LTU: Moving forward

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I say begin working on an exit strategy. Think of something else you'd rather be doing and make a plan to put yourself in a position to do that instead. I know, easier said than done right? But I'm sure you'll figure something out. My goal is to get a bachelor's degree then go teach English in Japan. then when I'm ready, I can work towards an MA in mental health counselling and after that get certified as a hypnotherapist. But that goal took me years to formulate in my head. I realize it could take you a while to figure out what you wanna do. Still, I recommend trying to think of something better to be doing, since you hate your job so much.

[mat422]

I say begin working on an exit strategy. Think of something else you'd rather be doing and make a plan to put yourself in a position to do that instead. I know, easier said than done right? But I'm sure you'll figure something out. My goal is to get a bachelor's degree then go teach English in Japan. then when I'm ready, I can work towards an MA in mental health counselling and after that get certified as a hypnotherapist. But that goal took me years to formulate in my head. I realize it could take you a while to figure out what you wanna do. Still, I recommend trying to think of something better to be doing, since you hate your job so much.

I have to polish up my resume and then I'm going to start looking for other jobs. My exit strategy is really just leaving this company. I don't really foresee myself going down a different career path. I have this job to provide me with money and then I do what I really care about, music. And even then I get paid peanuts for what I do. My main issue is that it seems like it's almost impossible to work part time and not be in poverty while pursuing something else. While I'd love to have music be my full time thing, I just really don't see it happening. But ever since I've started LTU that has gained front and center focus in my life and everything else has faded into the background. So maybe I'm still just battling with fears because it's a less traditional path. My frustrations are largely rooted in needing to have creativity be a part of my life and not knowing how to get there. I can't really do "normal" jobs, they make me feel like I'm suffocating. This has pretty much been my plight for most of my life, I don't fit into the very typical lifestyles most people pursue.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I say begin working on an exit strategy. Think of something else you'd rather be doing and make a plan to put yourself in a position to do that instead. I know, easier said than done right? But I'm sure you'll figure something out. My goal is to get a bachelor's degree then go teach English in Japan. then when I'm ready, I can work towards an MA in mental health counselling and after that get certified as a hypnotherapist. But that goal took me years to formulate in my head. I realize it could take you a while to figure out what you wanna do. Still, I recommend trying to think of something better to be doing, since you hate your job so much.

I have to polish up my resume and then I'm going to start looking for other jobs. My exit strategy is really just leaving this company. I don't really foresee myself going down a different career path. I have this job to provide me with money and then I do what I really care about, music. And even then I get paid peanuts for what I do. My main issue is that it seems like it's almost impossible to work part time and not be in poverty while pursuing something else. While I'd love to have music be my full time thing, I just really don't see it happening. But ever since I've started LTU that has gained front and center focus in my life and everything else has faded into the background. So maybe I'm still just battling with fears because it's a less traditional path. My frustrations are largely rooted in needing to have creativity be a part of my life and not knowing how to get there. I can't really do "normal" jobs, they make me feel like I'm suffocating. This has pretty much been my plight for most of my life, I don't fit into the very typical lifestyles most people pursue.

I getcha. Maybe there's a way you can use LTU5's USLM4 to find a way to make money off of music?

[mat422]

Yeah I have to work on that.

2 days off were rough. I reread my breakthrough a couple of posts back. My biggest issue is understanding this on an intellectual level. But knowing that doesn't change the internalized beliefs unfortunately. It does get me out of that hole of "everything is wrong and will never get better, I'm screwed". However I'm still not there. I think that breakthrough has normalized somewhat now and I'm not consciously thinking of it, but I'm displaying it in my refusal to go back to old defeating ways.

I'm still struggling with creating a life I can be happy with. I've been really tired lately. Forcing myself to make music has been something I've been obsessing a bit about. I've been trying to put my all into it so I can have my life fully immersed in it. But I feel like it's wrong because it's just generating anxiety about making enough money to live off of it.

