Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[Shannon]

I think your fears over running 3.2 again are probably unfounded. I think that's an excuse not to run it. Clearly it worked. I recommend that you either run 3.2 (<--), or nothing. MLS will redirect everything away from what DMSI was doing and what it has accomplished.

[DarthXedonias]

I think your fears over running 3.2 again are probably unfounded. I think that's an excuse not to run it. Clearly it worked. I recommend that you either run 3.2 (<--), or nothing. MLS will redirect everything away from what DMSI was doing and what it has accomplished.

Well, with that said I think I will jump back on 3.2 then. I really just hope the nihilism doesn't show up again because that stuff was debilitating at times. Though , I hope I'm remembering this right, I think the times when it showed up the most is when I had time to myself. So I think if I tried to keep myself as busy as possible it shouldn't be a problem hopefully. Though I do think I might still retain the "I don't care" attitude which seems to be the way the resisting part of my subconscious is keeping the aura from sniping anyone. I find that thing so frustrating and weird. It happens without fail all the time. I might even run across a chick that I really did find hot before and I might try to concentrate on the aspects of her that I find hot but then without fail within seconds literally the thought of "I just don't care" will pop into my mind. That same recurring thought every single time will just block anything from happening.

On another note, I think I should report something that I just now realized. For the past 2 months or so I have been getting weird friend suggestions on Facebook. It didn't hit me til now but I know noticed that the common theme with all of them has been that they have been women and foreign women at that. There also was recently one with a chick I used to work that I had searched for on Facebook in the past after she stopped working at the theater but with no luck. She isn't foreigner per say, she was born here, but I believe her parents are first generation Chinese that moved here. So she has a lot of foreign mannerisms to her and is in general a very well mannered woman. I also was somewhat attracted to her when she worked there and she was easy to talk to.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, time to update a bit. I did end up going back to 3.2 and technically I'm on day 2 now. I would say right now that Shannon's opinion seems to be correct in that my trip to the Philippines was me executing the instructions of 3.2. I noticed something right away after running it just the first time in a while. Immediately I started thinking about where I was going to go next, and started looking up online profiles of women in other countries. I don't know, after my experience with dating in another place and how easy it was with less stress I've been think a lot about when I will go next and this just got even more noticeable after I started running the program. It almost felt like a compulsion really. I will be going back to the Philippines eventually but due to the new job I might get I might be able to squeeze in a trip to Latin America in between then.

I also ended up commenting on a forum that I use to visit a long time ago. I had been on this forum a few years ago, then stopped. Then right before I left for my trip I went on there too look up a little bit of information then when I got back and started running 3.2 again I've been on there, posting, asking questions and getting info a lot. Its a forum with guys who try to find countries that are more to their liking (for social reasons and dating) and then usually make the move there. The fact that doing all this and thinking even more on my next trip happened literally right after I started listening to the sub again probably means that yeah, my subconscious seems to be leading me to cultures where I won't get as much a negative response. Probably also means that some parts of my subconscious are still facing lots of resistance to trying sniping local women so its going with the path of least resistance for right now.

It could have something to do with my past as well. Most of my friends that I had that I really had a lot in common with were foreign or were 2nd generation people with foreign born parents. Also, I don't know but I most of the time found foreign born women to be very attractive and my experience interacting with them in the past wasn't as negative as local women so that might be why the part executing the script isn't getting "as much" resistance to that idea. So, as it stands now seems like this is the path my subconscious is going to be taking for now. Who knows as I get more experience with women and the experiences get more positive maybe I will get over some of my fears surrounding them.

