Findingme: Overcoming Fear 5.75

[findingme]

I began OF 5.75 on Monday (6/29), listening during sleep, and it's Wednesday now. I've been scared to write, knowing fear has had me hang onto issues and perceptions of who I am.

I was scared about writing since in times past, when afraid, I'd sugarcoat, sidestep, or over-dramatize my situation. Old fears would surface, and I'd return to old beliefs. The cycle has been repetitive, and with further sub use over time, I've realized I'm BSing myself.

Fear has held a very major role in my life, thinking it is protecting me, and I'm moving towards really desiring to be free. I'd like to share what came up last week when I learned of OF's release (TID?).

--I've been very consistent with not completing subs here, and also with other vendors. I had to be honest with myself about LTU5.5. The new, exciting changes in my final month of LTU brought on lots of irrational fear. Major "what if?'s surfaced. I let go due to my fear--of success and all the unknowns.

--ditto with UMS. A very complete sub all by itself, like a superpowered E2 with financials as a focus. (But...what if...?)

--Something major I saw and have seen in the last year is my fear of being responsible if things went wrong (with anything, practically). Relationships, business ventures, anything of importance. I have seen clearly that I was always the little brother growing up, and my brothers shielded me from major pain, both physically and mentally. I still look for a "big brother" in my relationships, and it's based on a belief that "I couldn't do that myself". I rarely had to face my fears growing up, and I've used this continually. I realized a core belief behind that: I've not trusted myself to be able to handle life in general. It's led me to wait on other's generosity or efforts--or isolate completely. This robs my self-confidence big-time. It attracts the victim mentality too. Yuck.


Results so far:

Day 1: While clocking out from work yesterday, I wanted to get the attention of the attractive (but critical) secretary, but I held back. I noticed I felt uncomfortable since I looked for her to lead (me avoiding fear of failure). Within seconds, I felt the inclination to abandon that setup I was used to, and I left. Just left. I don't like thinking I'm powerless, and I'm aware of that more now. Me leaving quickly was quite a change .

Day 2: I'm home now, but I went in this morning (I felt sick, so I was advised to go home). I read where @4Kingdoms is having people magnetize to his office while playing OF, and this morning I felt good when the manager, a confident introvert, turned to me when answering a coworker's protest of something. The solution was simple, but knowing the worker didn't want it, he said "ask Findingme, he knows". It felt good. NOTE: when feeling vulnerable, I'd often feared this manager since he's very direct (a former Marine). I didn't feel fear when around him. I also understood that silence is much louder than unwanted explanations.

I'll keep posting updates. I'm actively looking for differences in my thinking and reactions.

[findingme]

Something I noticed yesterday, and this morning while waking up: my norm is off, but not in a bad way. Yesterday I arrived at work but chose not to hang around the timeclock like I could have done. I was feeling dizzy from some bug I've had, so I walked the grounds, thinking it'd pass. When I left by orders from the head boss, I realized I never even clocked in. How much fear have I held on to?

This morning, though I stayed home, I still notice that absence (and even dislike) of that fearful mindset. This sub is doing something very deep.

No headaches, no sleeplessness......and I'm feeling happy that fear is going away so smoothly.

One key thing I have noticed: I'm dreaming. As long as I've used subs, I've never had the dreams some share about. One significant dream I had maybe 10 years ago I remember, and one dream when I used OGSF 5G a few nights maybe 2 years back. I dreamed of my present head boss ordering me to do something, and I'm seeing now how I've repressed all of me to have him not reject me. Fear has held me back from being aware of this. But I had multiple dreams last night revealing fears I've held on to. I'm also starting to notice when I've been dreaming upon waking up, which is new for me.

Last thing (just came up): I've been afraid of being myself here in my journals, and that's the EXACT fear I've used with my boss. I read through this post, and an old fear and habit of correcting my wording came up, all aimed at me avoiding rejection. However, me trying to "understand and dissect" my thinking just ain't working. It seems contrary to the scripting (old motivations were all fear-based). Fears rise up and OF demolishes them without me doing a thing. This is GREAT.

I am running my hybrid loops presently. Things are definitely changing.

[findingme]

I'll add something which brings me pleasure.

Last night, I had remembrances of both LTU5 and UMS mindsets while I was on each. What clicked nicely was I realized the FRM in each I had barely noticed, but the joy and excitement on each was due to the FRM. Doing OF now, I see it. Previous fears have always been my noose, my holdup, my stopping point. And with LTU, many fears vanished. I became happier, more optimistic, and light in a dark environment.