@Shannon if you get a chance to read this. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I so desperately want to push myself as far away from this life I'm living now, but I feel like I can't get there. It's the most frustrating feeling for me. Being completely dissatisfied with how my life is, but not having the strength to change it. I keep thinking maybe I have to visualize more, act as if I am where i want to be to further cement the beliefs or align me with what I want. I don't know if this is possible, but I actually feel worse doing those things like affirmations, visualization, or whatever conscious oriented technique for life guidance in general. It's almost like it's so far out of the realm of possibility for me it hurts to even entertain the thoughts and it even backfires and causes me to think more negatively. And then when that negativity hits it's like an awful cycle I get into of negativity about experiencing negativity when trying to affirm positive things.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah I have to work on that.

2 days off were rough. I reread my breakthrough a couple of posts back. My biggest issue is understanding this on an intellectual level. But knowing that doesn't change the internalized beliefs unfortunately. It does get me out of that hole of "everything is wrong and will never get better, I'm screwed". However I'm still not there. I think that breakthrough has normalized somewhat now and I'm not consciously thinking of it, but I'm displaying it in my refusal to go back to old defeating ways.

I'm still struggling with creating a life I can be happy with. I've been really tired lately. Forcing myself to make music has been something I've been obsessing a bit about. I've been trying to put my all into it so I can have my life fully immersed in it. But I feel like it's wrong because it's just generating anxiety about making enough money to live off of it.

@Shannon if you get a chance to read this. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I so desperately want to push myself as far away from this life I'm living now, but I feel like I can't get there. It's the most frustrating feeling for me. Being completely dissatisfied with how my life is, but not having the strength to change it. I keep thinking maybe I have to visualize more, act as if I am where i want to be to further cement the beliefs or align me with what I want. I don't know if this is possible, but I actually feel worse doing those things like affirmations, visualization, or whatever conscious oriented technique for life guidance in general. It's almost like it's so far out of the realm of possibility for me it hurts to even entertain the thoughts and it even backfires and causes me to think more negatively. And then when that negativity hits it's like an awful cycle I get into of negativity about experiencing negativity when trying to affirm positive things.

I know how you feel man. I feel the same way: Really wanting to change my life but feeling "stuck" somehow and unmotivated. And like I don't know how I can change it. Hell, I'm not even fully sure what it is I want TBH. I've felt it was hopeless before too. But after a while, I came up with some good ideas and now I just have to get into a daily rhythm of doing the things I know will be good for me, but I just can't find the motivation. What are some of the things you want to change about your life?

[Shannon]

Yeah I have to work on that.

2 days off were rough. I reread my breakthrough a couple of posts back. My biggest issue is understanding this on an intellectual level. But knowing that doesn't change the internalized beliefs unfortunately. It does get me out of that hole of "everything is wrong and will never get better, I'm screwed". However I'm still not there. I think that breakthrough has normalized somewhat now and I'm not consciously thinking of it, but I'm displaying it in my refusal to go back to old defeating ways.

I'm still struggling with creating a life I can be happy with. I've been really tired lately. Forcing myself to make music has been something I've been obsessing a bit about. I've been trying to put my all into it so I can have my life fully immersed in it. But I feel like it's wrong because it's just generating anxiety about making enough money to live off of it.

@Shannon if you get a chance to read this. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I so desperately want to push myself as far away from this life I'm living now, but I feel like I can't get there. It's the most frustrating feeling for me. Being completely dissatisfied with how my life is, but not having the strength to change it. I keep thinking maybe I have to visualize more, act as if I am where i want to be to further cement the beliefs or align me with what I want. I don't know if this is possible, but I actually feel worse doing those things like affirmations, visualization, or whatever conscious oriented technique for life guidance in general. It's almost like it's so far out of the realm of possibility for me it hurts to even entertain the thoughts and it even backfires and causes me to think more negatively. And then when that negativity hits it's like an awful cycle I get into of negativity about experiencing negativity when trying to affirm positive things.

What you're experiencing is called growth.  Some parts are growing, and some parts are trying to hide in the familiar fear that has created all of what you have and have always had.  This is naturally going to create turbulence, as one part outgrows the limits and the fears and another part tries to hold on to it.

This would not be happening if the part of you executing the script of LTU5 were not slowly but surely changing.  These changes cannot be undone, because they are growth.  You are in the process of outgrowing the cage you had yourself in before, and if you are not all on-board with it, it may not be a very comfortable situation.  But it is growth, it is change, it is improvement and it is inevitable.  