On the girlfriend front things are still decent. We chat to each other everyday though something did come up that might be a deal breaker in the long run. When we were talking about more serious issues about the future before we had even met, chatting on Viber, she had said she wanted 3 kids if our relationship ever went that far. Now like a day ago she had mentioned she only wanted 1. When I asked her didn't she said 3 before hand she said she "changed her mind". That might be a deal breaker for me seeing as I eventually want a bigger family than that. I will be discussing this again with her soon. I don't mind getting married or having a family if its in the Philippines (or a country like it with similar laws). There a guy doesn't get screwed over if the marriage doesn't workout. There isn't any divorce though you can get a annulment (which is hard to get in the first place) and there isn't any alimony or child support laws really. Generally, its in the best self interest of the woman to give her partner her best effort in the relationship because he can just up and leave and his resources go with him. Mind you, this does lead to some abuse in that a guy who has a family can have a mistress and if he gets tired of his family he can up and leave with his mistress (though I wouldn't consider doing something like that personally). Though it obviously presents less of a danger to a guy than in the US where a guy can get financially XXXXXX over in divorce court here and accused of all kinds of stuff.

Either way we will see where this goes. I find myself thinking more and more about my next trip and having some fun wherever I choose to go. Quite honestly I really am considering a nice trip to a Latin American country for some reason. That seemed to be my first instinct when I thought of places to go after running 3.2 again. Will see if maybe this instinct is right.

That is all for now!

[DarthXedonias]

Well, I think I should update.

Not much going on the sub front besides I did have another horrifying dream about me getting chased down by some horrifying monster and being close to dying again before I woke up. Some part of me is really resisting this all very badly. In other news I ended up not getting the job even though that would have really helped out with things, help me get back to the Philippines a lot quicker and help pay for stuff with one job while I'm going to school. As it stands now I either really need to search harder or I might have to break down and get 2 jobs possibility. We shall see what happens. For right now, things aren't looking good on that front.

Either way, due to stuff between my girlfriend and me, and my experiences over there I am highly motivated to finally get my degree no matter what. I know that's the only way I can get around to traveling around South East Asia like I want and probably spend more time with her and potentially other girls. I am considering getting a MBA in international business after my B.S. Degree but we shall see what happens. It would really help with my income and such and getting non-teaching jobs in Asia. I could potentially just work for a international corporation and be a regional leader with them which would be very nice. Good to US standards pay while living in a low cost country would be great. That's the hope anyway. Either way, I just feel this motivation and this idea that I can't fail in any of this. I want to live the life that I've wanted and not be dragged down to live some meaningless existence like the one my toxic relatives are living. I refuse to join them in that way of living.

[DarthXedonias]

Time to update!

Well, some bad stuff has happened. Just minor things to set me back. I got back and found out my car won't even start. I think I might have a dead battery, so will need to get that replace. Then just last night the GTX 1080 TI video card I built into this PC crapped out on me. I've only had this card for like 8 months or so. This is compared to my Original GTX Titans in sli which lasted about 5 years. Ugh, going to have to replace that as well.

As far as stuff with the sub, nothing directly though I have noticed stuff happening that might align for me to go back to the Philippines and with a totally self sustaining income. Essentially the first thing is, despite it not being a real possibility, I ended up getting approve for my military benefits for the online school which will allow me to pay rent easily. Will be going back to the theater since hours have gotten better and its a laid back job that will allow me to finish my degree finally within 6 months. Turns out the degree I'm going for will allow me to get a government job that pays really well (will most likely be at a hospital). The real kicker though and I feel like this was the sub was the fact that I came up with an idea that I saw in action in the Philippines which will allow me to be fully financially independent within 1-2 years.

So basically if I stay here, while making frequent visits to the Philippines, in the US working and investing in my new endeavor I should be making between 100k-500k USD per year after 2 years or so. I think the fact that I had this idea suddenly pop in my mind then had it verified was probably due to 3.2 trying to get me back as soon as possible and even able to travel in SEA to boot. Now the part I need to just do is finish my degree and really work hard over the next 2 years or so. I do look forward to this though. It would give me some good times testing out DMSI final throughout Asia. I think that would be the real test since some of the cultures there are very conservative. If DMSI can work in those places then it will really be a break through.

That's all for now!

[DarthXedonias]

Well, quick update.

