wanted versus AM5, that id simply benefit more, but the real reason that I believe Ive not noticed much change over the past runs is that I gave up at this point as well.
From past experience, I now know that what i'm dealing with, is resistance, not a realignment in beliefs. Just a want for the easy, quick way out.
Im sticking it through. Just another month or so, and I can start out AM6. I can wait.

[aswase]

Day ----
Its pretty cool cause in the end, Theory is all bs. If you can do anything in public without feeling judged. AKA, youre comfortable, then youre alpha.
All this sit like so, stand like so, takes you to the top of the cliff, but in the end youre really just jumping off. once you do then there is no other thing to really do.
Just wade in the water, till the current pulls you to shore when you arnt paying attention. Then you climb once again.
Pain in the ass, but in the end, you can just reframe the journey into something you like.
Disrupting the peace and feeling fine while doing so is a good general idea on where to start in my opinion. Since I started from such a general perspective, it rolls over onto other areas of my life that causes anxiety, such as pickup.

[aswase]

Stage 5 day 3

Ive become selectively mute again.
Not sure if its lack of calories, or the lithium stopped working like how it used to. My mind is just blank kind of.

I slept around 12 hours last night/morning and pissed off my parents.
Ive been staying out kinda late partying/ hanging out with friends to try and fix this, but my parents want me home.
I feel that its kind of fucked up, since I hate being alone in my room like I used to be before, and hate that theyre holding me back.

Hopefully If I get enough money, I can start living on my own, and wont have to deal with this anymore.
Just need to make sure not to fall out of my workout habits, and to keep smoking to a minimum or quit. Lately ive been socially smoking, and not buying packs. It at first helped me socially, but now is holding me back in ways. Maybe Ill buy a box mod.

So far, women are definitely attracted to me. Just need to start talking....
Ill usually grunt in response, or play around physically with them, play games, sing, but nothing wants to come out verbally. Atleast. In comparison to everyone else.

My focus, other than staying out, and hanging as long as possible, is to start working on my leadership, marketing, finance, and sales skills, to get promoted to manager at work.

Overall, ive just noticed myself being more caustic/polarizing/unethical/blunt/More antisocial, but not scared of interaction. Just bored/ too lazy for conversation. I really enjoy doing things though, and am more verbal with my hands and body than my words so to speak. I do what I want when I want, and can do anything.
Comfortable everywhere I go, except around women sometimes.
Another positive, is that its easier to force myself to do stuff earlier so I wont have to do it later.
Because i do what I want however, I also end up procrastinating in a lot of areas. homework, or rockclimbing? nobrainer.

During the first half of most my days, im fried, but after 5 hours or so, my brain kicks back in 85%. Need to up my sleep some more to maybe 10 hours. also started upping my calories; ended up real lean 6% (or maybe even lower due to water retention, and low salt), and lost a little muscle from my negligence, but Ill do it right this time.

Mainly, I only get upset when i'm wrong, and no one wants to explain why. Thats also one of the few areas where if people make fun/prod at my inexperience, where Ill turn a little caustic. So... confusion anger. other than that, I seem to give less fucks in all areas. I also got another parking ticket. FUCK. didn't notice the red curb till hours later since I got myself into a rush.

My focus right now is on gaining a mentor, then I can get promoted to manager at my job, and then move on out, making my own business, and living on my own.

[aswase]

Stage 5, Day 21
Ive lost track of the time and havnt been able to focus lately.
Ive been party binging and neglecting my college work.
Its time to settle down, and refocus as I have been in prior stages.
Lately ive been completely comfortable with how I am outside and with doing a lot more than usual.
I still need to eat more.. And workout more... but Im definitely better than before.

A couple nights ago I had a dream about my best friend.
He was shot and lying on an operating table and I stood next to him. The doctors went in to fix him, and pulled out wires from his body.
He was a robot. But I wasnt scared. He described himself in such a way earlier this week.
I just wanted him to be "alive, and well."
Perhaps just because you cant understand something, doesnt mean you cant accept and love it.
When I was closed off in prior stages, I used to feel as though having an opinion about something, without foresight was stupid.. but in reality. Not having an opinion exposes you to not learning.
The faster you pick sides (although not crazy and hardcore immediately about something,) The more quickly people will inform you. The more interested they'll be in you.

Opinion----
I dont think ______ is good. It sounds like _______. me
I agree! (Information) (them)
I dont agree (Information) (them)

No opinion----
Idk. me
Think about it maybe then? (them)
Maybe. me
Okay then... (them)

Last night i dreamt of a cute blonde blue eyed girl who was obsessed with me, and was following me around when I was hanging out with another girl.
Her eyes look familiar. Think it might be this girl I was going to pick up... but got preoccupied with the group, and she went back to her dorm to use the bathroom.
She kept eyeing me from a distance every few steps; calling me with her eyes. In the moment, I didnt do anything.. She is still a future prospect though. She was cute, and kind of smart.

I got my second ever fwb a week or so ago```