US/LM run

[ncbeareatingman]

Yeah, I love it too. Last night as I was driving to work, the Determination hit. It was a really powerful feeling with accompanying thoughts. I am going to get where I want to get and I will not be stopped. It felt like a power surge in my mind and body and it lasted all night at work. I am working on myself and powering up now, but I start hitting it hard in March and I will have that career job by the end of 2019.

Amen!! Rockin' it Paul !! wow and it feels like christmas eve tonight..USLM3 + Power FRMv3. whew!! Powerhouse. IM ready to Rock n Ready to Ride on ALL 15 cylanders firing !!

[Paul1131]

Yeah, I love it too. Last night as I was driving to work, the Determination hit. It was a really powerful feeling with accompanying thoughts. I am going to get where I want to get and I will not be stopped. It felt like a power surge in my mind and body and it lasted all night at work. I am working on myself and powering up now, but I start hitting it hard in March and I will have that career job by the end of 2019.

Amen!! Rockin' it Paul !! wow and it feels like christmas eve tonight..USLM3 + Power FRMv3. whew!! Powerhouse. IM ready to Rock n Ready to Ride on ALL 15 cylanders firing !!

I’m going to be waiting till tomorrow night to find out on that one, looking forward to it. Glad you’re having such a good ride.

[Kenshin]

One of the things I have noticed about USLM1/2 is that in circumstances that would normally get me down, make me depressed, have me feeling hopeless, and tempt me to give up, I don't. I may get upset, but it passes much more quickly, and the end goal of success is always there. Loving that.

I get that too.
I've been working on 'whatever arises love that' attitude in life and this sub definitely helps to get back on track very quickly when life throws some shit test at you.

[Paul1131]

My self talk has changed since I got the last rejection notice. It’s become a lot more positive and a lot more powerful. There’s a lot more feeling to it too. It’s also become a lot less fit for printing or broadcasting. I sound like a weird combination of a Marine DI and a new agey motivational speaker. “I AM A M/&$$/!KING WARRIOR!! SETBACKS DONT STOP ME, I CRUSH MY WAY RIGHT THROUGH THE /$KING \£|>£|!S!!!). I’ve even been compelled to say some of it out loud at myself in the mirror. (Go ahead and laugh, I did.). Thing is, when I do that, I really feel it, there is emotion and determination behind it.
This evening before work I felt tired, but was able to kind of push through it and have lots of energy, at least act energetic anyway. I usually feel wiped before going in for my last night of the work week.
In other news I am just finishing my second loop of USLM 3. So far, it feels relaxing. Not what I expected.

[Paul1131]

I completed my first run of USLM3 at work last night, and thus far I don’t really notice much of a difference. Perhaps I felt a bit more confident driving, and was doing so a bit more decisively. Other than that, the enthusiastic determination I felt yesterday is harder to keep up, and some negative thinking is creeping in around the edges. I am putting this off to the fact that I barely got three hours of sleep this morning because I had to get up and take our roommate to pick up a CPAP machine. Lack of sleep never does good things for my disposition.
On the good side, it looks like my wife is about to move into a better and higher paying position with her company. It’s not official yet, but they’re letting her shadow someone in that department a few hours a day, so I suspect it soon will be.

[Paul1131]

I spent this weekend (my weekends are Thursday and Friday) cleaning up this ungodly rats nest that I had allowed to develop in the corner of the bedroom over the years. It was really bad, and took me a full day to clean out. I got rid of five large trash bags full of crap. It was mostly clothes that were warm out, don’t fit anymore, or were otherwise useless to me. Previously I have had some trouble getting rid of things. I realized a couple of things while I was doing that. First was that I was being systematic about the house cleaning without really thinking about it much. I had started in the closet of the master suite bathroom and had been working out from there. Our bedroom is in one corner of the top floor, without thinking about it too much, I am working my way down to the opposite corner of the basement. I’m going in small steps. Small task by small task, and it’s not going to take me too long to get a clean home. I am also almost compulsively keeping the things that I have already cleaned and organized clean and organized. I am for instance always putting my shoes on top of the plastic drawer things in my closet because that’s their place now.
I AM sick of living in a mess, but I think that what I’m doing here is really practicing organization, work ethic and what not to apply when I start going for larger goals next year.
I talked to my best friend this evening, and he told me that I sounded a lot happier, more positive, and less stressed in the last month. I haven’t really noticed that I sound any different, but it’s good to have the validation.
I still don’t know if I feel any difference between two and three. I think there’s something, but it’s really hard to put my finger on. Three feels more relaxed is the best way i can put it.
There have been a few incidents of negative thinking patterns from the past re surfacing, but where they used to completely take over my mind, now they are at a much lower “volume”, much less frequent, and pass much faster.
I still don’t have a real concrete plan in place for my job search next year. I’m planning on just playing FYPJ in 5 G and letting it do it’s thing.