Ending up ending things with my girlfriend. Funny enough, I'm not really shaken up about it. I don't know, with the new business idea and the potential for my future I'm just so happy with those possibilities that its not easy to dampen my mood. Also, even though my girlfriend was sexually open there was still the fact that she said if we ever got married she would want to stop things like having threesomes, etc. I would like to add as well this time it wasn't even close to me pushing her away. It was pretty much in her court this time. I should add that we close to like a week ago because I was getting fed up with something but I simply laid down my boundaries and my expectations. With that I told her if she didn't respect them then I'm out of this relationship.

The main contention is that I noticed that when she didn't get what she wanted she would act like a brat. She would sometimes say things meant to hurt me, get all carried away with her emotions and then end the conversation for the day. Seems very woman like in behavior a lot of the time but especially if your a 19 year old female. Anyway, I really got tired of this because even though she would apologize for her behavior the next day this ended up becoming a weekly occurrence. So I laid down my rules and she seemed to control herself for a while but one week later it practically happens again except this time she uses the threat of breaking up to try and get what she wants.

In case you guys are wondering the main thing that kept on leading to these fights (more was like her getting worked up and me getting annoyed but trying to remain calm) was her wanting me to give her a baby. I kept on telling her that it wouldn't be the best time right now given how long it would be for me to move over their permanently (about a year or 2 after I finish my degree). I would actually want to be there during the first 2 years of my child's life not somewhere far away but she just kept on bringing it up weekly. To the point she even said that despite all that even if I weren't there the first couple of years she would still want the child. I'm starting to think if maybe she just wanted this child so badly , not only cause she loved me but also because she lost her first child in a miscarriage. Either way I wasn't agreeing to this at the moment , even though I told her I might contemplate it more given my financial idea would guarantee they would be taken care of.

Anyway, the bratty attitude came out and she used the whole "Why don't we just break up then since you care more about your plans than my happiness" which I think obviously was a veiled threat to make me give in. It had the opposite effect as you can imagine. I said my peace and then blocked her on Viber and most other things except I forgot about Facebook. She was able to contact me there where it lasted a bit longer but it was more of the trying to shame me or make me feel guilty for not giving into her thing. After that I said my peace and just deleted/blocked her on there as well. I had told her I might contact her in a week so we can just remain friends but I'm seriously rethinking that. That all happened minutes ago.

Like I said, I'm not really all broken up about it as I thought. It does open new opportunities for me to have more variety in how I achieve my business venture. As it is now, after I finish my degree I can either (1) keep working here while investing in it, (2) Teach English in South Korea and SEA in general while investing in it, or (3) If DMSI final works like its suppose to do my original idea of getting into acting by becoming a sex symbol as it where with the help of DMSI, and make even more contributions towards my business venture. Also, I guess I just see it as for the best that this happened since I couldn't imagine being married to somewhat who acts all bratty when they don't get their way. I don't get the idea in having that attitude especially in a country like the Philippines where the guy can just up and leave with no financial repercussions like if he were married in the states. Seems really short term thinking in my opinion (or no thinking at all).

Either way, I'm not really sad at all really. I have so much stuff to look forward to in the coming years that this just seems like a bump in the road. I will admit it might be because I've gotten better at cutting people out of my life over the years that I know weren't good for me and can do it on a seconds notice. Granted before there usually at least use to be some kind of pain for a couple of days but now none whatsoever. I think that might be because 3.2 cleared up some past traumas I might have had. Its like, well its over with and no point in being sad or unhappy. Some things just don't end well and you might as well just move on with your life. I think as it was said in gone with the wind, "When one door closes, another one opens". I feel like that might be how I see things at the moment and there's a new found kind of optimism in me now for when things go wrong.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have too many potential opportunities in the future to be unhappy at the moment.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, thought I should update since I haven't for a while and I have come to a decision about something very important.

