Findingme's UMS journal

[Shannon]

Wow, Zane, what a limiting belief in that first sentence! Why does change have to be difficult? It's only difficult because YOU don't go with the flow and let it happen. Of course it's going to be difficult if you fight it. Change is inevitable. But you can accept the change and let it flow. Voila, easy as water flowing downhill.

You shouldn't be preaching negative limiting beliefs and you shouldn't be "adapting to" your limits. You should be identifying your self imposed limits and dissolving them.

Change is as easy as you let it be. Accept what is.

[findingme]

I turned on UMS on my phone driving home. Something I'd like to share turned up 10 minutes later, an emotional reaction in me.

I'd been out all day, and upon returning to our work yard, I quickly punched out. But I heard our head boss laughing loudly and freely amongst the other managers, and I have mixed feelings presently. While driving home, I had one of those imagined conversations with the boss in my head. I am going through some changes in my trust levels, and I've been emotionally attracted to him since........I view him as a child of an abusive background. He's in his 70's now, but he's rough, pushy, and I've picked up he's a real softie inside. I am looking for a father figure, when I think on it. Tears came when I wrote that.

In this imagined conversation, my eyes were down, and it was like I was trying to keep some front of being a man, though I perceived myself as younger. I felt fear, but I tried to push it down. I complimented him, and I told him I didn't know he could laugh.

Doesn't that sound all fucked up? I realized in this imagined conversation I was sabotaging my success and repelling him. AND.........my throat clenched up just imagining it. This is what spoke to me. All through my teens I was very quiet. I spoke freely to very few people. When I got into college, I resumed playing my french horn, as I played on scholarship. But one thing I faced often was my throat clenching while playing. From fear. I thought "why?" The same fear: people might get to know me. Me playing substandard would keep them away, as a clenched throat definitely affects the sound. A player with a closed throat sounds.....unconfident and scared. I just didn't like myself, and it was my biggest truth (this makes sense as I write; haven't thought about it in years)

Why did my throat close while imagining talking to my boss? I fear success with him since I imagine I'll be vulnerable then. Me saying what I did was repelling and insulting him---but a clear part of me also wanted to be available, be safe, and be considerate around him. I've said stupid shit to people who scared me in similar ways, my ex-MIL mostly. I wanted to impress her, though a part of me regularly chose to push her away.

I'm going to leave this here. I wrote this when I walked in.

[Infinite]

I've noticed that the thoughts I have while on this sub are not only really vivid, but they have been coming true lately. Careful what you think about while you're on UMS I remember on one of the times that I went to Disney, how strong the "wish upon a star" theme was on my mind. lol If I only had known about this sub back then.

[Zane]

Wow, Zane, what a limiting belief in that first sentence!  Why does change have to be difficult?  It's only difficult because YOU don't go with the flow and let it happen.  Of course it's going to be difficult if you fight it.  Change is inevitable.  But you can accept the change and let it flow.  Voila, easy as water flowing downhill.

You shouldn't be preaching negative limiting beliefs and you shouldn't be "adapting to" your limits.  You should be identifying your self imposed limits and dissolving them.

Change is as easy as you let it be.  Accept what is.

That's what I was trying to say bro, I guess I didn't choose the words  properly and wasn't able to express myself clearly.. 

What you said is 1000%. True. 

Actually I am having difficulty expressing my thoughts these days/week.. Idk why is that..

[findingme]

Infinite, I took your words "be careful" too literally this morning. My old interpretation was that fear might protect me, and I allowed it kind of like me seeking to know "let's see how this works now."

I arrived at work, feeling some old habitual fear--but it wasn't latched onto my heart like it used to be. I saw some coworkers in the dark (5:45ish), and I was trying to figure out my feelings. I've often resorted to a compliant little boy mindset, which is all fear-based. I even tried to feel it, but it doesn't happen so easily now.

When I stepped out of my van, something switched in my head and heart. I WANTED to face my fears. I wanted to wrestle down fears and tell them "NO MORE!!!" Courage came from somewhere, and my day began. This has never happened before, but it was such a rush! It felt like my courage would make any fear look absolutely pointless. I've practiced it all day. Courage is alive!

I worked with Mr. Grumpy today doing an extra route, but I kept quiet around him. He just hands away anger, so I chose to mind my own business, and talking was very minimal. Maybe 30 sentences all day between us (9 hours). I toyed with handing some of his quick, angry responses back, but ..... I didn't wish to join in his misery. I was ok in my own head.

