The Self Actualized - OF V3 5.75G

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

Sorry to hear that man. Hope you can let yourself talk about stuff like that sometime, often friends are more supportive than what one image in your head.

The things you mention seems very much like you have a defined way of how things "should" be in your head, and you're making yourself feel bad for not being on par with your expectations. I've been there as well, and can tell you that those things are worth horseshit if you can't feel good about yourself right here and now. The idea of doing stuff just to achieve some kind of expectation on yourself/life will always let you down if not backed up by a stable sense of that things are totally fine as they are right now. 

So when you get dragged into those thoughts, switch your focus to the present moment and let yourself know that things are good as they are, and you are doing what you can to make your situation better, and that is well enough and that whatever you are feeling is totally valid, whatever the feeling is. And that you are allowed to express that feeling to others, and if those "friends" mock you for expressing the feeling you are better of without them.

Thanks for your post. I agree with what you have said but trying to stay in the present is extremely tough for me sometimes. When I am filled with rage, anxiety or sadness, the last thing I want to do is turn inwards, introspect or feel into the emotions. Lately, the voice in my head has been louder than ever and I wish I could shut that thing up. It never stops talking down on me. There is always something "wrong" about me or the present through the lens of my mind. How do I love myself? How can I embrace what is without trying to change or manipulate it?

The best way to release negative emotions is to feel them fully without resisting, this is what I learned from the Sedona method and it's worked very well for me, I get over things much faster, and if I have anxiety it helps release it. Yawning is a sign that it's working,basically focus your awareness in your body and chest and mid section area, specifically focus on where you feel the pain or discomfort, then without judgement or resistance, accept the feeling and try and intensify it. You should feel a release and likely yawn if you do it right.

I have heard about The Sedona Method. Ill give it a try. Thank you.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 43 - REST

I skipped a day of journalling and had another REST day. Yesterday I just didn't feel like doing anything. I binged on a bunch of porn well into the night. I tried to enjoy whatever was happening, just letting myself loose without controlling a damn thing. The feeling of guilt and shame did not bother me as much. I danced to some music, cried a bit and I got a decent amount of work done.

Just for the record I am not suicidal. I love life and it's magical. There are so many things I want to learn and do.

I took a cold shower this morning after a HIIT session and felt fucking amazing. I was sleep deprived but still energised enough to tackle the day. While in the sauna today I had a business idea pop into my mind. I sensed that I was quite impatient with people and had a bit of a cocky and careless attitude. Some positive thoughts here and there with what ifs.

I'm curious about running hybrid for 1 loop just to experiment. However, this will have to wait for a bit.

[Johannesbrst]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

Sorry to hear that man. Hope you can let yourself talk about stuff like that sometime, often friends are more supportive than what one image in your head.

The things you mention seems very much like you have a defined way of how things "should" be in your head, and you're making yourself feel bad for not being on par with your expectations. I've been there as well, and can tell you that those things are worth horseshit if you can't feel good about yourself right here and now. The idea of doing stuff just to achieve some kind of expectation on yourself/life will always let you down if not backed up by a stable sense of that things are totally fine as they are right now. 

So when you get dragged into those thoughts, switch your focus to the present moment and let yourself know that things are good as they are, and you are doing what you can to make your situation better, and that is well enough and that whatever you are feeling is totally valid, whatever the feeling is. And that you are allowed to express that feeling to others, and if those "friends" mock you for expressing the feeling you are better of without them.

Thanks for your post. I agree with what you have said but trying to stay in the present is extremely tough for me sometimes. When I am filled with rage, anxiety or sadness, the last thing I want to do is turn inwards, introspect or feel into the emotions. Lately, the voice in my head has been louder than ever and I wish I could shut that thing up. It never stops talking down on me. There is always something "wrong" about me or the present through the lens of my mind. How do I love myself? How can I embrace what is without trying to change or manipulate it?

What has worked for me is to learn to focus on your breath. It's always there and it's just there, when you can connect to it you can learn how to just be and not get sucked into your thoughts about needing to do anything. So meditation is good, also learning to recognize how your body feels. Also going for walks have helped me tremendously.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 45 - REST

I took yet another day off. So I basically missed out on 4 loops in total according to the official usage patterns for the sub. Perhaps it's a resistance tactic of the mind. I don't know. I feel like I don't care. I just want to indulge in hedonistic pleasures and forget about self improvement, at least for now. This is interesting....

[SaltyMeatballs]

Should I push myself or should I let loose. "Push" myself towards what? And why? Is this basically a state of apathy?

[SaltyMeatballs]

And this sudden shift from trying to controll everything, beating myself up for not living up to expectations and now... A feeling of not giving a fuck at all. This is like a TV performance show whereby each act is unique and intriguing in their own way, except this show is my own mind. Just sit back and enjoy the profound diversity of emotions.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 46 - 3 loops

During the night I had an interesting dream but it wasn't vivid enough for me to recall the exact details. Today, I had a lot of fun travelling around, doing some sightseeing and meeting some interesting people.

I'm seriously planning to work on my pickup and dating skills as those are rusty as fuck. The fire I had towards fulfilling and working on this need 2 years ago has now re-ignited. There is a sense of urgency to do this because I have neglected this area nearly all my life. COVID has been a big roadblock but now it's fair to say that this is no longer a valid excuse.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 47 - 3 loops

I am still rather apathetic, letting my mind loose and just being lazy in general. I'm trying to push myself her and there but it all feels like a drag. Indecisive about most things.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Now Playing 4 loops, silent 75%~ volume, lying in bed and about to fall a sleep. A major fear I have identified is becoming old never having achieved anything significant.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 48/180 - 4 loops/silent/75%~ volume

I went above and beyond the recommended usage by doubling the amount of loops to 4 and increasing the volume.

Today went rather well as far as my productivity and mental well being goes. I still have remnants of apathy but it's subsiding. I have a business I am working on and I feel an urge to finish it ASAP. My motivation seems to be back.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 49/180 - OFF 1/3

Not much to say apart from the fact that I am doing well and things are as they should be. Right now, I am more willing to just let go and to flow. I want to surrender my limiting beliefs and look at life through a new lense. I want to dance to music and just enjoy being me.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 50/180 - OFF 2/3

I have noticed that my discipline has declined tremendously. I find it difficult to keep doing the good things. Even taking a shower feels difficult.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 51/180 - OFF 3/3

I am experiencing a wide variety of thoughts and feelings, mostly negative. Right now, I don't have much focus or drive. The solution I think is to immerse myself into the unknown, try and experiment with as many things as possible, get a life coach and invest into myself.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 52/180 - REST

I missed a day of listening. My mind is rather disorganised and forgetful right now. I don't have a clear focus, nor do I have any clear defined goals. I'm drifting and being swept away into whatever direction my old and habitual path of least resistance takes me. It's interesting to observe this process without judgement or guilt (at least not as much).

Despite the above, a glimmer of hope pervades and an invitation for inner transformation does exist, should I choose to take it. I realise that every thought and emotion is just a fiction created by my own mind. Yet, I somehow mistake the illusion for reality, that's until, I look deeper and notice that these thoughts and feelings are groundless. Especially the negative ones... They have no inherent meaning nor the power to take control of me unless I allow it. I have a choice to define my own reality.