Have you noted that those who hold onto a pre-conceived "reality" have that reality?  They focus into it so intently that they blind themselves to being able to even see anything else.  Then they only see the things that result in what they have already, and reject what could result in change.  The result?  More of what they already have.

That's the subconscious trying to use the "becoming' method to maintain status quo.  It knows how to use that naively, and it is effortless for that part of you.  When you consciously try to direct it to go in the direction you want it to go, and it deeply fears that outcome, you will have the experience you are having; what you're seeing is that the "you" at the root of your current issue, the one who has created the cage you've been living in, is reacting with fear to your efforts to get out of that cage.  It tries to make the conscious "you" experience negative things and it tries to react by pushing back with more of what it wants.  

If you keep using LTU5, the changes you seek are going to happen.  What all this means is that you're making significant progress.  You aren't all the way finished, but the change is being created and it will continue to build as you execute the script of LTU5 more and more.  That frustration you feel, use it to motivate you past your fears.  Try to explain to that part of you that the things it fears are not necessary to fear or insist on or defend yourself against.  Do the things that make logical sense to build yourself a stable platform for transitioning from your current job to a life of making music for a living.  Don't try to just jump into it blindly, but make sure your transition is as stable as you can make it.

You're making progress, and you're coming to the end of the road.  You don't have a whole lot left to accomplish to finish making these changes.  Keep using LTU5 and keep on trying.  Remember that you are outgrowing that cage, and you can't go back.  The only way forward is forward.  So keep going, and do your best.  It may not always be easy or fun, but it is progress, and that is always a good thing.

Remember also to try to enjoy making your music.  Don't rule out other types of jobs than what you have now.  Think outside the box and find ways to smooth your transition.  But never give up.

[mat422]

@Shannon Thanks for writing all that. I know you're swamped right now with things so it means a lot you took the time to help me out. This has definitely helped me feel better about what I'm going through right now.

[mat422]

I'm working on channeling my frustration into energy that gets things done. Today at work I was feeling particularly restless and I just kept feeling like I needed to break free. So instead of my usual feelings of getting depressed because I felt life was just a never-ending stream of time wasted in offices, I focused on what I wanted and how I can get there. The real me, the one that isn't afraid to live a certain way, is pushing outward. The more I grow, the more I see how I'm really supposed to be living my life. What brings me into alignment, what my inner being craves. Before my mind was corrupted by the world and it's insistence on how reality operates.

I've realized the deep profound sadness I've been afflicted with over the years was buying into limited perspectives on reality. Now that I'm feeling more things are possible, that sadness is lifting and I don't feel crushed by the weight of some potential future that will involve misery and suffering

[mat422]

Realized I've been in this tug of war for a bit now and trying to push myself past my fears. But it's like wrestling an 800 lb gorilla. I'm trying to dig deeper into what's causing my behavior. Perfectionism is still a big one, why does everything need to be good enough? I still struggle with a lot of distress and feelings of self worth when things don't go right or I'm not where I want to be. I have to look into that one more because it's one of the things that makes me depressed a lot. Also causes me to procrastinate which also makes me feel worse because then I'm not doing the things I want to.

Also kind of realized I'm in this alone for the most part. A lot of people in my life don't understand what I want or when I explain they sort of interject with their own limiting beliefs. I find I can't really talk to anyone about this stuff except everyone on this forum because we're all looking for similar things. I'm at a stronger place in my life now where I can disregard those opinions, but a few years back I felt like an idiot for believing some of the things I've come to understand about life in general.

I was reading an article about where perfectionism stems from. It mostly has it's roots in childhood with a desire to be "safe". Safety, comfort zone, fear, it all loops back around to fear. Sometimes when kids are in unpredictable environments they start thinking the stuff they do causes outcomes. So it becomes a need to "get things right" so they can avoid undesirable circumstances. Illogical? Yes very much so. But it pretty much explains why when I don't get things right I fear something bad might happen to me. And linking off of that is basing my self worth on those achievements too much. So there's a fear and underlying compulsion to do things perfect, but also a desire for other people to see those perfect things and boost my self worth because of it. It's like a horrible combination that doesn't leave much room for me experiencing life without anxiety.