Well, on the DMSI front nothing much happening. I'm still getting the this feeling that every time I see an attractive woman (and I've seen a few while I've been back working at the theater) there's something within me that comes up and artificially limits/denies the attraction that is there. This totally keeps the sniper from firing which I have felt come close to firing off a few times but every time this underlying program comes up to totally destroy any chance of the aura actually working. At this point I do feel like the only thing that's going to help me is when 3.3 comes out and this loophole is closed. Granted I have time to spare before I put my other plans in motion. I found out that two of the Hispanic girls who work there when I was there last time are still working there. I think they will be prime targets for when 3.3 (or possibly DMSI final) come out. Though I was right when I probably thought 3.2 would be the one where I finally execute (though in a round about fashion) I feel like 3.3 will probably be the one where it won't matter if the woman is Local or foreign, as long as I'm attracted to her she will get sniped. That is unless my mind finds out some other clever way to execute the script but not achieve the results. Though I doubt that there will be many ways after this to execute the script without achieving the design goals.

With all that said I did come to an important decision based on something that happened today. I decided that after i get my degree I'm going to just teach English in Korea or another Asian country. I've figured that with the amount of money you can saved in Korea (between 15-20K USD per year) I could just be there to better live in a culture to my liking and save money for my business plan at the same time. I don't know, after I've gotten back I've been wanting more and more to get back to Asia as soon as possible. Was so nice to experience a culture that values hard work but where you are expected to have manners. Can't say I'm surprised all that much by this. Pretty much 80% of my friends when I was younger were immigrants from Asia. I seem to just get along with them much better. With that said though I have decided also that the only thing that would keep me in the US after I get my degree is if DMSI final was out, I went to some acting/voice acting auditions, and got chosen for them. If DMSI could make me attractive enough that I got my foot solidly into the acting career path then I would probably consider staying for a few years until I definitely was economically independent.

Now the thing that happened today that made me decide this was something in relation to the whole #metoo stuff going on right now. No, I didn't get accused of sexual assault or rape. It was nothing as serious as that but I did get into a discussion and it is appalling to me how many local woman I'm running into these days that share these views. Basically a co-worker came up to me and we started discussing the recent interview Henry Cavill gave. I would recommend on reading the whole thing so you can get an good idea. Essentially, he said he was afraid of dating at the moment and flirting with women due to how often sexual misconduct accusations were being thrown around. Apparently, he got a lot of flack for even saying that for some odd reason. Apparently, my female co-worker thought he was an asshole for saying such things. When I tried to reason with her why such men might feel that way she refused to hear any of it.

She tried to say that he was saying women should just shut up about when something happens to them. I asked her , "where did he say that? " (because he didn't say anything like that in his interview) she literally stopped, thought for a moment (I'm assuming she was coming up with some half ass excuse) then said, "Well, you just need to read between the lines of what he is saying". Basically "I can read minds and know exactly what he was thinking when he said that". Its amazing when someone gives even a criticism or concern about something today people just go off especially when it concerns this topic. Either way she seems to believe the farie tale of everyone in that #Metoo movement are righteous people and women would never lie about such things.

-snort- I'm no idiot, I've seen women lie about such things and suffer no consequences (seen it while I was in the Navy as well). Either way I'm running into more and more people who think like this regarding this issue. Therefore, not really interested in staying in this country much longer after I get my degree. I can't really stand the constant SJW/extreme feminist stuff I have to deal with all the time. Lucky for me, most of Asia, especially the Philippines, has a zero tolerance policy regarding such things. Therefore, I think I will just enjoy my life to the fullest and teach English in Asia. When thinking about it more I'm kind of not surprised that I have a fear of local women to a degree considering i see this on a daily basis (to give an Idea for those that don't know I live in California Near San Francisco).

Either way, kind of glad I came to this decision. Just makes my plan all that more clear. Also, who knows? Maybe I will be in Asia and get into acting over there even though it might be harder. If DMSI works as promised I think it might just work out fine.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, as the new titlte suggest seems I'm starting to get those TID experiences again. Been off 3.2 for a while now after still not seeing anything new and the announcement of what the game plan was as far as the subs that will be produced in the coming weeks. Originally I stopped because I wanted to run US/LM but that's won't be coming out for a while so I will just wait for 3.3. Either way I have noticed some weird things happen over the past few days.

