DMSI 3.2 it's official

[Shannon]

So it's interesting how ever since I started DMSI my life has been steadily improving, yet it feels like it's getting worse. Recently my job responsibilities have grown and despite handling the tasks given to me I'm convinced I can't do it. This caused feelings of wanting to leave the job as I was "unhappy". But the unhappiness was really a clever rationalization for being afraid of pushing my comfort zone and taking on more challenges. The irony was when I didn't have as many challenges in the job I was getting restless, but I also didn't want challenges because I was afraid of failing. The more I push towards success, the more it seems part of me wants to just sabotage all of it in favor of "safety". Unfortunately my idea of safety is unemployed and never leaving the house. That's not an option, so I wish my subconscious would stop attempting to bring that about.

Along with that is my music. I've gotten better, but all I see is stuff I don't like. There's boundaries and challenges I have to push with that too. My subconscious response? Let's just stop working on music and binge watch a tv show instead. I don't feel particularly good doing that, but I don't feel particularly good making music either at the moment. So everything kind of just sucks.

And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.

It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.

Now Mat, what beliefs underlie that choice of actions by your subconscious? Can you find out?

[mat422]

So it's interesting how ever since I started DMSI my life has been steadily improving, yet it feels like it's getting worse. Recently my job responsibilities have grown and despite handling the tasks given to me I'm convinced I can't do it. This caused feelings of wanting to leave the job as I was "unhappy". But the unhappiness was really a clever rationalization for being afraid of pushing my comfort zone and taking on more challenges. The irony was when I didn't have as many challenges in the job I was getting restless, but I also didn't want challenges because I was afraid of failing. The more I push towards success, the more it seems part of me wants to just sabotage all of it in favor of "safety". Unfortunately my idea of safety is unemployed and never leaving the house. That's not an option, so I wish my subconscious would stop attempting to bring that about.

Along with that is my music. I've gotten better, but all I see is stuff I don't like. There's boundaries and challenges I have to push with that too. My subconscious response? Let's just stop working on music and binge watch a tv show instead. I don't feel particularly good doing that, but I don't feel particularly good making music either at the moment. So everything kind of just sucks.

And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.

It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.

Now Mat, what beliefs underlie that choice of actions by your subconscious? Can you find out?

I'll do my best Shannon. As far as I can tell right now this all stems from my massive fear of people I've had since I was younger. The closer I get to success all around, not just women, the more I'll have to interact and let other people into my life. Which I guess in my mind is more chance of rejection or my flaws being exposed. I guess there might be some self worth issues there still. But possibly I'm not moving on from them because if I did I'd be forming relationships with people more and opening myself to the possibility of being hurt. Basically it feels like I know what the barrier is and what's been holding me back, but it doesn't feel safe to remove it. When I think about it it feels like the negatives of it far outweigh the positives. It feels like a self preservation thing and it's more of a gamble than a positive outcome. As ridiculous as that sounds.

I'll have to keep digging to see what else comes up. I'm definitely hitting on a lifelong issue thing here.

[Kol]

Im resonating enormously with that last post. Something that hits way close home. Your journal has cleared up things for me I couldnt place. Thank you for the value matt.

[mat422]

Im resonating enormously with that last post. Something that hits way close home. Your journal has cleared up things for me I couldnt place. Thank you for the value matt.

Glad to be of help. Hope it causes some major shifts for you.

---

I was at work today and realized I was struggling with a lot of anxiety. No wonder I'm always tired at the end of the day. Thoughts like "you can handle this stuff, but it's only going to get harder and eventually you'll fail and be fired". I honestly wasn't aware of that kind of thinking for the longest time and now that I'm addressing it work is a lot less stressful.

Along with that I realized that I was trying to remove anxiety through purely physical means, but neglecting the mental aspect. I'd do deep breathing, muscle relaxation, but my mind still raced. I was addressing the symptoms and not the cause. Along with that was this fake tiredness that often hit me. This urge to detach and let go. The thing about detaching is the anxiety is still there when you come back, the same problems that bother you aren't resolved. I've realized I haven't been doing enough to change this stuff. I just kept giving up at slightest sign of resistance and trying to run away from it.

It really hit me today that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll never change. The irony of trying to get out of the way of DMSI to work but consequently getting more in the way because I'm resisting doing anything myself. Why? That's the question. Maybe deep down somewhere I wanted something else to change me, something with more authority, something to make decisions for me and fix my life. But that's my job, to be my own authority and have full control over my life choices. It's been said before that subliminals are a tool or a set of instructions. It's important to really get that, otherwise you deny your own capabilities and keep looking for that power outside yourself.

By no means does this override my subconscious resistance. Maybe one day we'll get to the point where it isn't a battle. But for now it's important for me to be mindful and to exercise free will instead of being influenced by whatever resistance pops up.