[mat422]

So I'm starting a new thing where I basically ask my subconscious to help me out and then get out of the way. I've come to realize one of the things that gets me stuck is being way too obsessed with the how. I have a problem with needing to be in control. But I am in control, its just a different part of my mind. I need to learn to cooperate better instead of butting heads all the time.

There are still certain limitations I believe on a conscious level, but it feels like underneath that is a knowing. A knowing of what to do, how to do it, and when. I just have to stop trying so hard to dissect it and just go with it instead. I know how much power my own mind has, that's not a doubt anymore. It's just a matter of letting go and allowing that capability to flow.

Also getting a better idea of which parts of me are moving forward and which are holding back. Instead of trying to just overpower that part I'm working on communicating. Didn't realize how badly I was tiring myself out basically pushing, but having that other part push back.

[findingme]

Great post Mat! Considering I do the same, thank you for sharing this

[mat422]

Glad my post can help out a bit!

I've been really taking a look at this desire to make music a bigger part of my life. It's not either or, but mixed in with the passion for it is another more toxic mindset of doing it for validation or to prove I'm good at it. Making music people like, trying to make money with it, obsessing on it way too much and not having balance in my life. All of that gets in the way of the joy of just creating.

And then there's also the fact that I keep telling myself I should be better. That if I just worked hard enough on one song and got it good enough everything would fall into place. But I burn so much energy on that one song, it's not sustainable. I've realized I still have a lot of hours left before I'm making stuff I can really like. And it's not a question of trying harder and getting frustrated, but just putting in the time. Music is a skill like anything else and I need to put more time into it. I need to be more consistent. So even if I'm particularly tired one day I can at least do some work for 15 minutes. My problem has always been this all or nothing mentality.

This insight kind of came along with my journey in self growth. I was always thinking because I wasn't where I wanted to be or that things weren't moving fast enough that I was doing something wrong. But it just takes time and persistence. Luckily I'm starting to learn if you take a way that pressure of failure or the ridiculous expectations, you're free to engage in the work without feeling that overwhelming stress at all times. You realize it's a step along the way and that step is progress. My mistake was feeling like every step wasn't good enough and I never eased up on myself. It's good to have the long term goal, but just because I can't reach it on that particular day doesn't mean I've failed.

[mat422]

Yesterday was brutal. Woke up dead tired. It continued throughout the day then I developed a headache. Came home, ate, and went to sleep at 7pm. I was shot. It felt like I was in this paralyzed state of anxiety where I couldn't calm my nerves. Followed me into today. I got to work today and was sitting in my car because I got there early. I kept imagining what it would feel like to turn that key in the ignition and just leave. That sense of freedom.

Anyway I got legitimately upset today. Some part of me really hates being at this job and makes it hard for me to get stuff done. But it pisses me off because it's also afraid of the alternative. So what we have is basically a stalemate where we're both subjected to never ending anxiety with no resolution. My only real option is to keep listening to LTU and trying to break out of this. I'll say this, it's not easy. And no matter how hard I try to get all parts of me in alignment with one common goal, it seems impossible. So I'm basically just dragging whatever parts along, I really don't have time to wait anymore. I'm in control, I choose my own actions. It might be more difficult to get stuff done, but I'll do it.

[mat422]

Tipper dropped a new album the other day. As I was listening to it I was amazed. On a whole different level, stuff I can't even figure out how he put together. I went back to my own track I was working on and felt like crap. A lot of doubts flooded my mind at that moment. All the artists I admire, their creativity and skill. I always felt there was something special about my own music, but the more I work on stuff the more I feel like there's nothing really there. It always feels like I'm in a constant battle of what I want my music to be vs what it actually is.

The only solution is to keep working and bridge that gap. But that's just one part of my life. I'm realizing after running LTU that my whole life is pretty much a mess in terms of what I want.

I'm really late to the game with everything. And that's no exaggeration. My social skills, job experience, music experience, general confidence, just life in general when I think about it. My only hope is that me basically going through years of exactly what doesn't work will give me the edge nowadays. Whereas some people fall into everything and don't understand consciously, I've had to learn a lot of hard lessons. I just hope those mean something and I can achieve things at an accelerated rate once I really get going.