Just like with before 3.2 I did have another incident of me having this surge of confidence that 3.3 will work even more for me (Hopefully with both foreign and local women) then soon after I got this fear response again. That I am familiar with but there was another thing that happened that hasn't happened with any other TID experience or any other version of the sub. I remember being in a room one time and then all of a sudden I got this weird feeling then I literally asked in my head "Who am I?". I started to get a "little" bit of a panicking feeling afterwards for some reason. I've had some experiences before but never a questioning of identity level type experience. I'm probably supposing that this is due to those mentioned "Deep Magic" modules that Shannon had mentioned.

After that there was another staple of running attraction subs that seems to happen to a lot of people on here. I started running into a lot of people from my past. This has mainly been at my job. One of them being a guy who joined the army and I had known since Junior High. The most interesting though was a chick I had written in this journal when I was running 3.1. She was the Latin chick who was interested at first but after a acquaintance of mine spread word over it she just lost any interest. I stupidly kind of kept chasing for a bit afterwards though and basically got used somewhat. I actually saw her yesterday and the thing was I acted differently than I thought I would. Before with a woman like that It would take a while to get over what happened and if I saw her I would be incredibly sad. Probably due to my perceived failure. I would usually still find her attractive as well.

Well, this was not the case. I was working box office that morning and she tried to wave from the line and I didn't feel sadness. I felt anger at first and annoyance for what she had put me through. Unfortunately, I ended up serving her instead of my co-work I just gave practically one word responses and I think she noticed and tried being even more warm for some odd reason. I noticed she was with some tall, skinny guy as well that she paid for. I think the very old me might have been a bit jealous but interestingly I didn't care. During this time I did want her to go away but the initial anger reaction was gone. I noticed it was happiness that I didn't end up with such a woman and I actually felt pity for the guy because I know how that woman is now. He might think because shes into anime and video games that she much different than the average woman but her character is quite frankly shit.

Never thought I would actually react this way to someone who caused me past hurt. Its actually a very welcome change. It means, at least to me, that I do care about having a baseline amount of attraction to a woman but if her character is shit then that attraction is automatically killed. I noticed this when thinking back on that interaction. I had no attraction at all to her anymore and wondered why I even liked her to begin with when I really looked at her.

Last, it seems another opportunity has turned up that will make my plans to go to the Philippines go even more smoothly. Turns out that a teaching English online job has presented itself which would enable me to make up to 4000USD a month online. With that it would pay more than a regular English job and allow me to live quite well over there. It would also allow me to more properly fund my business idea so I would not have to work in like 2-4 years.

Either way, I've just been noticing all these strange occurrences at the moment and thought I should report them. That's all for now.

[Leo1990]

What is TID?

[THolt]

What is TID?

Hey man

Here is a link to the glossary on the subliminal shop website http://www.subliminal-shop.com/glossary/

Scroll down to TID which stands for Temporal Impact Displacement.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, thought I would update for a bit. I decided to keep the original title because in addition to having the effects of US/LM I am still getting what I perceive to be TID experiences from 3.3. Matter of fact, they seem to be working in tandem at times which is interesting. The TID experiences seems to be mostly internal and , like just now, happen when I'm either about to go to sleep or soon after a wake up. As of now, it seems the main priority that is seeming to keep being brought to the forefront of my mind is that I need to get out of this country. Its like its constantly going through my head and I'm constantly looking at my options to get out of here as soon as possible.

Right now it seems I have 3 options. The first one is to wait til I finish my TEFL certificate (more on that later) and get involved in that teaching online program I was talking about. With that money all I would have to do is wait a month or 2 until I get all my debts taken care of, buy a new Oneplus 6 which supports dual sim cards so I can get connection in the country of my choice, and then I could move straight to the Philippines (or another country of my choice) soon after. I do like that option quite a lot as that means I could see that girl ,who I am still talking to, fairly often if not every other day.