[mat422]

Something that still trips me up. I'll sometimes think that I'm actively avoiding resistance by not falling for any tricks, but then it turns out I'm just resisting what dmsi is trying to get me to do. It's like I have this mentality of not giving in that I think is pushing me forward when really it's holding me back. I can't accurately describe it but it's really confusing. It feels like I'm overcoming obstacles and pushing past fear, but it's really just me fighting against the script. Possibly fighting against what the healing is bringing up.

This could be a result of my very long struggle with depression in my life. I got really good at pushing myself. When I was tired, feeling weak, or like I just needed to rest I never gave myself an opportunity to do that. I stayed busy, I pushed, I didn't acknowledge what I was feeling. I think I'm dealing with that now except DMSI is guiding me towards facing these things and it won't take no for an answer. But I'm getting in the way by insisting I don't need to face this stuff or thinking it's an illusion and I'm further along than I am.

What I've realized is you can be fully aware of emotional issues and behaviors, but that doesn't make them go away. In fact if you become too detached and start actively hating them or distancing yourself from them problems arise. Those issues exist within yourself and when you deny them, feel ashamed of them, or refuse to believe they effect you, you're denying a part of yourself. For all my insight, self awareness, and growth over the years I'm still painfully out of touch with my own emotions and what I feel. I guess when you struggle for a long portion of your life you just kind of start assuming whatever you struggle with doesn't matter. You put it in a box somewhere in the back of your mind and it gnaws away at you, but outwardly things look alright or that your life is improving.

[Shannon]

So it's interesting how ever since I started DMSI my life has been steadily improving, yet it feels like it's getting worse. Recently my job responsibilities have grown and despite handling the tasks given to me I'm convinced I can't do it. This caused feelings of wanting to leave the job as I was "unhappy". But the unhappiness was really a clever rationalization for being afraid of pushing my comfort zone and taking on more challenges. The irony was when I didn't have as many challenges in the job I was getting restless, but I also didn't want challenges because I was afraid of failing. The more I push towards success, the more it seems part of me wants to just sabotage all of it in favor of "safety". Unfortunately my idea of safety is unemployed and never leaving the house. That's not an option, so I wish my subconscious would stop attempting to bring that about.

Along with that is my music. I've gotten better, but all I see is stuff I don't like. There's boundaries and challenges I have to push with that too. My subconscious response? Let's just stop working on music and binge watch a tv show instead. I don't feel particularly good doing that, but I don't feel particularly good making music either at the moment. So everything kind of just sucks.

And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.

It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.

Now Mat, what beliefs underlie that choice of actions by your subconscious? Can you find out?

I'll do my best Shannon. As far as I can tell right now this all stems from my massive fear of people I've had since I was younger. The closer I get to success all around, not just women, the more I'll have to interact and let other people into my life. Which I guess in my mind is more chance of rejection or my flaws being exposed. I guess there might be some self worth issues there still. But possibly I'm not moving on from them because if I did I'd be forming relationships with people more and opening myself to the possibility of being hurt. Basically it feels like I know what the barrier is and what's been holding me back, but it doesn't feel safe to remove it. When I think about it it feels like the negatives of it far outweigh the positives. It feels like a self preservation thing and it's more of a gamble than a positive outcome. As ridiculous as that sounds.

I'll have to keep digging to see what else comes up. I'm definitely hitting on a lifelong issue thing here.

I believe that you are following in my footsteps. I believe, based on what you are writing, that as it was for me, the core of your issue is the belief that you have no intrinsic value in and of yourself.

Here is why I say that.

When I started providing my own self approval and self esteem and self respect, validation and self confidence, genuinely, I stopped caring what other people thought of me or my actions beyond being polite and not screwing up my business.

In other words, if someone else disagrees with me, whatever. It does nothing to devalue my beliefs. If someone thinks I look stupid riding around on my electric unicycle wearing all the (admittedly dorky looking) safety gear (for example) I don't care. I do not need their validation or approval. I am doing what I am doing for reasons that are valid and reasonable for me, and they can take it or leave it.

This state came about for me because I grew into it, but it took me several runs of AM and also a lot of being hurt, used, taken advantage of and abused by my ex's. It eventually came to the point where I had the choice of, die trying to keep going that way, or admit that I was too valuable to deserve to be treated that way and leave that reality behind.

I think you are dealing with a similar situation; somewhere deep down inside, you believe that you are worthless. Now you need to determine why that is and what that belief is based on.

Because once you truly have self validation, you are much harder for others to hurt. See the truth is, they can't hurt you; it looks like they do, it feels like they do, but what is really happening is that they do X, and you run subconscious script X, which says, "If Other Person does X, interpret it as meaning Y and do Z."

Replace X with whatever they "do to hurt you", Y with some damaging conclusion and Z with HURTING YOURSELF to make the prophecy self fulfilling that X causes Z.

X does not cause Z. What causes Z is the script being executed. You executing that script. YOU HURTING YOURSELF BY EXECUTING THAT SCRIPT.

Choose not to execute that script, and there is no Z in response to X, and X does not connect to Y either!

I learned this by watching my friend Shawn go through all of the exact same shit I went through, and be unaffected. I was crying, taking things personally, "being hurt", etc. while staying in dry dock with the girls. He was laughing and verbally turning things on the people who were actually trying to hurt him, and generally getting laid because he didn't care.

