Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Shannon had put this in his UMS journal, and I'd not spotted the colored font reading it on my phone.  I watched it tonight.  

I'm waiting on a huge payout from Blockchain, which is where I will invest in a few simple online businesses plus I will mine as well.  I'm looking at real estate and other income opportunities for the future.  But simply put, passive income is the key to financial freedom.

And near the end of this video, Arnold said he hates a plan B.  

My plan B presently is my job.  I'm in a lower level position, and I was told Friday they needed documentation as to what my goals with the company are, for they brought me on to be a driver.  I'll have been with them a year come August.

I'm seriously questioning my thinking.  If plan A fails (my bitcoin payout), I can just stay working.  But Arnold was right.  With a plan B, I am lazy with my plan A.  Doing this--to me--seems crazy.  Saying no to an open door.

Yet the whole reason I've not gone that route is none are free.  55 hours a week repeating the same old thing.......that's opposite what I want.  My boss is routinely unhappy, he passes it on to the drivers........so am I missing anything I actually want?  No.  

The real reason I'm afraid.....is I fear being judged.  Since I've tended to be agreeable most of the time.  I play the part of a true "nice guy", which isn't really good.......for me.

[findingme]

Wondering out loud here.

I was just reading a post I made in a non-subliminal healing group a week back, and my honesty touched me while reading it. I read in my posting an unspoken "I want OUT of this!!". I had to read it again, as ........ that's not me on a regular basis. I've hid in 12 step groups for years and have known of my core issues longer.....but me seeing my clear intention.....hit me. I'm on LTU5, and have been reading UMS reactions.... I do want out. As long as I've "sought" help, I've simultaneously fought it/sabotaged it/just avoided it. That's been me the last 27 years. The ME2 is allowing change we've all truly wanted for years. Edit: it's what I've truly wanted, but have been afraid of.

So I'm wondering about it. And damn , my arguing to stay where I'm at is faced with something I've gained recently. It's the realization of "why am I making this HARD?!"

Wondering "should I?" The simplicity of success combined with my wanting out is making a good case.

[Shannon]

Or is that just an excuse to run from the real solution?

[findingme]

What's your understanding of the real solution?

[Shannon]

If you're trying to run, then what you're using might be if it's what you're trying to run from.

[findingme]

If you're trying to run, then what you're using might be if it's what you're trying to run from.

Maybe. It just touches on some major fears presently instead of moving in and making changes to them. It's uncomfortable.

I know I've resisted it since it, unlike any so far, has moved closer to the root than any others.

But something happened yesterday which is affecting my thinking currently. My mom passed away yesterday afternoon while in Hospice care. I live in FL, but am in KY visiting my daughter and ex, on my first day of vacation, and I got the call. I feel sooooo inhibited emotionally presently, like I feel all this pain internally, but fear and stubbornness has me holding it in. So, I'm not processing my pain effectively right now.

It's like (being honest here) I'm waiting for permission to love and care for myself while I'm around my ex and daughter. Since I've had fear of the grieving, I've resisted LTU. I've been considering UMS lately since it seems to go in cleaner and quicker, push right through old hangups, and rework old ineffective thinking. LTU is an effective sub. But the ME1 vs. ME2 seem to work at completely different speeds, which is why I'm eyeing UMS at this present time.

My main motivations for it are emotional clearing. The financial side I look forward to, moreso than I realize since old beliefs hold me up financially even in trivial matters. But what I'm reading about (less anger, clearer thinking, believing in oneself's abilities again) is drawing me in. These are old and present hangups for me, and a solution is in sight.

[Shannon]

My condolences on your loss. I'm sorry to hear that.

UMS is the wrong sub for you right now. You need LTU, and you need to do more of it.

[findingme]

May I ask for some specific examples of "more of it"? 1 loop when needed? More loops overnight?

One of my foremost concerns is how anger has been surfacing on it lately when I've used it while awake. Like LTU is bringing old experiences, memories, and feelings together quickly, I'll feel pain and anger over it, and will often simmer for an hour or more. I've not been comfortable in my anger since I'm having old associations in my mind between anger and hurting others.

I've not used LTU since 2 nights ago, knowing I did not want to estrange my daughter in anger. I even did some intentional rule 4 work requesting I not damage her or our relationship while I'm here. So far, so good.

In fact, today I requested a down day since grief is slowly coming, I'd been reading some this morning, she walked into my room, got a book off her bookshelf, and handed it to me saying "you should read this. It could really help you during this time". She then left. I'm reading it presently. The book is titled "A Monster Calls", and it's about a 13 year old boy living with his mom. His mom is going through late stage cancer treatments, and his imagination is having him work out his deepest fears he's been avoiding. I'm 1/3 through, and I've shed some tears. Very appropriate for the circumstances.

I know I've been seeking courage to face my circumstances, both past and present. I'll finish up the book today. And as advised, I'll run LTU loops tonight.

Thank you for the directions.

[Shannon]

More of it. You figure out what that needs to mean for your situation.

