A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

I can't say I really know what should be different, not really knowing what's gone into it. But I still stick to the whole 'gender neutral' stuff being a very bad idea. It's also seemed to have caused other issues fucking my head up because of that whole thing which has lead me to conclude that it's unhealthy having it that way just to include more people.

At this point I just want to stop and get it out of my head. My thought last night is that DMSI has dragged me through hell for little result, continually stuck to it through this big intensity many times hoping it would breakthrough yet it hasn't.

Still got pain in my temple today, not that noticable just sitting here but if I bend over and my head is hanging, or if I move a bit fast it hurts. I'm even a bit scared to do my mindfulness stuff today after yesterday as if that crazy reaction I had happened after then it may have triggered it.

The other thing that I forgot convieniently because I got caught up in my old pattern again, is that girls shouldn't be my priority now and even to fully achieve the goals of DMSI i'd have to not live where I am because of the lack of opportunities, and for that I need to have money in order which is one of my worst areas. But I forgot that again, got obsessed with girls again especially switching back to B though it was only meant to be for the month.. I still got caught up in it.

Frustration and desperation reached a massive level last night. I couldn't sleep for hours and was getting so frustrated and desperate for girls. Interestingly today i'm confused because I woke up barely even caring.

I had a few thoughts of using that desperation and rechannel it into dealing with money so that I can move somewhere better. I understand it's not healthy using that kind of thing to motivate me and drive myself to move somewhere just for girls. But maybe it will help a bit.

I am thinking of trying Universal Detox briefly, as it will continue the healing I assume but not make me obsessed with girls, part of DMSIs motivation seems to do that and back you into a corner to motivate you to go and get sex, well increasing my frustration and baggage around that so much that I beat myself up more like I always have isn't actually useful for me especially being limited by the environment. If I was somewhere bigger then i'd likely have slept with one girl atleast from online just because I could send out way more messages.

Plus UD might also help with a health issue that i've mostly got in check but comes up every now and then. I thought of using MHS for it, but UD should help with the detox and also with the emotional part. But not many people are reporting on it so I don't really know how suited it is for emotional healing like i'm wanting.

[Benjamin]

Holy fuck... what this guy says about the gym and hoping it will help with the pain inside by getting big and strong is spot on. And it also explains a bit why sometimes I go through healing and start losing motivation and focus at the gym.. like it's being driven by the old insecurity sometimes.



I will likely get back into Somatic Experiencing again soon, or some Bioenergetics. Though with Bioenergetics I can only do skype sessions as there's nobody around here, and i'm not sure how effective that would be.

[Benjamin]

Fuck.. no idea what this is. Went to the gym and just doing some light box jumps the side of my head started to hurt and throb a bit.

Did my warmup for squats and noticed the light through the fan more than I ever have which was weird, then I was talking to the gym instructor about it and noticed my head started to get cloudy.

Just doing light stuff was having that effect so I decided it was best not to do my proper workout, if I added weight to squats it would have just got worse.

That's fucked, i've NEVER walked out of the gym not completing a workout. But after how yesterday was and noticing little elements of it I thought it was for the best. I left and was feeling scared, which makes me wonder if it's something emotional bringing it on.

Sensetivity to light is another migraine symptom, but i've never had one in my life and for it to suddenly come on after doing emotional clearing yesterday.. WTF. If it stays around I guess i'll have to goto the doctor, but I fucking hate doctors and they have continually proven themselves to be mostly useless.

[Benjamin]

I've written a little bit of it, I don't really feel like expanding more right now because though it's all truthful it'll just come across as whinging and negativity.

But there's no point me continuing another 3 weeks just to reach the date I initially decided.

Again today was the whole feeling of 'Oh something could just be about to break through' but i've felt that enough times and not really got a breakthrough to realize if it hasn't happened in like 9 months of listening it won't suddenly happen now. It's more than enough time to give it a chance, at this point there's no running away, there's just realizing it's not getting me there.

So goodbye DMSI.

Not sure what's next, most likely continuing some of the other healing methods i'm doing while taking a break from subliminals.

End of DMSI Wednesday 13/9/17.

[Have at ye]

Good luck! Do report on anything potentially bloom-related, though.

