The Self Actualized - OF V3 5.75G

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 30/180 - 3 loops

I am struggling with motivation and defining a concrete vision for my life. Perhaps, a vision board would help me. I have a vague idea of where I want my life to be but I don't know what steps I need to take to get there. Logic and reason is not enough for me to get out of bed. I need to FEEL inspired and emotionally ENGAGED.

I have same issues with motivation after switching to OFv3. As time goes by, the path will be clear and i gain some motivational without attaching it with fear or other negative emotions to make me move.

I'm glad to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel in that regard. Motivation is a slippery thing. One moment you have it, the next you don't. I think discipline is key. You do what you need to do, despite how you feel about it. As long as the thing you are doing has a purpose and meaning. At this point, I dont actually know what I should be doing, nor do I know what value I can bring to this world. But at least having the MOTIVATION to find it always helps.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 33 - REST 3/3

Had a dream that I was in the examination hall at my secondary school and there was my good friend who was trying to test me to see if I qualified for the basketball team. The official examiner was confused because my friend was now leading the examination. I remember feeling afraid and overwhelmed by the whole situation. I wanted to escape but couldn't.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 34 - 3 loops

I'm struggling to let go. The inner critic inside my head is so pervasive. How do I make it shut up? I know it's not me. When I question the assumptions my mind conjurers up, I can undermine them with some introspection. I want to befriend and integrate this shadow. Afterall, it's not going away anytime soon, not until I'm dead.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 35 - 4 loops

I felt like increasing the number of loops to 4. I haven't noticed any difference so far in my dreams but when I got up and went outside this morning, I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Again, this may be due to meditation and many other factors. Lets see how this day progresses.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 35 - REST

I forgot that today was my day "on" so I decided to rest. Yesterday after running 3 loops (1 loop extra than usual) my mind was rather agitated and I felt rather depressed for the rest of the day. It think I will stick to 2 loops for coz this shit is powerful.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 36 - 2 Loops

I have noticed that the inner critic is now louder than usual. I often catch myself spiraling down into perpetual thoughts of negativity. As soon as I shine my awareness onto the matter - for a brief moment the thoughts lose their significance.

I feel like I am stuck in a habitual thought pattern that has been with me for as long as I can remember. I want to break out of it but trying will only make it worse. It's fair to say that I have been increasingly neurotic in my behavior and perception of reality since I began running this sub. I am projecting this current state onto the future assuming that it will always be this way. I recognise that this is an illusion and this gives me some level of hope.

I realise that I need to question my assumptions deeply. If I do, the self-imposed limitations will be undermined.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 37 - REST

A rather peculiar smog of depression and fear has washed over me. I dont remember the last time I have been this afraid of facing life. I just feel like curling up into fetal position with a thumb in my mouth. How do I let go and embrace this? Am I on the verge of something great here?

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 38 - REST

I had a few nightmares which involved being chased by a murderer in my home. I managed to kill it before it killed me. In the second dream, it appeared again, it had a mask on similar to ghost face in Scream the movie. I caught a glimpse of it as I walked upstairs, it's face poking out of the doorway and hastily dissappearing. The dream ended there.

I realized that my state of mind has declined lately due to food poisoning. I don't think I ever experienced this before. I ended up oversleeping on multiple days, my productivity declined and the day's felt rather gloomy. At Least now I understand why I have been feeling so shit.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 39 - 2 Loops

Not a bad day... I outsourced my work to a freelancer giving me the time and freedom to do what I want today and tomorrow.

I don't feel like I have fully recovered from the food poisoning. My digestive system seems rather rusty and inefficient at digesting simple food. My appetite is low and I don't have much energy in general.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 40 - 2 loops

I am still very fatigued and unmotivated to do simple things. I woke up multiple times last night and felt sick.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

[Johannesbrst]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

Sorry to hear that man. Hope you can let yourself talk about stuff like that sometime, often friends are more supportive than what one image in your head.

The things you mention seems very much like you have a defined way of how things "should" be in your head, and you're making yourself feel bad for not being on par with your expectations. I've been there as well, and can tell you that those things are worth horseshit if you can't feel good about yourself right here and now. The idea of doing stuff just to achieve some kind of expectation on yourself/life will always let you down if not backed up by a stable sense of that things are totally fine as they are right now. 

So when you get dragged into those thoughts, switch your focus to the present moment and let yourself know that things are good as they are, and you are doing what you can to make your situation better, and that is well enough and that whatever you are feeling is totally valid, whatever the feeling is. And that you are allowed to express that feeling to others, and if those "friends" mock you for expressing the feeling you are better of without them.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

Sorry to hear that man. Hope you can let yourself talk about stuff like that sometime, often friends are more supportive than what one image in your head.

The things you mention seems very much like you have a defined way of how things "should" be in your head, and you're making yourself feel bad for not being on par with your expectations. I've been there as well, and can tell you that those things are worth horseshit if you can't feel good about yourself right here and now. The idea of doing stuff just to achieve some kind of expectation on yourself/life will always let you down if not backed up by a stable sense of that things are totally fine as they are right now. 

So when you get dragged into those thoughts, switch your focus to the present moment and let yourself know that things are good as they are, and you are doing what you can to make your situation better, and that is well enough and that whatever you are feeling is totally valid, whatever the feeling is. And that you are allowed to express that feeling to others, and if those "friends" mock you for expressing the feeling you are better of without them.

Thanks for your post. I agree with what you have said but trying to stay in the present is extremely tough for me sometimes. When I am filled with rage, anxiety or sadness, the last thing I want to do is turn inwards, introspect or feel into the emotions. Lately, the voice in my head has been louder than ever and I wish I could shut that thing up. It never stops talking down on me. There is always something "wrong" about me or the present through the lens of my mind. How do I love myself? How can I embrace what is without trying to change or manipulate it?

[Raykon]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

Sorry to hear that man. Hope you can let yourself talk about stuff like that sometime, often friends are more supportive than what one image in your head.

The things you mention seems very much like you have a defined way of how things "should" be in your head, and you're making yourself feel bad for not being on par with your expectations. I've been there as well, and can tell you that those things are worth horseshit if you can't feel good about yourself right here and now. The idea of doing stuff just to achieve some kind of expectation on yourself/life will always let you down if not backed up by a stable sense of that things are totally fine as they are right now. 

So when you get dragged into those thoughts, switch your focus to the present moment and let yourself know that things are good as they are, and you are doing what you can to make your situation better, and that is well enough and that whatever you are feeling is totally valid, whatever the feeling is. And that you are allowed to express that feeling to others, and if those "friends" mock you for expressing the feeling you are better of without them.

Thanks for your post. I agree with what you have said but trying to stay in the present is extremely tough for me sometimes. When I am filled with rage, anxiety or sadness, the last thing I want to do is turn inwards, introspect or feel into the emotions. Lately, the voice in my head has been louder than ever and I wish I could shut that thing up. It never stops talking down on me. There is always something "wrong" about me or the present through the lens of my mind. How do I love myself? How can I embrace what is without trying to change or manipulate it?

The best way to release negative emotions is to feel them fully without resisting, this is what I learned from the Sedona method and it's worked very well for me, I get over things much faster, and if I have anxiety it helps release it. Yawning is a sign that it's working,basically focus your awareness in your body and chest and mid section area, specifically focus on where you feel the pain or discomfort, then without judgement or resistance, accept the feeling and try and intensify it. You should feel a release and likely yawn if you do it right.