Getting Life Back on Track - LTU 5

[ResJudicata]

Day 78

Had a horrible migraine this morning. Still haven't heard back about job and not finding any real opportunities. If I wasn't in a safe state, I'd probably be panicking now. I'm hoping it's just the speed of bureaucracy but the job I'd originally gone for is no longer listed, that means either I have the position or it was given to someone else. My paranoia has me worrying it's the latter but the fact he never contacted me back after leaving a message last Monday still has me worried. Hopefully I can calm my fears by calling and getting a response tomorrow. I'm also hoping my migraine will be gone but I have no idea how that'll play out.

I still haven't been writing but have consistently kept listening. No idea what parts are firing and what aren't anymore. I'll just head to bed and hope for the best at this point.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Interesting. I'd have thought USLM4 in LTU5 would make finding opportunities easier? But eh, what do I know about these subliminals? I'm not the one who makes them.

[ResJudicata]

Day 85

Still feels like I'm just going through life and finding distractions.

Interesting. I'd have thought USLM4 in LTU5 would make finding opportunities easier? But eh, what do I know about these subliminals? I'm not the one who makes them.

I have a hypothesis on why I'm not really finding anything. Part of it is probably resistance but another part of me thinks that it's making sure I'm open for that position I interviewed for. I heard back when I called last Tuesday. The process to get the position is moving at the speed of bureaucracy and they won't have an answer for another 2 weeks. It's a job I know I'd like more than most and since it's a public defender post, I don't have to worry about billable hours (for those not in the know, lawyers have to keep pretty detailed records of their time in increments of 6 minutes or 1/10th of an hour in order to bill their clients. It's also the only thing that matters at a lot of firms to the point of unhealthy working environments).

[ResJudicata]

Day 90

Not much to report. I’ve done 3 months and will probably continue tomorrow for another 3 months. I’m still hoping I’ll get that job in a few weeks. I plan on calling and checking in again after they’ve had some time. 

Really wish I had more to say in these. Although, right now my dog is sick and that’s taking up more than a little of my time and mental energy. I keep hoping she’ll get better but it doesn’t seem to be in my hands other than to make sure to feed her the medicine she needs and to keep an eye on her.

[Shannon]

Day 90

Not much to report. I’ve done 3 months and will probably continue tomorrow for another 3 months. I’m still hoping I’ll get that job in a few weeks. I plan on calling and checking in again after they’ve had some time. 

Really wish I had more to say in these. Although, right now my dog is sick and that’s taking up more than a little of my time and mental energy. I keep hoping she’ll get better but it doesn’t seem to be in my hands other than to make sure to feed her the medicine she needs and to keep an eye on her.

What options and methods of play and exposure have you tried during this 3 month period?

[ResJudicata]

What options and methods of play and exposure have you tried during this 3 month period?

Other than that short time near the beginning where I did the masked for a short period due to the hybrid causing me physical pain in the ears, I've been doing the hybrid the entire time. Actually, I think I may experiment and see if I get better results with the masked on this second run.

I never messed with the ultrasonic by itself because I use headphones to listen and, to my own surprise, don't have any speakers I could play the ultrasonic overnight on (I only use a headset for my computer and I don't have any speakers as I use headphones for my iphone to play music). I also have a really hard time balancing for the ultrasonic. What seems comfortable for the masked became horribly oppressive and extremely uncomfortable to the point of headaches with the ultrasonic the few times I tried the ultrasonic years ago.

What drives me crazy is it really does feel like I get some results at the beginning of any of the subliminals I listen to but it also feels like my mind takes 2 weeks and then goes, "Ok, now I've figured out how to stonewall this, we're good to ignore it now."

As for other specifics, I've followed the instructions exactly. 5 loops daily (nightly in my case). 4 days on, 2 days off. I usually start listening every night between 10pm-12am and run my loops. Other than one night where I did a few extra loops because I accidentally left it on repeat 1 track a few days ago, I've been very consistent in the exact number of loops. I'm listening on MP3, because I need to listen to my loops on my iphone as I have to listen while I sleep in order to consistently listen at the same time and get through all 7 hours. Anything else you need?

[Shannon]

Very interesting. And what is your date of birth? How was your experience on LTU5 different than other subs you have used that I have created?

[ResJudicata]

Very interesting. And what is your date of birth? How was your experience on LTU5 different than other subs you have used that I have created?

Date of birth is November 27th, 1990.

As for different, I remember a few moments of weird misplaced existential dread. I’m going to go reread this full thing to notice what differences I can find.

...Well, that’s a subtle change I didn’t notice at all. Apparently I don’t really notice some of the changes that have occurred. I don’t really have that huge feeling of imposter syndrome and I think I have a bit more confidence in myself. But it’s really hard to tell with a lot of my thinking.