[Paul1131]

As far as I can tell, I rarely dream, but I kind of got an impression, vision, whatever you want to call it as I woke up this afternoon. A very muscular man was pulling a huge snake creature out of the ground. The ground of course was my mind, and the guy was the part of me that really wants to become the man I’ve always wanted to be, the ground was my mind, and that makes senior snake deep seated fear. The snake was big, and I felt it twisting throughout everything down there. However, the guy was winning. He was pulling it out inch by inch, and it wasn’t strong enough to resist.
Then I bounced out of bed, and got more done before work than most people do all week. I knocked off my to do list right off, and then turned my attention to the mess my wife’s shopping trip had made on the kitchen floor.
You see, my wife and our roommate went to Sams Club and the grocery store. My wife will not only buy anything that she sees on a good sale, she buys the store out of it. This results in a lot of money spent, and me having to find places for like 12 flats of various drinks, 52 cans of Pringle’s, 40 jars of pasta sauce, 20 3 packs of cereal boxes. There’s more, but I’m not going to waste space listing it.
That left a very intimidating pile of stuff on the kitchen floor, and while I’d set up a shelving unit in the basement to store overflow food, it was already full. So I went out and bought three more, assembled them, and put everything on them in an organized manner. Then I made a home cooked dinner and got to work awake alert and ready for my self improvement reading and whatnot.
I FELT a bit tired while doing all this, but had a seemingly endless amount of energy to keep going until it was done. This is new. I used to have trouble motivating myself to do anything. I suppose I was a bit depressed for years.
On a side note, my wife doesn’t seem to really know what to make of the “new me” sometimes she says it’s wonderful, and sometimes she complains about me being “obsessed” with my to do list. Her weird shopping habits and a couple of other things seem to have increased as I have become more organized and responsible too. Not sure why.

[Benjamin]

Interesting, as for her weird habits increasing it may be that she's uncomfortable with your changes and a subconscious way to try to stop you. That can happen with people you know at times when you start making positive changes.

When you stick to it hopefully she can adjust.

I'm entertained by the image of trying to store 52 cans of pringles and a million other things. Though it would't be as entertaining having to do so.

[Paul1131]

Interesting, as for her weird habits increasing it may be that she's uncomfortable with your changes and a subconscious way to try to stop you. That can happen with people you know at times when you start making positive changes.

When you stick to it hopefully she can adjust.

I'm entertained by the image of trying to store 52 cans of pringles and a million other things. Though it would't be as entertaining having to do so.

LOL, it wasn’t that entertaining, and I quail to think what she’s going to do next week.
I had been trying to think of how to put this. While I don’t seem to be resisting this sub, I think she is. It might be that she somehow feels threatened or something.

[ncbeareatingman]

Paul ...yer rockin' it man. you seem to 'be more open' now and your journal words flow,your stream of consciousness is different...clearly your're taking the HIGHER ROAD and I'd say taking the bull by the horns,rather the SNAKE by the throat!! more power to ya...I find a lotta times when wemake some serious progress and are determined to keep moving forward..the people around us ,subconsciously go, OK. got it,I'll surrender,or agree to what your're doing and follow or not get in your way to more forward!
its amazing how many unspoken agreements we all make.I've watched this and noted it fer decades.
peace be wiff.

[JakeKennedy]

Very interesting about your wife, Paul. Thanks for sharing. USLM2 was very rocky for my gf at times but USLM3 has been smooth so far. I look forward to reading about how the sub effects her going forward.

In my experience it works better for partners to use subs together so you can grow together.