[findingme]

I slept with LTU looping. I think I only got about 6 hours or so since when I woke up early in the night, my phone was facing up, and the speaker's on the back. I woke up feeling good and hopeful, not really fearing today. As the morning's gone on, I realized something. I'm aware of how I keep looking, purely out of habit, for familiar norms. But ugly, shameful norms like being disappointed, angry, and emotional since I've put myself in the victim role again. Me being stressed while feeling like I'm failing is a norm. This thinking feeds off itself, but even now, 2 hours since waking, I'm still hanging on to a felt reality that I am good, that life is good, that love exists, and that I don't need to fear the future since I will go through any challenges bravely and completely.

I am also feeling good since I'm expecting a bitcoin payout within the next day or so. The circumstances surrounding it have me feeling good, as the support I've received during this adventure is what has allowed me to be successful here. I didn't do this alone. I asked for help, and my wish was granted. This is new, and it is wonderful.

[findingme]

I looped LTU last night again. I don't feel as light and free as I did yesterday, but I'm thinking E3 is digging deeper since I've upped my usage. I woke up an hour ago with my gut just slightly clenched, which is a fear response. I read Shannon's UMS experience yesterday, and since I've felt this gut clenching experience before on LTU, I'm mentally between powering through it more with LTU5 and fantasizing of LTU6 with the ME2. I bought UMS 2 days ago, did one loop, but followed Shannon's admonition to stay on LTU.

While writing, I realized my fear was just an inhibition of grieving. I've not fully felt my grief of my mom dying yet, and I only broke down shortly 2 times with my daughter when I learned of it 2 days ago. I'm feeling hurt and disappointed since my ex is mostly emotionally unavailable since she avoids her trauma and her hurt emotions regularly. But this morning a friend back home texted me asking if I wanted to play our money game Sunday, which is our norm. This challenged my self protection, as I've often shared easily and safely when around them. And sitting here I'm wondering why I don't allow myself to be free around others.

And I just felt the slight anger in me. I'm still listening to LTU, and I imagine myself putting all of me away while being there for my daughter and ex. Something hurts me while I do this. I've put myself (again) around an emotionally absent woman. I'd visit my mom on and off these last few years, and off was SOUGHT regularly since she lived in survival mode 24/7. She was an active alcoholic constantly trying to drown out old pain and terror, of which I've thought she had been sexually abused. She never admitted it, I never asked, but at least 3 times in my life she almost broke down in front of me, mentally reliving something she'd experienced with terror showing on her face. My ex was sexually abused in her teens long term, and I've seen her distancing herself even during my stay now. Nothing sexual has happened while I've been here, but I'd see her clearly dissociate during sex when we were married. And similar statements and responses I've received lately tell me that hiding herself from those memories and pain are a full-time top priority.

Well, I'm in this. I'm seeing other's pain clearly since it takes one to know one. Using LTU invites some courage in me, and I have had a similar experience. That's why I'm seeing it. What is slowly welling up in me is a sadness, not an anger. My stuff is being picked at.

I'll be back.

[findingme]

I've been looping LTU on my laptop here, an hour later. Been using my laptop this last 30 minutes, and am likely going to run it on my phone some today. Surprisingly, I've not felt exhausted. I don't underestimate this though.

I'll say with surety that most of my exhaustion I've ever felt is from me resisting subs. It's fear, which isn't news. I'll report back later.

[findingme]

I'm home from Kentucky, actually quietly grateful LTU has greatly helped my mood while with my ex and daughter. I had no major conflicts, and I routinely listened and communicated with both, seeking to show I cared. It was a very loving and positive experience.

One thing which sticks out to me upon returning, even as I'm alone here in my bed: I am routinely being very self critical. When I got home, I knew my milk was bad, so I went to pick some up along with other things. I was critical of myself (in my head), and it showed up with 2 separate cashiers. I was wearing self-dissatisfaction on my face. I was critical of myself before the exchanges, and after. An old part of me yearns to seek attention for this, but something different is running through my head. Like "that's not where you'll find good love and attention". And since running LTU more, it's like there're memories of those old strings to the victim mindset, but they've decayed and withered. I'm seeing this in my mind presently.

I made a run of 8 hybrid loops tonight, me wondering if me pushing more loops would have negative effects (I'd read Shannon's post about people doing too much of UMS). I don't know. But I'd begun with it on repeat, so I limited it some.

Lastly, sitting here, I'm feeling free of something (?). I even shed a tear before writing that. It felt like grief.

[findingme]

I was really, really amazed and loved during my trip to Kentucky.  I know my daughter has my musical ability, she's been in chorus these last 2 years, but she showed me something which touched me in many ways.

She's begun collecting music when in certain moods, and she's was identifying soundtrack music as "cinematic", which is quite accurate.  A movie/show/theatre production can rise or fall based on the music chosen to represent it.  I mention this since she's identifying her own feelings within music herself.  I've done that myself when without other tools or resources.  It's actually why and how I excelled in music when I was her age.  Music was my only outlet.

We were heading out for dinner 2 nights ago, she was playing some of her collected songs over the car's stereo, and she said she had a song which might touch me.  So, I listened.  And began crying.  It's a song about a brother missing his own brother, sharing childhood memories, and how he missed him.  My daughter hadn't even realized it touched me, and I pointed to the tear running down my cheek, as it came to me faster then expected.  The song was emotionally accurate for me.  I asked her to send me a few songs while we listened.