Big difference is that I’ve seemed to have a lot of what feels like minor bad luck. It may just be human nature at work (focus more on the bad than good) but I don’t remember any amazingly lucky things happening other than that job I’m still waiting on (and hoping I get the spot). This stands in some contrast to my USLM run where I don’t remember anything luck whose either way, good or bad.

For context the only other subs I’ve run are USLM, MHS, and DMSI. Considering I’ve only ever had some success with MHS, while not healing all my problems (more my fault for not continuing to listen to it when I have more than a few different issues simultaneously and some I’m not even sure it CAN help while also wanting to do other subs). Actually, that’s another difference. I normally have a strong urge to move on to the next sub. With this one, I felt more like wanting to take a break from subs rather than wait the time and jump into another sub. 

Hopefully that’s helpful?

[Shannon]

Indeed. But is that really your birthday or are you just playing with me?

[ResJudicata]

Indeed.  But is that really your birthday or are you just playing with me?

That is indeed my birthday, why would you think I'm playing with you? I've mentioned I'm an attorney. That requires 4 years for a BA, then another 3 for Law School and then the summer for the bar exam. So, assuming normal time through and not skipping grades in K-12 or graduating early from college, that means you're younger lawyers would be around 25 due to the delay on receiving Bar results. And it's been a few years after that.

[Shannon]

Indeed.  But is that really your birthday or are you just playing with me?

That is indeed my birthday, why would you think I'm playing with you? I've mentioned I'm an attorney. That requires 4 years for a BA, then another 3 for Law School and then the summer for the bar exam. So, assuming normal time through and not skipping grades in K-12 or graduating early from college, that means you're younger lawyers would be around 25 due to the delay on receiving Bar results. And it's been a few years after that.

I use that information to help me understand the personality.  The result with you was very unexpected.  Sometimes people will give me incorrect dates just to mess with me.  3 times out of 4 when I am surprised by the result, that is what has happened.

I suspect that there is also some information I cannot see from that information alone.

You don't have the personality type I thought you did.  The personality you apparently do have can be equally challenging, just in different directions.

[ResJudicata]

I use that information to help me understand the personality.  The result with you was very unexpected.  Sometimes people will give me incorrect dates just to mess with me.  3 times out of 4 when I am surprised by the result, that is what has happened.

I suspect that there is also some information I cannot see from that information alone.

You don't have the personality type I thought you did.  The personality you apparently do have can be equally challenging, just in different directions.

If you need any other information, just let me know, I think I’ll probably keep updating this about once a week on my rest days (which makes it technically slightly more than once a week but essentially once a week most of the time ). 

More towards this log for myself and general data. I really don’t know if I’m getting results I can’t see (like that apparent change with regards to imposter syndrome), I’m resisting, or the sub is just focusing on things I’m not thinking about it don’t associate with the sub. 

Would like better luck though. My tabletop rpg group and my online Blood Bowl games have had some terrible dice luck for me.

[Shannon]

So let me ask you this. Would you say your ability to focus for long periods of time is on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "unlimited"? And how much would you say you have a tendency to react to being told what to do with "screw you!" on that same scale?

[ResJudicata]

So let me ask you this.  Would you say your ability to focus for long periods of time is on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "unlimited"?  And how much would you say you have a tendency to react to being told what to do with "screw you!" on that same scale?

My ability to focus for long times varies based on conditions and distractions as well as interest. Assuming no major distractions and I’m not tired, hungry or some other obvious need acting as a distraction and I have a little interest I’d lean more towards a 8 with something that has a lot of my interest being a 10. If it’s something I’m not that interested in, usually it’s closer to a 3 or 4 unless I have some pressing need, then I can buckle down and focus for a good amount of time and would say closer to a 7.

As for response to being told what to do, I don’t have the “screw you” response inherently. Although, I know I have a tendency to think too much about stuff and the number probably varies on my confidence in the subject. If I have less confidence in a subject, probably closer to a 2 if it makes sense. If I have more confidence on a subject I'm probably more likely to second guess and reject something that doesn’t make sense to me. So a 7? 8? It’s not overt and takes more processing but still a potential strong rejection (probably not helped from my last job experience where following something I felt was wrong from my superior got me told off by the judge). Hopefully this helps and is actually accurate.

 Now for the actual journal part
Day 95
Today really sucked. Dog has been sick recently and her nose started bleeding and would not stop. Did get into the vet and she is staying there the night so they can anesthetize her in the morning and see the full extent of the growth in her nose that’s causing the problem. So, no news until tomorrow. Also, Friday tabletop rpg gaming group changed to a boardgame meet up as the GM has had one of those weeks. Not sure how to rate that.