[Shannon]

Obsessive behaviors also can be rooted in fear. In some personality types, the FRM will take longer to achieve its goals. It's design is such that it should be impossible to stop or resist completely and permanently, so eventually ALL of you should be affected by it, regardless of how strong their will is, how proud they are that they can "beat me" by resisting, or whatever other silly nonsense there is fueling the resistance on top of fear.

What we see here looks to me like your wife is responding with fear to the fear removal process, which would be normal for an emotional core type. The subtype you describe sees security in things, and apparently in her case, food. The more they have, the less insecure they feel about "what if we run out and can't get any more food?" type imaginary scenarios. I'm familiar with that, as my mother was like that and she had me doing it too for a while. But it sounds like it's a kind of hoarding behavior, and that is based in fear.

Hoarders are supposed to be among the most difficult of people to help. It would make sense, then that she would be responding more slowly and with more hoarding as she sees things (including you) change. Over time, if she is exposed for long enough, FRM will remove the fears that cause that behavior. This design is such that as long as you get enough exposure, it will work.

At least that's my take on what she's doing based on what I can see.

[Paul1131]

Obsessive behaviors also can be rooted in fear. In some personality types, the FRM will take longer to achieve its goals. It's design is such that it should be impossible to stop or resist completely and permanently, so eventually ALL of you should be affected by it, regardless of how strong their will is, how proud they are that they can "beat me" by resisting, or whatever other silly nonsense there is fueling the resistance on top of fear.

What we see here looks to me like your wife is responding with fear to the fear removal process, which would be normal for an emotional core type. The subtype you describe sees security in things, and apparently in her case, food. The more they have, the less insecure they feel about "what if we run out and can't get any more food?" type imaginary scenarios. I'm familiar with that, as my mother was like that and she had me doing it too for a while. But it sounds like it's a kind of hoarding behavior, and that is based in fear.

Hoarders are supposed to be among the most difficult of people to help. It would make sense, then that she would be responding more slowly and with more hoarding as she sees things (including you) change. Over time, if she is exposed for long enough, FRM will remove the fears that cause that behavior. This design is such that as long as you get enough exposure, it will work.

At least that's my take on what she's doing based on what I can see.

Part of the problem may be that she is only being exposed to the program two nights a week on my nights off. I work nights, she works days. In order for her to run it properly, I would have to put a copy on one of her devices, and I think Ben told me that that would cause problems with your anti piracy programming. Is that correct and is there any way around that? Oh, yeah, and I’d have to convince her to run it properly.
Wait, beat you? Why would someone pay over a hundred bucks for a sub, run it, then deliberately not go along with it? Seems like an awe full waste of time and money.

[Paul1131]

I’m actually feeling the sub this evening. I’m getting those light surges of dizziness while it runs, usually they coincide with the barely heard voices. I usually don’t get that anymore, but it’s nice occasionally because it lets me know it’s still busy forming those neural connections.
I gave myself a break today. Yesterday when I was working so hard, I realized that I’d been driving myself really hard for the past several weeks, and that the world wouldn’t end if I didn’t worry about the to do list or anything like that for one day. All I got done today was to cook everyone a nice dinner and get on my way to work. Tomorrow, I’m back on it.
After I got dressed for work, I got downstairs only to be berated by my wife for leaving one of the “good” steak knives in the sink. This confused me a bit because I hadn’t done that, but she went on and on until our roommate said that she had done it. Roomie was annoyed and told Wife that not everything was my fault.
I realized that for the past few weeks, she’s found something small like that to go off on me in a big way for at about the same time every night. And this is nothing new.
The wife has been very critical of me since long before we were married. It’s gotten better and worse through the years, but it’s been a fairly constant thing. Last year when she moved in, Roommate told me that it was at the level of psychological abuse. I did used to get angry and fight back, but it did no good, so I don’t anymore.
It got real bad last year when I was in OJT for the job I really wanted, and the time before that too. It seems to get worse when other things are starting to go well for me. I partially blame the additional stress for my failing at those jobs. She does seem to be having difficulty dealing with the new me that is emerging. I can take it, but at the moment it’s upsetting our roommate and our son. She got some meds because we were thinking it was the result of MS related depression, and that made it a bet better for a while, but now it’s coming back. Not sure where this is going to go, but I don’t deserve to be treated like this and kiddo doesn’t deserve to be exposed to it.