I've had a similar experience with those not-quite-migraine-but-sorta things you've been describing. It is most probably related to something the sub is doing/resistance/and-or the ASS-ART kicking in. F. in. last week I got irked by something my ex texted me, and for about an hour afterwards I was like: "why the hell am I seeing double?", somewhat jittery and quite irritable.

[Benjamin]

Yeah I will if there's anything.

Mine was pretty intense yesterday, hand numb, tongue a bit numb, just felt out of it, alot of bluriness in my vision, what they call an 'aura' like spots in the vision, uneasy on my feet a bit.

If it's an emotional reaction then it's the craziest emotional reaction i've ever had and i've not had anything close to it. Though now that i'm thinking about it i'm starting to feel a little sick and emotional, fear and like I want to cry which may tell me that it is indeed something emotional. If so it's one of the deepest things in a while to have such crazy physical reactions.

I hope I can connect with what's coming up now to work with tomorrow, as I need to goto bed for now.

[ReeZoX]

Feeling like I've come out on the other side of the tunnel, I'd choose to stick with DMSI. It is quite an amazing program, regardless if it achieves the end goal yet or not.

[Benjamin]

It did have it's benefits, such as especially on the good days almost every single girl i'd talk to at the gym or who served me in shops was happy to talk, compared to before.

But it was just that they were smiley and friendly. It's not like they were actually hitting on me or making it extremely obvious, just more friendly than before.

Last night I woke up scared that being off DMSI I might not get that. But in a way it was meaningless 'approval' that didn't lead to anything much. And this is where as i've mentioned before in some ways DMSI may buy into a "I'm not good enough without this aura" instead of legitimately moving you to a place where you KNOW you're good enough and such. Because the aura/energy flooding is temporary, so personally i'm not sure I like that idea and stopping using it if that's what's doing most of that then it might be disallusioning.

WM for example didn't have the energy flooding but there was some great reactions from girls.

Unfortunately DMSI didn't move me to a place where I can handle and be okay with whatever reaction I get, in some ways it may make that harder when the energy flooding fades a bit because I got used to more good reactions to a point.

It would be more useful to move at the identity level instead of energy flooding. Well I guess it has some of that already, but I can't say i've seen much evidence of that working.

In the end it was mainly better reactions, but only to a point, hope and more hope, seeming like something is happening but not really happening in the end.

[Benjamin]

Brief thoughts after first night of not listening. I had the best sleep i've had in a very long time.

I woke up feeling weird, insecure, anxious. But after not long that went into a relaxation. That didn't stick around.

But the general feeling is I feel like alot of pressure has been taken off. Which brings a thought of some feedback.

For me it seems, DMSI.. especially B may be too forceful. And it just ends up in an anger/frustration/fuck this response.. wanting to rage and alot of it being turned internally.. instead of actually going towards the goals.

Forcefulness tends to have the opposite effect for me than getting me to do things.

[Benjamin]

Fuck... been really hungry today. First felt the burning feeling around my eyes which is usually a sign of excess energy, then been way more hungry.

Makes me think the aura might be kicking in. But I went down the street and felt by far the worst, insecure and least confident i've been in ages and basically felt like I was repelling girls.

So far the 'bloom' is making me feel really hungry and horrible.

[ReeZoX]

The way I've been using B is to execute the bloom part of A and make me just "push through" everything. I've found using B is like taking down the stone wall in front of you. But that can be really f*cking painful if you just rip down the whole wall, A takes down the stones one by one. B just pulls the damn thing down.

So I let A "take down" say half of the wall and then B to rip down the rest.

Hunger for me kicks in when I'm clearing something, which usually then also goes hand in hand with feeling crappy.

[Benjamin]

B definately is full on.. a bit too much for me. Maybe I 'could' have had things happen in a few more weeks, though my set date to finish was the 4th of next month anyway.

But it is pretty intense. Hmm I thought hunger was more when the aura was projecting more, but if that was the case I wouldn't have felt so shit today maybe.

The other thing I don't know if i've mentioned, the last month or so i've consistently been horny a little more, had more wet dreams than in ages which made me think I was executing a little more than before. But not much past that.

I was curious and was looking through my posts and it seems 2.4 though I only used it like once I think, had the most obvious 'being hit on' stuff. But it was also frustrating in that they were very obvious, and sexual but then it amounted to nothing. But it still seemed way closer than 3.1 is where it's just girls are more friendly and smiling but I haven't noticed them obviously hitting on me.

