Perceptions of understanding

[SuperCoolDude]

I'm so fed up with family, I just want to move far away and never return, seriously. I'm bothered with hearing people talk about me behind my back, I'm seeing people as 2 faced, I am noticing even family members I can't be fully 100 percent open with them because a lot of them have their own hidden agender.

Life never use to be like this, I feel kind of lonely because the only person I can actually trust and be open with is my wife and we both want to go our own seperate ways... how weird, crazy and fucked up is that?

I don't know what is happening, is this normal changes when you get older? ...you see things totally different, then when younger?... is this all just resistance?

My perceptions of all life and everything in it is changing, I feel like I need to hold onto something...

What happened to the child that was once me, all oblivious, ignorant and happy?

This ride is tough, man. And I haven't even started yet. What's wrong with ignorant and happy anyway?

I'm scared for my sanity.

[SuperCoolDude]

I had my life coaching session last night, It helped in one way or another, and maybe helped me see things a little bit differently, I got some 'homework' to do.

I was bothered with that I didn't feel that he really cared for me as a person, I just felt like a £ sign. I don't know.... I am comparing him to someone that I met in Peru, that was from Columbia, that now lives in the US, that now IS a life coach.

HE was amazing, I felt that he genuinely cared about me and wanted me to succeed with my wants and desires. HE was compassionate, sympathetic, understanding, relating, I loved the guy to be honest, he was all heart, amazing vibe. He became a good friend too, I still am in contact with him, I wish I just Skype'd him, I will in the future if I ever want a session with a life coach again.

I cried a few times when I came back from the session, as my perceptions are changing with my life and all the people in it, I kind of got upset. I felt kind of lonely if I am honest, I just could not help getting upset and crying, my emotions where so mixed and confused, I was just crying and not understanding what is going with myself and how I am seeing my life and everybody in it.

I never cry much, and usually I am the kind of guy that is repulsed by wet emotions, but for some reason I am feeling I have emotions, more then I though I had.

I don't know man, it's like a mental and/or emotional roller coaster around here, I don't know what the fuck is going on. All I can do is to just to keep going and that's it.

Questioning my sanity continues...

[SuperCoolDude]

I might have to stop this sub. I've been geting more and more depressed, with borderline suicidal thoughts.

These subs just give me too much resistance man...

[SuperCoolDude]

I notice my past, as a child seems very wonderful, exciting and has emotions that are attached to it not like anything else.

I think to my self where did it go?

It feels like one min, I was there living it and I was then near there little bit older and then....now.

All my past seems like a dream. All I know is now. Things have changed and changed for good, there is no going back now, it has gone.

It's kind of sad, and feelings that I never had before, only of lately. It is like I have woke up and realize I am an adult and now I have to start doing adult things. And I am like wow wow wow hang on a min, let me catch up, I have only just got here, where did it go?

The other day I had a experience where I realized, I well and truly only have my self. And I was thinking this thought in my head, and then it was like I was talking to myself, but myself was listening to my self, so it felt like more then one me and in that moment, I realized I am never alone, because I have my self.

[SuperCoolDude]

If I am starting at rock bottom as in I want to get a new job and I live at my parents house still and I want to move out..etc

What would help me make changes happen? Alpha 6.0 or BASE 2.0

It feels like I have so many thing that hold me back, fears and my confidence is at the lowest man, just applying to jobs and thinking of going to interviews seem extreme to me! ...

I need that power back, that don't give a shit, I gotta do what I gotta do, pushing through because I have to do it, to get to where I want..etc

It is crazy how emotions, feelings control everything. releasing all my negative feelings with pstec etc so I am at that neutral place, it only get rid of my negative emotions but I am still not getting to where I want.

HECK... I might even just start Alpha 5.0 because I already have that.

I just can't get out of comfort zone... I can't make myself, I can not force myself. This is soooo fucking weird man.

I can go along along like this forever but this kind of life is not what I want.

[SuperCoolDude]

At least when I was using the Refresher I felt I was getting my power back and I felt like I got to makes changes, I got to do something! Even if I was seeing lots of BS all around me.