Money-wise, I've been hands on all day communicating with my main miner. I've needed a private key to release my funds, and I felt like I was working with a money shark. I stood my ground, considered possibilities, and faced her all day. I'm playing a real-life money game, I've hung in there, and I offered a deal with her to receive my key 30 minutes ago. I'm awaiting a response now.

UMS, what are you made of?

[findingme]

So, I didn't take my miner's offer. First off, she never replied to my offer, and secondly, it just doesn't sit well with me at all. Bitcoin's jumping within the last 12 hours, and I've been a bit concerned. All or nothing thinking, tbh.

I had desired to pull it out of the exchange while prices were lower, knowing capital gains taxes would be much higher when btc jumps higher. It's been around 8k per coin the last 2 weeks, and models have shown it'll shoot much, much higher as our economy heads south. Still seeking avenues for acquiring a private key to withdraw it.

My goals once I acquire it is to put much of it into a whole life insurance policies. I can borrow it tax free any time for any reason, it won't be affected by our stock market fiasco, and it can pay me for life. There are also 2 businesses I want to jump into, but one is more attractive and stabler long-term. But financial stability and security are my desired outcomes.

I did pick up ARA 5.75 this morning to ease my unrest and worry. It's worked nicely, and I'm grateful I picked it up. I'm doing a mini-vacation day today. I have the first ARA, but picked this up since 5.75 seems to walk through resistance with ease, plus it has a lot of other goodies. It's working well.

[findingme]

I'm feeling some fear on posting this, but it's old imagined fears. I'll say fuck it and go ahead anyway.

I've been keeping my eye on financial newsletters and a info-holdings, for lack of a better term. Picked up one last night after waiting 2 weeks. But another, dang. I'm facing something in myself which I've not identified. Fear? Lack of passion in it? Tiredness? (I'm running ARA now).

It's a passive real estate investment opportunity, where one purchases some of the property value, in exchange for proportionate returns from rentals. No imput on my part besides that, and I'd be able to take taxes off my returns.

When I named fear as being a reason, my feelings shut down for a minute, but while writing the paragraph above, fear began making noise, similar to an angry and pitiful "SAVE ME!" appeal.

Seems like fear has always masqueraded as my "parent". Like I'm threatening his (or her, like my Mom's) existence. This was always my norm before: make sure Mom's comfy. Embarrassing to share, but yep, it's my training and experience.

I am grateful UMS/E3 is pushing this up. It's not comfortable, but I have the choice of bowing down to old norms, or..........brushing them off and stepping up. I got a text story from a friend this morning, and I'm considering......it may be for me too. I handed it to someone else this morning, but I'm going to think on it more.

Shake It Off and Step Up

A farmer owned an old mule that fell into a well. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the old well were worth the trouble of saving. He called his neighbors together and told them what had happened and enlisted their services to haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Every time a shovel of dirt landed on his back, the mule would shake it off and step up! This he did, shovel load after shovel load. “Shake it off and step up, shake it off and step up. Shake it off and step up!” No matter how painful the shovel loads, or distressing the situation seemed, the old mule just kept right on shaking it off and stepping up! It wasn’t long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the edge of the well!!

[findingme]

I found the passive real estate offer with the one financial info package I'd purchased, and it's long term growth. However, the tradeoff is whether one puts in $500 or $500,000 the money is locked up for 5 years. No payout for 5 years. Decent annual returns, but it's all portfolio accumulation. Not my present focus, so I'll remember this for later.

Cash flow is why businesses stay in business, and this is definitely not a cash-flow investment.

[Paul1131]

I'm feeling some fear on posting this, but it's old imagined fears.  I'll say*****it and go ahead anyway.

I've been keeping my eye on financial newsletters and a info-holdings, for lack of a better term.  Picked up one last night after waiting 2 weeks.  But another, dang.  I'm facing something in myself which I've not identified.  Fear?  Lack of passion in it?  Tiredness?  (I'm running ARA now).

It's a passive real estate investment opportunity, where one purchases some of the property value, in exchange for proportionate returns from rentals.  No imput on my part besides that, and I'd be able to take taxes off my returns.  

When I named fear as being a reason, my feelings shut down for a minute, but while writing the paragraph above, fear began making noise, similar to an angry and pitiful "SAVE ME!" appeal.  

Seems like fear has always masqueraded as my "parent".  Like I'm threatening his (or her, like my Mom's) existence.  This was always my norm before: make sure Mom's comfy.  Embarrassing to share, but yep, it's my training and experience.  