My second option is to get my TEFL certificate and teach in China for a bit. I found to my surprise that do to high demand and often loosing to English teachers picking Korea instead of China, China has significantly raised its pay and benefits package for English teachers since the last time I checked there. Essentially they are paying 2.1K USD up to 4K USD per month (average local makes only 1kUSD per month), free flight to China, free accommodation (sometimes utilities are included), 3 meals a day, internet access, and lots of times a end of contract bonus. The good thing is they only require a TEFL certificate right now seeing as the demand is so high. I would probably stay there a few years to build up my capital (of which I've remembered a very good way to do that) then move to the Philippines to start my hotel business.

The Third option, which will have me stay here longer, is getting my TEFL cert, waiting to finish my degree, and then move out of the country to have more options of countries to teach English in. Quite frankly this is my least favorite option out of the bunch because I would have to stay in this country longer. Granted, if I go this route I will be able to teach in Korea, Thailand, Japan, or the middle east. I'm very tempted to go the middle east route due to the high pay and the fact that I do find some Arab women pretty hot. So I would be interested to see how DMSI would affect the women there. Mind you I'm aware of the customs there and am not opposed to marriage. I'm only opposed to marriage in countries where the guy can get royally screwed over by the bias divorce courts. I would find this interesting also because in case no one knew Arabs have a "propensity" to look down people of dark skin tone so if I was able to get involved with a girl from there (most likely marriage) then it would kind of show off the power of what Shannon is doing with DMSI in such a cultural climate.

Either way, those are my options at the moment. Option one would be by far the quickest while option three would be the longest. So far I'm only on point. I ended up buying an TEFL online course for only 175 USD which so happens to be during a sell in which they have offered the course for the cheapest they ever have. I sort of owe that to probably LM. Also, even though the course is an 120 hour certificate course I found out that it doesn't really take 120 hours to complete and one person said you could easily get it done within 3 days if you really work at it. Another thing I have to put down US/LM is the fact that I opened the course and without even really thinking about it I got through a good portion of it without even trying and barely taking any breaks. Before this would have been unheard of and usually I would procrastinate. I'm hoping to be done with the course by later this week or early next week then options 1-2 will be easily available to me.

More on the moving thing though. There seems to be 2 prime things motivate this move. The first seems to be I'm just tired of living in American culture and dealing with most Americans in general. Getting tired of the attitudes, rudeness, sense of entitlement, and plain stupidity. Add on top of all that that I live in a state where you have a high amount of feminist, SJWs and soyboys and things kind of get unbearable. I can't tell you the amount of BS I have heard of people trying to get other people fired for simple opinions or guys getting accused of rape with no evidence while everyone believes the chick with , once again, no evidence at all. I actually have one of my co-workers who practically believes (hook, line, and sinker) that there are either no false allegations or very few at all. On top of that, at least from what I think DMSI has changed in me, I just have little time for head games in relationships and I notice lots of women around here play these which just turns me off big time.

The second thing that seems to be motivating this is related to something Thor had mentioned (btw Thor thanks for that encouraging PM you sent). Quite frankly my family members are controlling (mainly my mother) and don't respect me at all. My father is controlling but I don't have worry about him since hes in Texas and I haven't spoken to him in almost a year nor do I have any intentions of doing so. My mother though keeps on trying to exert control though whatever meaningless BS ways she can. With each version of DMSI it has been slowly removing this fear of her and I think she has noticed. I'm starting to resist her little games more and see them for what they are. I thought with finally chewing her out on my way back here she would have gotten the message to quit it but nope. Things were ok for a while but then she went right back to ways of trying to re-exert control over me and quite frankly I am not having it.

Funny how DMSI has made her manipulations so clear to me now whereas before I was just pretty submissive about the whole thing. Also, I was right about my prediction a few months ago about not getting paid back that money I spent on those flight tickets to make sure she got home safely along with my brother. After it was all said and done they just totally forgot about it and just put it on their "tab" which of course they never intend on paying back ever. It has become apparent to me that my family members are toxic (especially my mother) and I need to go out on my own (far from here) and cut these relationships off. They aren't benefiting me in anyway and are actually holding me back. I tried the putting my foot down and hoping the message would be received but it seems it has not. So I have no choice but to cut things off, of which I say good riddance. As a side note, I do have to thank Shannon for this. It was by using 3.2 which prompt me to go to the Philippines which then enabled me to meet a girl who actually does love me and cares for me. After experiencing that for once I was finally able to see that the people who supposedly love me really don't and don't seem to have my best interest at heart.