With UMS, my brain was consistently on financial possibilities. I had hope and joy, even doing something I'd never done: I was imagining my father in his prime time, and his confidence alone is what he sold to others. Though I didn't know him during this time, my mom told me he didn't just sell insurance, he sold ideas which motivated people. People would spend time and money to meet him, and he did very, very well in his working years.

While on UMS, I began looking into ideas and possibilities without fear, and I'm seeing the difference now. This last year I've tried to return to that mentality and thinking, and I've simply not been able to. Old persistent fears have blanketed those memories since coming off of UMS, and my vision has been limited. But......

Last night I was very awake to financial possibilities in front of me. I got up from my bed and wrote an email to a businessman I've worked with for credit repair and funding, as I offered him a lucrative proposition. He may or may not consent, but I'd NOT have done this before OF.

I also looked up an advertising avenue for a business I'm in. I'm waiting on my traffic platform to open up (software updates), and I thought of this other avenue. Inexpensive hands-off advertising was my thinking, and I'm finding opportunities again.

The FRM has a lot more value than I gave it credit for. It actually feels good saying "I've been wrong"

[findingme]

OF is allowing something weird, or weird to me. Shannon's been vocal about the inner child resisting, and just now, I stopped and had to talk to the scared part of me. He just wanted to be heard. I've never had that happen while using a sub.

I'm home now, day 3, since our female manager said I needed to be tested for COVID and cleared before returning to work. I don't know why I resist her. I don't trust her stated aims most of the time. I think that's why I'm scared of her knowing my business.

To be more truthful, I'm used to identifying with women in a very passive way. As in "I'll let you be in charge". Something hurts as I write, as there's a sadness. I've lived like a kid waiting on Mom to instruct him (so I'd be responsible for her happiness). Which has been my motivation for being a yes-man around women. I'm trying to find peace with myself when I don't make women happy, but due to fear, I've been afraid of even trying.

Yep. No dates in the 6 years since my divorce. None at all. I get locked up imagining putting myself out there......and imagining it just now, I realized I've always put "me" aside and put on a mask so you'd like a false "me". That is so f***ed up. It's all I've ever done with women. I'm just writing, trying to name my fear this morning.

Yeah, I have to go get COVID tested this morning.....wow, that's different. I imagined myself sitting down as a young female tech did the test on me. What happened in my mind was I was holding the scared part of me, me being quiet, and I felt a resistance to putting on a false me. It felt like a strong "NO!"

Also, a familiar sadness emerged, one I've gotten on OGSF 5G, E2, UD, and any subs with OGSF in them (pre-FRM). That sadness said I was letting go of some fear, and part of me was sad it was leaving. I've only had it happen 2ce on OF so far, but it is digging into older fears, it seems. This has always been a good sign since once it's gone, I've not been so uptight and scared, obviously.

I'll probably come back and report my reactions from going out and being tested. Out for now.

[findingme]

I don't know why really, but I've been listening to old songs which are touching me. Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Josh Groban........just listening and crying in spurts. Some fears have obviously dropped, and I'm sensing this vacuum pulling me to heal old misunderstandings I've had. I feel it's attached to all relationships with women, because fear has ended most of them before they ever even started.

I'm tender right now.

Maybe...didn't really consider this...but my ex-wife called me since I texted her letting her know I'm on COVID quarantine for at least a week since it's likely how long it'll take to get my test results back. I've thought of her recently, moreso since she's dating a guy who she first described as having a very close temperament to me. I've thought of her since.....well, I'm realizing while fear held me back from loving her, I also blocked her repeatedly from loving me. I think of some key times I shot down her advances.

I hung on our call longer than normal, enjoying hearing her laugh at my stupid jokes. It was nice. I'm feeling some of that loss now though, which I've never really felt in the last 9 years or so (we were separated 3 years pre-divorce).

I've connected with that feeling too since I've spoken on the phone with half a dozen female insurance or medical specialists in the last 24 hours. I realize I hung on with them too when possible, finding out how I relate to women in general. I had some laughing, some lingering. It was sweet. Even the cashier I had to buy bananas from at Publix this afternoon seemed to linger too. Unexpected.

But I'm finding out all my emotional "NO!'s" to my ex in times past hurt me too. I'm sorry I did that--to her, and also to myself. I denied someone loving me. I am a real mush right now. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm doing some healing now, and am glad I'm allowing it. This is really meaningful--to me.

[findingme]

Gotta share this.