I might do refresher for a month, to give me a kick up my ass to get a new job, and then I can move onto Alpha 6.0.

I need that raw power, to make me makes some changes, to push through!

[SuperCoolDude]

If you are running Alpha and you're getting upset, its because you're not there yet. Getting upset is a result of a conflict between what you are and what the program is trying to get you to achieve. The upset is a good motivator to make a change. But if you resist the change hard enough, sure, you can stay put and the result will be a lot of upset, without much gain.

So I would say you realistically have two options to consider if you want that to change. First, you can consider running a sub that will help overcome the resistance itself, such as EPRHA or LTU, and second, you can run AM6, which is miles ahead of AM5 for power and what it can do. I think in your case, EHPRA or LTU would be a better choice for a while, and then you can assess your situation and decide what you would like to do.

I understand more fully this post from Shannon at this beginning of this journal.

''The upset is a good motivator to make a change''

This is what I feel I am lacking, that which came when I was doing the refresher. I understand it all sooo much better now.

I know it sounds crazy and it contradicts what I said I wanted in my first post, but I now actually want the feeling the Refresher gave me.

I now understand that I should embrace my EGO, because that will allow me to get to where I want to go. As I have been doing the opposite, and everything I thought represented my EGO, I did not want anything to do with it, so I refused to be apart of all that.

I feel there is a paradox here, somewhere.

[SuperCoolDude]

7 days into AM5 refresh, feeling much better.

I got a job interview Saturday, nothing special but it is a step in the right direction.

Recovering from the flu, but I'm good.

It is so interesting how my dreams, daily thoughts and perceptions of my reality and people change with me switching sub. I wouldn't be able to even put it into words, it is just so so so obvious to me.

Just a whole other mixture of vibes going on.

Especially during my dreams, so obvious that it is relating, working with the AM5 script.

I definitely feel something, I'm not gonna put words to it yet but I knew this was the right call, I feel good about this decision switching to AM5 refresh.

[SuperCoolDude]

Day 14 into the refresher.

I have this overall feeling that I can't pin point to any particular label or feeling, I will try and describe it.

My eyes are acting as if they are tired, or can't be bothered to open fully, which is linked in with an overall back bone that is intruding into my heart area.

People are being more nice to me and I am wondering why, I am thinking more and more often what are these people up to, why are they being so nice to me.... are they all seemingly separate but all together secretly plotting something against me? What don't I know?

I feel I have a sense of direction I am going towards now, which I have,

I have this sense of standards, snobbery, I am valuable, high status but in a positive, keep to my self, humble, I don't need to prove or justify to anyone, Imma gonna just do what I want to do, on my own, kind of way.

[SuperCoolDude]

Day 16

Yesterday, I was at work and I was speaking to someone a lot and by the end of the day I felt very drained, negative and vulnerable.

What annoyed me was that I was speaking too much about my self, I was too open, honest and told things about my life and goals that made me feel at the end of the day very bad, vulnerable and exposed.

This was so out of the blue for me because I like keeping things to myself, especially about my own personal life, it just feels sooo much better and I feel it gives me power over my own personal life. I just don't like people knowing my personal life, the only person I trust and I am 100% honest with is my wife and I feel comfortable speaking and telling her stuff, I wouldn't no one else.

So on this day I messed up. I was surprised at how much the negative emotions came because of all this.

That night I had to try and find relief in my emotions I did pstec and meditated, I then went and watched a movie.

As I went to bed it was still on my mind playing over and over with negative emotions attached still, so I did my best to guide my thoughts to pleasant things and to just let go into peaceful slumber that I was desiring.

Sleep it a blessing within it's self, I love sleep, it helps a lot.

Today I did still have it on my mind not as bad, but I did decide to do a few round more of pstec, which helped.

I now am at the place where I feel I made a mistake and I will just be more aware next time and not be completely open, I just feel better this way and it don't help telling anyone my personal business.

I don't know if I felt this way because I don't trust the person fully, or I just don't like feeling open, vulnerable, exposed. Or I don't like telling people, then failing at something then having to tell them I failed, (because they know about it) Or it is the extrovert stuff in AM5.