Now with that said, there is one last thing. I'm guessing this is the TID from 3.3 but its like I don't want to settle. The girl I'm still talking to is cute and highly sexual but now I've been getting these feelings that I want something even more. I seem to want the whole package of very hot but also caring and loving. The current girl is nice and all but its like I want to get the best woman I can. She is open to Threessome though so she might still be open to a polygyny relationship but we shall see. Not sure if this is TID from 3.3 or me trying to resist and mess everything I've gained up but its a feeling I've been getting more and more. I do think it might be TID though. I've noticed with each version of DMSI it has prompted me to grow to different levels each time and each time my preferences in the women I like have changed.

Either way this post is long enough as is. I will post again once something else has come up. Take all!

[DarthXedonias]

Wasn't going to update so soon but more of a personal thing happened that basically made my choice for me on what option I am going to go with in regards to what I said in the last post.

I will probably go with options 1 or 2 quite frankly because my tolerance for being here is pretty much shot. My mother once again tried to shame, guilt and emotionally manipulate me again. Its a constant thing where she has this constant impulse to shame and guilt people over the most ridiculous things. Its like she feels like gives her power over someone. I come home after getting something to eat and then she tried to say she wants to "talk" which every time she says that I know its code word for "I don't feel good about myself right now or something you did and I'm going to guilt, shame, and emotionally manipulate you for a bit to make myself feel better". What was my crime? I moved something that I had given my late step father at some little Shrine she had of him (which she hadn't even told anyone was a Shrine btw and doesn't even look like one).

She was so angry that I moved it and it hurt her "feelings" because it was one of the last things he touched (Which btw, it wasn't. He hadn't touched that thing in months before he passed). Oh but how does she not know this fact? Easy because she never paid attention to him that much when he was alive unless she wanted him to entertain her or to use all sorts of guilt, shame, fear, and emotional tactics on him. I will be honest, I really cant take her seriously. The reason being is she treated him like absolute shit while he was alive and had no respect for him at all (Granted I lost respect for him because he let her treat him like that). She literally made him sleep on the couch for years and probably towards the end only gave him pity sex like once or twice a year. Then all of a sudden after he died she "cared him for him so much". Mind you she kept on saying she missed her "friend" not husband this entire time.

Not to mention it was no secret how she treated him because at the funeral a lot of people on his side of the family were giving her dirty looks as if she caused his death. Which was true to a degree because she literally shamed him into working a long as he did because she wanted to keep living in one of the most "expensive cities" on the west coast. On top of that once she got his retirement and his life insurance (like 70K lump sum) did she do anything good with it? Nope, I told her to just move to another state and by a decent house or pay off the portion of a good house but nope didn't want to listen. She wanted to stay in near this expensive city and wanted to stay here for the memories. She also spent it on useless shit that she didn't need or give some of it to every family member that had a sob story. Months later after the money is used up she then goes, "I don't like living here anymore. Its too expensive". I wanted to slap my forehead right then and there for her stupidity.

I'm just done now. This woman has nothing to offer me but more shame, guilt, fear, and emotional manipulation to make herself feel better. She also is just plain incompetent with money. Also, every time she makes a bad decision it isn't her fault, its either the nearest "white person" or "man's" fault. Never her own. I'm just going to finish my TEFL course this week or so, get the online job, work my butt off to pay off any debts I owe, save money, then go through with options 1 or 2 because I can't deal with this insanity much longer. She can go try that emotional manipulation crap with someone else or stay alone for all I care. I'm going to cut out all the toxicity out of my life and be done with it already. I'm just going to take Thor's advice and move out as soon as possible.