I do the same thing with guys. As I got up after writing that post, I thought of my brother, the one I've said "it's HIS FAULT, HIS FAULT, HIS FAULT!!"

I've kept him away. I've done that. I'm responsible for that. I've not had boundaries, but.... again, this was MY doing.

I've not apologized to any of my family members in eons. I've hurt them, distancing myself constantly. My sister learned she has throat cancer almost 2 months back. I've not contacted her.

I'm just beginning to see these relational separations. I found some tolerance in doing that for a long time. I'm unsure how I'll change it. Shit, I'm home for at least a week. I have a phone.

[tolgaocal80]

heyy, I become sad when reading that posts. I know it is very harrowing when you know what have you done your familiars out of anger ,fear and than when this anger or fear had passed, you feeling a regret.
I am trying to be nice and calm towards them now but I am not blaming myself, things happened, that was their fault either mine. Everytime I notice, my anger is going away.
I wanted to share this

[findingme]

Thank you for sharing that @tolgaocal80. I felt kind of fearful yesterday and spat it out, with poor ulterior motives which I'm seeing now. It was me feeling helpless and beckoning someone else to come in and rescue me, an old maneuver I used with brother-like figures. It was manipulation, and I'm sorry.

I'm thinking of LTU5 now, as its clearest aim was that we "do the right thing". Coupled with Overcome the Victim Mentality, it would get my mind straight quickly before resorting to deceitful ways.

I apologize for doing this. Thank you for telling me.

[findingme]

I've withdrawn some since I'm easily sliding into old ways of hiding the truth from myself when scared. I've felt some old fears inching forward, and I've resorted to old (or easy) ways of coping with them. Denial and isolation are big ones.

I'm wondering how I can handle feeling the fear and not sliding into old ways. That's more in-depth than the sub's focus, but I'm wishing to find a solution presently.

I'm on day 1 of rest on my first cycle.

[findingme]

I got out this morning and took a walk. I've read how many successful people discipline themselves like that on a daily basis, and since I'd not been outside in like 3 days, I walked my neighborhood for close to an hour.

Something hit me during this time. Not painful or stressful, no, not that. It was the opposite. I noticed I was really attentive to nature around me. I first got fascinated by a single red robin, maybe 4 inches long. He sat on top of a light pole, chirping regularly. Though I stopped and watched, he never moved. I watched maybe 30 seconds. After that, I felt fascinated by......trees. These things were beautiful. I've never been so engrossed by them. Most were older and larger (an older neighborhood) but even the younger smaller trees fascinated me, them being so full of life.

Near the end of my walk, I walked close to the main roadway, noisier and busier since people were getting to work. I wondered if I'd lose that connection and fascination with nature. However, I actually didn't fall into the busy mindset on the street. While noise and activity were near me, I found myself LOOKING for nature in action. I spotted a lone bird flying over the busyness on his way somewhere, and I kept my eyes on him. I did it again. I barely felt detached from the normal activities of nature.

It was a beautiful morning. I had spotted a full moon setting in the west early on, I wanted to begin my day, so I finally headed home. OF had me centered this morning. This is my 2nd rest day.

[findingme]

I gotta say I'm feeling impatient. 3 days off such a powerful sub, and it's been only 2 days so far. Oh well, I'll start my day tomorrow seeing what it's digging at. I've felt a sadness and longing today, as I've been habitually craving something I really don't need. It comes from my childhood, but similar to other's sharings, it's not even explainable presently. I think I'm just being pulled from old emotional hangouts/hideouts. I sense it's good, though I'm not through it yet.

After writing that, I think that's why I'm sad--I've leaned on these hideouts for SO very long. I've depended on them like my life depended on them being there. I'm being steadily pulled from them, and my inner child is scared. He feels scared, sad, uncertain.

Thought I was supposed to be growing UP (that's sarcasm, obviously).

And I just remembered something I bought on my honeymoon 17 years ago, and I still have it. It was a quote by Picasso.

"It takes a very long time to become young"

And I've fought this. Why?

One word: fear. Fear has been familiar, yet despised. Hidden in, yet ashamed of. A hideout, but with chains attaching themselves to me. This is how I've lived. I would never advocate such a lifestyle to anyone who I wanted to be free. And this....this is how I've lived.

I'm writing this for me, as I am the one I hide from. Living like this......has been NORMAL. I don't know what the future holds. All I have is now. And I'm scared, sad, both. But I'm ready to walk through this. The time is now. I can live in now.

To my little boy: I am with you. We will face this together, side by side, one moment at a time. I will protect you.