I am grateful UMS/E3 is pushing this up.  It's not comfortable, but I have the choice of bowing down to old norms, or..........brushing them off and stepping up.  I got a text story from a friend this morning, and I'm considering......it may be for me too.  I handed it to someone else this morning, but I'm going to think on it more.  

Shake It Off and Step Up

A farmer owned an old mule that fell into a well. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the old well were worth the trouble of saving. He called his neighbors together and told them what had happened and enlisted their services to haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Every time a shovel of dirt landed on his back, the mule would shake it off and step up! This he did, shovel load after shovel load. “Shake it off and step up, shake it off and step up. Shake it off and step up!” No matter how painful the shovel loads, or distressing the situation seemed, the old mule just kept right on shaking it off and stepping up! It wasn’t long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the edge of the well!!

Good for you man.  That SAVE ME reaction is a really good sign of progress no matter how uncomfortable it can be.  It means that the fear is losing ground.  I found that usually happened just before something changed for the better.

[findingme]

Thank you Paul. That was encouraging .

[findingme]

I just read Paul's latest post, responded, and am sitting here crying on and off. His words were put out there, unedited, and......I can relate. And last night, I had a very revealing dream, though I was waking up near the end. I toyed with truths in it. I tried to not be honest with myself. Here goes.

I was driving a garbage truck in some isolated woods, but my daughter (who's 15) was on the back, like she was my helper. IRL, I work in this industry, so it wasn't weird. What happened was we stopped, but she'd disappeared. I acted quickly, becoming terrified she'd either gone into the hopper (where all the garbage is crushed), but no reply. I couldn't see or hear her, and I tried quickly to be angry at her, thinking she was playing with me. She showed up, smiling initially, but grew shameful since this REALLY REALLY affected me. It happened so quick, and slowly I began to feel what was underneath. I've put so much of my value on her. If she were to have accidentally died, I would feel like I lost part of me.

This is where my feelings came up, me wondering why I was affected. In my mind, I've shielded her from many realities in life, to where I feel inadequate as a normal dad. Instead of looking at hard, uncomfortable things and talking about them, I've been unwilling to do so. IRL, that's why she's tight with her mother. She's the opposite of me.

But.........something hurts, both in that dream, and now. I realized I am the very person I don't talk to. I hide life's truths from myself constantly. Most of it scares me. I fear something......and even now, it feels like I hold onto this fear for dear life. I use fear to shield me from seeing, knowing, or feeling real life. (People often push me away when I feel vulnerable since I feel so afraid, so I hide it from myself)

This feels stupid to write, but that's my truth. I go to work, come home, shower, eat, go to bed. Right now, there's nothing else. This ritual has been my life for years. Some shades of socializing, but they're with people just like me--fearful people and/or bullshitters of themselves.

This is my life. I've tried to hide it from myself so I won't be rejected--or even feel the fears of being rejected. Feelings of unworthiness I remember even in my teens, which is why I didn't get close to people in high school. I could blame my mom, I have, but I am the person sitting with the pain. Not loving myself alone was always easier than not loving myself around people, because people see it quickly.

Edit: I stopped to re-read my post. This old norm is pushing me away from my daughter. I sat in the pain and tears of me losing my daughter now due to those same fears. Just wondered: I thought I was losing the relationship with me. It's both, actually.

[findingme]

I finished the above post, and left it. Got some more coffee to settle myself.

Uggg.. I began my normal mental thing of finding "things to do" (not much of it productive), and within 10 minutes, I was sitting here realizing I was trying to ignore and avoid my fear. Thinking "if I don't think of it, I won't feel it, and fear it", which I've done for years.

And with it came sadness. I was avoiding myself.

[Paul1131]

I finished the above post, and left it.  Got some more coffee to settle myself.  

Uggg.. I began my normal mental thing of finding "things to do" (not much of it productive), and within 10 minutes, I was sitting here realizing I was trying to ignore and avoid my fear.  Thinking "if I don't think of it, I won't feel it, and fear it", which I've done for years.  

And with it came sadness.  I was avoiding myself.

And now it sounds like you’re beating yourself up for it.  Don’t.  Every homosapian on the face of the earth does that.

[findingme]

And now it sounds like you’re beating yourself up for it.

I was openly admitting something I was doing. Me calling it out openly is saying to myself that I'm hurting me, and I don't want to do it anymore. When I see it again, BSing myself isn't so simple. So, I tell on myself to free myself.

The truth sets me free.