Either way, sorry for the sort of rant but I do think it gives a better idea of my current situation right now and gives more idea of one of my reasons to move far away from here. Wish I had done this sooner to be honest, but my options were very limited in the past or I just dragged my feet which is why I didn't have these options sooner. For now, I think I'm just going to aim to move out of the country by sometime in October. Latest will probably be November but I hope it won't be that late. Anyway, you guys take care!

[Shannon]

For you to have made it even this far with the shit you've had to deal with, I have to give you a standing ovation, man! Keep going.

[DarthXedonias]

For you to have made it even this far with the shit you've had to deal with, I have to give you a standing ovation, man! Keep going.

Thanks Shannon I actually needed that encouragement. I won't lie part of me is sort of scared about this. If I finish my TEFL certificate and go the go to China route (where no one really speaks English unlike the Philippines) I will be in a foreign culture mostly by myself with no one to have my back. Will need to stand on my own 2 legs for the foreseeable future. Though I know this is the right decision. I need to get as far away from here as possible and cut off contact because I getting nothing of value from keeping these relationships.

On another note, there was another big reason I wanted to reply and I think it might interest you. Though you might not be able to make sense of it since you haven't even started working on 3.3 yet. I definitely had TID today from 3.3, no question about it. It was quite interesting. It was quite average day at first but I notice something at first when I certain customer showed up. She looked pretty average to me but when I saw her I had this type of energetic type feeling and took notice of her. I kind of wondered what that was about and thought it was TID then kind of ignored her afterwards and went about doing my work.

When things started to really hit me upside the head was when this one short Latina co-worker with a very nice rear end showed up to work. Nothing at first but I soon notice I started to obsessively notice her then when she was doing some work and had her back to me constantly. I looked at her butt then out of no where I felt something I hadn't felt since about version 3.01. On 3.01 when I noticed or saw a woman I liked I would instantly have this shock like feeling in my stomach area. This kept on increasing every time I would look away then look back. I also noticed my heart rate started getting faster and I started to feel warm.

I also noticed that , like Mr.Anderson, I started to feel myself getting drained a little. I didn't start to feel dizzy or light headed but I did feel myself go into a daze for a few seconds like I was staring out into space. Right after that I felt a little bit of hunger. I notice every time she would pass by me after that or I would even look at her rear end I could feel this energy slightly come off my forearms and move somewhat in the direct she was going. Another important thing was that I noticed a feeling I would get on 3.1. This feeling that something is "happening" and I would feel like something was going on in the back of my head. I don't know what but I could feel something really happening in my mind that I consciously couldn't understand.

There was another woman who was there who I see as "ok". She a decent person and is "sort" of cute but I don't have much interest in. We usually only talk for a few seconds or so. Today for the first time we actually stood and had a good, free flowing conversation for a good hour by ourselves. I did notice for some odd reason I sort of would give a full head to toe type glance every once a while and started feeling a "little" bit more attraction. Lastly there was a third girl there who I haven't really talked to and she is somewhat good looking with a somewhat good looking rear end. For the first time out of no where she asked me about my eyes (I wear green colored contacts now) and kept on staring at me with intensity while she was asking me this. As I was leaving worked I passed by her and she asked if I was leaving. I said yes then she said "byyyyeee" in a very flirty way.

Now for the things in regard to stuff trying to come in the way. I noticed something particular with the fear reaction. I noticed at times while this was all going on the fear would start to build up but then once it got to some unacceptable level it was like someone would pull the drain and the fear would drain out of my mind to a much lower level. That happened every time the fear seem to build up to a certain level. The last thing I noticed was that though it wasn't as loud I noticed part of my mind was frustrated. Like it didn't want to do these things yet it had no choice in the matter. I think that probably had something to do with my needing to be in control.

Either way, I thought you might find this interesting even though you haven't started on 3.3 yet. I am hopeful about this since on 3.2 I couldn't feel the aura at all unlike on 3.01 and 3.1. I assume that is because I was in "I don't care" mode all the time so the aura had no reason to activate at all.