EP UMS JOURNAL

[Paul1131]

I am... Constantly in this weird state that's hard to describe. It's like... Underneath the surface, these majour issues regarding self esteem, guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, and feelings of helplessness to change it all exist, but on the surface, I mostly have a really blunted emotional affect about it. Like I'm just bored. But underneath it is a well of dissatisfaction and unhappiness with what seems like a lid being kept shut on it. I want to reach a point where I truly feel wortht of the love, acceptance and mutual attraction I didn't get in the past. But right now, even with all my recent success, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm "not good enough" and it's making me sad. Although that emotion too, is blunted. There's just this constant low key depression, colouring (or I should say "discolouring") everything. I feel like I need distraction to get my mind off of it, but I know that fixes nothing.

Yeah. "Low key depression" is what to call it. I guess it isn't too complicated to explain after all...

I found with these programs, especially with LTU but UMS as well, that’s how the change starts.  The surface thoughts change first, going from bad to not that bad to good, but you’ll still sense the underlying issues still there.  Then the deeper levels start to change.  

As to your parents, (please don’t think I’m talking down to you here I’ve been there) they sound a lot like mine.  Very controlling, every single action is calculated to demonstrate maintain and increase their dominance so that they can win some kind of power game.  I’m sorry you have to go through that.  I did until my mid twenties too.  I realized that the only way I was going to even start to repair the damage and figure out how to lead my own life was to get out and far enough away that they didn’t have much influence on my day to day life at all costs.  It’s really hard to heal when you’re taking emotional artillery fire on a daily basis.

[Greenduck]

“The only way is through”

When working with chakras the general rule of tumb is “start your way from the bottom and work your way up when you get the lower one settled”

I would think you would benefit by working on your lower chakras first before working on your higher ones. The root chakra for examples deals with your stability and independence, both financial and emotional. Reading about your situation it seems like you are lacking in both those areas.

Meditation and yoga are great means to find your independence. Did you know for example that the British colonials tried to banish yoga from India because they realized it made the people much harder to control?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I am... Constantly in this weird state that's hard to describe. It's like... Underneath the surface, these majour issues regarding self esteem, guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, and feelings of helplessness to change it all exist, but on the surface, I mostly have a really blunted emotional affect about it. Like I'm just bored. But underneath it is a well of dissatisfaction and unhappiness with what seems like a lid being kept shut on it. I want to reach a point where I truly feel wortht of the love, acceptance and mutual attraction I didn't get in the past. But right now, even with all my recent success, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm "not good enough" and it's making me sad. Although that emotion too, is blunted. There's just this constant low key depression, colouring (or I should say "discolouring") everything. I feel like I need distraction to get my mind off of it, but I know that fixes nothing.

Yeah. "Low key depression" is what to call it. I guess it isn't too complicated to explain after all...

I found with these programs, especially with LTU but UMS as well, that’s how the change starts.  The surface thoughts change first, going from bad to not that bad to good, but you’ll still sense the underlying issues still there.  Then the deeper levels start to change.  

As to your parents, (please don’t think I’m talking down to you here I’ve been there) they sound a lot like mine.  Very controlling, every single action is calculated to demonstrate maintain and increase their dominance so that they can win some kind of power game.  I’m sorry you have to go through that.  I did until my mid twenties too.  I realized that the only way I was going to even start to repair the damage and figure out how to lead my own life was to get out and far enough away that they didn’t have much influence on my day to day life at all costs.  It’s really hard to heal when you’re taking emotional artillery fire on a daily basis.

Very true. That's another reason that I want to travel. Luckilly, they're not as bad as they used to be, but they still pull crap like this. Thanks for your understanding.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

“The only way is through”

When working with chakras the general rule of tumb is “start your way from the bottom and work your way up when you get the lower one settled”

I would think you would benefit by working on your lower chakras first before working on your higher ones. The root chakra for examples deals with your stability and independence, both financial and emotional. Reading about your situation it seems like you are lacking in both those areas.

Meditation and yoga are great means to find your independence. Did you know for example that the British colonials tried to banish yoga from India because they realized it made the people much harder to control?

I had those chakras healed. That's why I'm working on the heart chakra. But I see what you're saying.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 2 of carpetbombing. Feeling tired. Got good sleep this time. Hopefully today I'll be functional enough to get my stats homework done. I intended to do AT LEAST some of it yesterday, but I spent the whol day in bed trying to heal my inner wounds instead.

[Greenduck]

“The only way is through”

When working with chakras the general rule of tumb is “start your way from the bottom and work your way up when you get the lower one settled”

I would think you would benefit by working on your lower chakras first before working on your higher ones. The root chakra for examples deals with your stability and independence, both financial and emotional. Reading about your situation it seems like you are lacking in both those areas.

Meditation and yoga are great means to find your independence. Did you know for example that the British colonials tried to banish yoga from India because they realized it made the people much harder to control?