I feel disappointed in myself, I have these emotions that I don't understand and all I know it is because I spoke too much about myself, my beliefs, goals, personal stuff.

At least I have learnt something from it. Thank god for pstec though, it help a lot with my silly negative emotions, that where crippling me.

For some reason, keeping things solely to myself for example my goals and dreams... give me power. I have learnt my lesson.

[SuperCoolDude]

Day 21

AM5 is definitely pushing me, I feel it, especially today. I had to do pstec, it was pretty bad. After a few rounds I felt better and I still had that pushing feeling but it did not have much negativity attached to it.

I could then just calmly and smoothly talk to myself about what I what and what I can do to get it. Even if it is settling for less, or taking a few steps back, if it allows me to go in the direction I want, with the limited choices I have at this moment, then I got to do what I got to do.

[SuperCoolDude]

Tornado building stronger and stronger inside, me holding on tightly to keep it within myself and not makes things worse whilst I have to around these people, for long periods of time.

I know if I can just hold on and take action then I can make my situation better, then I need no words to say, I can choose and make my life how I want it to be, I have to do this now and very quickly indeed, for this tornado inside is only going o get bigger and bigger and more powerful and I wont be able to contain it no more.

Thoughts wonder though my mind of all the times I feel I have been manipulated through parents and relationships, as before and as present, furious'ness building inside, me keep my mouth shut and being alone is my best bet, as words do nothing, for only I can change my situation, for only I can do something about this, it is no ones fault, it is only mine for letting my life be like that in the past and me letting my life be as it is now.

Thoughts wonder through mind of being disrespected and I think how can they talk like this to me? Who are they to judge me? I don't want to be around these people, I rather be on my own then be around people that I don't like being around. I enjoy myself, myself is the only person I can really trust in life.

I am fed up with the same old same old, I have never felt this fed up about it for a very long time. I want change soooo badly, I feel it in side me, it is soooo impatient and it whats change right NOW!!!!!!

[SuperCoolDude]

Today was a good day, I felt I am making progress in my mindset and emotions and moving in the direction I want to go in. I am appreciating AM5, I am continuing getting signs within myself that I am changing AND how people are reacting to me and comments from other people, which are soooo coincidental that it is like being smacked in the face with the AM5 script.

My rough days are very rough, but I am learning a lot from them and it is part of the journey to a much better me.

[SuperCoolDude]

Having no attachments is high on my feelings lately, I just keep feeling I want to be free. I don't mind just being an alone wolf for a while and started new, and if people I like come along and I enjoy their company then yeah I would come out of my alone wolf'ness and be around people I like to be around.

It is surprising how AM5 makes me annoyed, frustrated and pissed off and many different things, things within things, within things, it gets into my core of how I see things and see the stupidity in them.

I am very aware of it though and I don't express it willy nilly, unless It REALLY gets to me and I might express my anger or views.

I would feel very stupid going around expressing my views on the BS around me, when I have to live under the same roof as everyone, that would be funny indeed, but I learnt a lot from doing Alphas years ago and how that did not help my situation.

Feelings are very powerful, they change perceptions of every single thing (basically creating my reality)

I am a very paradoxical person, to my self. I can go along my daily life and think and feel one thing about something and then later on have different perceptions of it and then think and feel something different about it.

It is annoying because once upon a time, I used to know who I was. Now I don't know, I can be anyone I want and I can keep changing my thoughts, feelings and perceptions of everything. There is no solid base of 'Oh I am this' because it can and does change all the time.

Even our own sexual desires are tricking us, it is only to spread our seed. Look how it has taken over so many people and let having sex an actual goal. Our own bodies are actually tricking us, just so we spread our seed.

I am aware of it and I have been aware for a long time now. It basically makes me think what is important in my life, because sex is not. You only have to compare how your thoughts, feelings and perceptions are before sex and after you have squirted your load. They are completely different, it actually changes your thoughts and perceptions and feelings, so you go and spread your seed.

How is that for mind control? It is an animal feature. I am aware of that and I would never, ever let that dictate where I focus my life, ever. It's completely BS and I am not falling for that.