Same experience, but totally different results, because we had different responses. I teased out over time that his response was to not execute the script I was executing. Then I taught myself not to execute it, and now I get similar results.

Self esteem, self respect, self worth, self validation. Provide those for yourself and what others think and do does not hurt.

WHY do you believe you have no value, Mat?

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I've long suspected this is my core issue, but it's good to hear outside perspective. I guess I've been tip toeing around the issue. The thing is for me since I have that low self worth I tend to reject attempts to raise it.It's been a vicious cycle where I try to give myself validation but then because of the worthlessness I feel I don't deserve it. To be honest I probably haven't been diligent enough in reinforcing my own self worth. It's wavered between "nah you're over thinking this" to "why should you feel good about who you are?"

It's like it doesn't feel right to validate myself or my worth. I need to have a why. But intrinsic self worth doesn't really have a why, it just is. And I think that's why it's so hard to get myself on board.

[Benjamin]

Love that post Shannon, I was thinking of that not long ago after reading an article. This article goes into similar things.. definately a very good read.

http://arikoinuma.com/blog/2008/07/low-s...-problems/

[Shannon]

Thanks Shannon. I've long suspected this is my core issue, but it's good to hear outside perspective. I guess I've been tip toeing around the issue. The thing is for me since I have that low self worth I tend to reject attempts to raise it.It's been a vicious cycle where I try to give myself validation but then because of the worthlessness I feel I don't deserve it. To be honest I probably haven't been diligent enough in reinforcing my own self worth. It's wavered between "nah you're over thinking this" to "why should you feel good about who you are?"

It's like it doesn't feel right to validate myself or my worth. I need to have a why. But intrinsic self worth doesn't really have a why, it just is. And I think that's why it's so hard to get myself on board.

This ties into one of the things I have been telling you guys for a long time. You can choose to set your sense of self worth according to what others think, or according to what you think.

If this is true, then you can set it anywhere on a scale of 0 to 100%. Why would you set it at anything but high when anything else is self defeating and self destructive?

I'm not saying you should become an arrogant ass over it. I'm saying, be healthy! Value yourself. Care about yourself. Love yourself. Treat yourself well. Take care of yourself!

Think about it this way. What if thew way you think about yourself and value yourself right now was how you were to value other people? Would you be asking "Why should I value them at all?"

When you say these things to yourself, try considering it from a different perspective like that.

But we aren't any closer to answering the question... why do you believe you have no value?

[mat422]

I honestly don't know. It's possible I just believe it because I've told myself over and over again. Are you asking me to discover some root cause? Or more pointing me in the direction that I only have low self worth because I believe it's the truth?

[Shannon]

I'm asking...

Why is that the state in which you find yourself? What is the impetus for you to believe and insist you have no value? Why is that what your subconscious wants to believe?

[mat422]

I'm asking...

Why is that the state in which you find yourself? What is the impetus for you to believe and insist you have no value? Why is that what your subconscious wants to believe?

Ok I understand now. I have to do some digging to find out. I was looking for a cause instead of an explanation for why I hold onto this persistent belief.

Your post before about execution of the wrong script is starting to make more sense to me.

[mat422]

So I don't know if this is the answer, but for most of my life I've been afraid. Most of my fears seem ridiculous or stupid and that's why I feel like I have no worth. Instead of my fears being something to overcome, I viewed them as an indication of how worthless and incompetent I was. I've never been ok with the idea of being afraid or showing myself understanding for it. It's always been this thing that hangs over my head and I feel I have to hide. I always felt everyone else could live their life and do things more easily than me and it made me feel defective in some way. So basically fear became the trigger for feeling worthless. But they fed off each other. The more worthless I felt, the more I feared people getting to know me, and the more fear I felt the more worthless I felt about the fear.

The solution seems to be starting to understand that fear doesn't mean I'm worthless or incapable. It's just a problem that needs to be solved and I shouldn't feel bad about having these struggles in my life no matter how ridiculous it might seem compared to other people.

[Tigerismyspirit]

So I don't know if this is the answer, but for most of my life I've been afraid. Most of my fears seem ridiculous or stupid and that's why I feel like I have no worth. Instead of my fears being something to overcome, I viewed them as an indication of how worthless and incompetent I was. I've never been ok with the idea of being afraid or showing myself understanding for it. It's always been this thing that hangs over my head and I feel I have to hide. I always felt everyone else could live their life and do things more easily than me and it made me feel defective in some way. So basically fear became the trigger for feeling worthless. But they fed off each other. The more worthless I felt, the more I feared people getting to know me, and the more fear I felt the more worthless I felt about the fear.

The solution seems to be starting to understand that fear doesn't mean I'm worthless or incapable. It's just a problem that needs to be solved and I shouldn't feel bad about having these struggles in my life no matter how ridiculous it might seem compared to other people.

You pretty much summed up my life situation as well, mat. I feel like I resonate with you the most in terms of life experiences.