I had those chakras healed. That's why I'm working on the heart chakra. But I see what you're saying.

Having an energy healer do distant healing isn’t the same thing as having them healed. After doing daily 1 hour meditation work during close to 2 years (on only my root chakra), I’m still not healed and still see benefit from the meditation.

I don’t know where you start from, and can only get an idea from your posts I’ve been reading here. So I don’t know if that’s the problem but reading about your problems with setting boundaries and being affected by people around you, I would guess that working on grounding would benefit you.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

There's gotta be a quicker way.

[Greenduck]

There's gotta be a quicker way.

Let me know if you find it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I am... Constantly in this weird state that's hard to describe. It's like... Underneath the surface, these majour issues regarding self esteem, guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, and feelings of helplessness to change it all exist, but on the surface, I mostly have a really blunted emotional affect about it. Like I'm just bored. But underneath it is a well of dissatisfaction and unhappiness with what seems like a lid being kept shut on it. I want to reach a point where I truly feel wortht of the love, acceptance and mutual attraction I didn't get in the past. But right now, even with all my recent success, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm "not good enough" and it's making me sad. Although that emotion too, is blunted. There's just this constant low key depression, colouring (or I should say "discolouring") everything. I feel like I need distraction to get my mind off of it, but I know that fixes nothing.

Yeah. "Low key depression" is what to call it. I guess it isn't too complicated to explain after all...

I found with these programs, especially with LTU but UMS as well, that’s how the change starts.  The surface thoughts change first, going from bad to not that bad to good, but you’ll still sense the underlying issues still there.  Then the deeper levels start to change.  

I hope they start to change soon. I'm sick of living my life like this. I hate feeling this way about myself. But I don't know how to change it. I am REALLY hoping the E3 in UMS will help, and LTU5 after.

[Greenduck]

Man I’m going to tell you a hard to swallow pill - no one cares that you feel bad and are suffering. Sure people can pay you some compassion, but in the end everyone has their own shit to deal with and you will never have someone take you out of your own shit. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is that you are where you are, it can be your parents, a teacher, whatever. It doesn’t matter. You must realize that you are the only one who can take yourself out of it. And don’t expect subliminals to help you all the way. You will have to grind, be patient, put work into things that sucks doing them until they don’t suck so much but you start seeing the hard work pay off. So buckle up and do the things you know you should do but are putting off doing for reason X. God speed.

I’ve recommended you some things in the past because they helped me. Cold showers. Meditation. Exercise. Daily. Without excuses other than you being so sick you can’t get out of bed. The key to your problems will be found in the grinding and getting used to it. Cut your hopes and expectations on the future and go towards that feel painful and tough to do and do it. Rinse. Repeat. Do it again. And again. And again. Create your own momentum.

[Shannon]

Now Greenduck, ask yourself. How much of that is actually your own limiting beliefs, and how much is reality?

[Greenduck]

Now Greenduck, ask yourself. How much of that is actually your own limiting beliefs, and how much is reality?

It’s a mindset I have decided to take to get myself out of my depression, rather than something being given to me. Either I could have jumped off a bridge or I could fight to get back to life and I choose the latter and with it came the need to create a mindset that I could fall back to when it got hard. To hope for tho n a to come and things to get better didn’t work, only hard work with myself being present with my own pain. So to answer your question, it was the reality I had to create to survive.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Now Greenduck, ask yourself.  How much of that is actually your own limiting beliefs, and how much is reality?

Hearing you ask that makes me feel somewhat better. I'm just trying to lie here with the pain and accept the things I have a hard time accepting. Accept where I'm at. Accept that I haven't yet become what I've wanted to become or accomplish what I've wanted to accomplish. I was starting to have to faqce the notion of possibly not being able to change everything I want to change in life, but this question reminds me I don't have to limit myself. Thanks Shannon.

[Shannon]

Now Greenduck, ask yourself.  How much of that is actually your own limiting beliefs, and how much is reality?

It’s a mindset I have decided to take to get myself out of my depression, rather than something being given to me. Either I could have jumped off a bridge or I could fight to get back to life and I choose the latter and with it came the need to create a mindset that I could fall back to when it got hard. To hope for tho n a to come and things to get better didn’t work, only hard work with myself being present with my own pain. So to answer your question, it was the reality I had to create to survive.

That is your belief based on your level of understanding.  It isn't necessarily The Truth or Omnipresent Reality.  It was your conclusion based on your circumstances and your choices.  And it's a limited and limiting belief, too.  Please remember that you are here to be part of the community here and we are all trying to improve and help each other.  While you may have been trying to help, it is not helpful to present your limited and limiting beliefs as fact to someone who is also struggling, and may not be helped by believing that they are fact.

There are always reasons and options you're not aware of.  Don't limit others with your limitations.  Let them decide for themselves what limitations they choose.