Version 1 I didn't have a journal for, I think I only used it once too. I wrote a post somewhere but don't remember where.

The past versions seem more powerful in the sexual attraction way, being hit on obviously but seemed to miss the 'comfort' in that they seemed to blow themselves out in the end and it wouldn't go anywhere. 3.1 seems weaker on the sexual attraction but better on the comfort, due to the way most girls have been friendly and happy to talk on it. And going through some older posts it seems more people got laid on earlier versions and also hit on more obviously.

[Benjamin]

The advantage of these is it was when I was doing security which makes me more comfortable and more confident. But still those reactions aren't typical. Looks like I only done V1 and V2.4 once. It would have been good to see them after a bit more time.

This shit was pretty fucking obvious reading it now, can't say i've had anything similar with 3.1. I'm curious how it would go trying one of them again, but that would just be to have some sex in the short term and take me away from what I need to do which is deal with other things and let go of the obsession I put on sex so much. Fuck I don't know, maybe since I finished 3.1 before my planned date I might briefly.

V1.

Ended up going to work and found out I wasn't working, but I was there talking to a mate and then they said "it's a bit busy do you want to work anyway". So that's good cos I was going to go home. Staying got me to see what AOSI potentially could do.

Before all that, I used to have this weird fear based response when I was going out to clubs to meet girls and was nervous where I kept feeling like I needed to goto the toilet, well this kicked in strong tonight more than in ages. Some of it may be that I was actually nervous that it was going to be a big night (well before the djs cancelled) but I feel some of it was from AOSI.. specifically related to some fear around sex. Because I actually realized when I used to experiment with the aphrodesiac programs i'd get a fear response where I actually felt MORE nervous around girls but the occasional time it would be awesome and it worked well.. mostly it caused more fear. Shannon said it must be some fear around sex when it happened back then.

At first I didn't feel that comfortable, in fact I felt like I was actually repelling girls fully, like i'd say stuff to them and be ignored and just felt weird and uncomfortable. And here's the weird thing, as soon as I was asked to work instantly I felt more confident and comfortable and relaxed (just in the mind going to a position of power I guess) then things seemed to happen a little.

Actually before that when I was feeling uncomfortable this girl seemed to be staring over out the door tons. And when I walked past later seemed to make some motion at her friend towards me but I don't know cos after that I noticed nothing.

So after I officially was 'on the job'. A group come in and were standing out the front. One girl started talking to me, apparently I went to school with her.. she was so friendly.. touching me heaps, hugged me twice cos she said something and i'm like "do you want a hug" and she really seemed to enjoy it, kept talking to me heaps. Got annoyed when I said an offhand comment about people being like "I went to school with you let me in for free" and was like "I hope you don't think that's me" which I didn't but it was funny her reaction. Then she didn't talk to me a bit.

Weird was she seemed to come with a guy. A bit later she talked to me more and went inside and i'm like "don't start a fight or i'll restrain you" and she said "ooh well i'd enjoy that". But ended up leaving with the same dude she come in with and seemed to have a wedding/engagement ring (I have no ***** idea what finger they go on cos I always forget).

Then there was this girl sitting on a chair by herself that seemed to keep staring and when I looked back I got a weird vibe and look from her.

There was also a girl who I met at the gym with a guy he know. From what I could read he was really into her and she wasn't. In fact she kept trying to start the conversation with me while ignoring him for ages. I wasn't going to do anything there with him there but maybe if I see her at the gym again. Though something is strange about her, the gym instructor said she has aspergers and I noticed something weird tonight more than I did at the gym.

So I dind't feel a huge difference and it's not like all these girls were looking at me, but I did feel a difference in the girls I did talk to and how they were acting.

The last one was a girl i've known for years just from her going out when i've been working. She always talks to me a little but tonight she did heaps, standing really close but I didn't think anything of it as I had no success in the past when I went for her number.

But when we were closing she was talking to me out the front, standing really close to me, touching me. Kept asking "what are you doing now" and I suggested she come inside the pub again but she made weird excuses. Now that I think about it I should have asked if she wanted a lift home as it kind of had a bit more of that vibe than "come in and hang around longer". And one thing that stood out is a few times at something I said she was kind of shocked at (like a story or whatever) she exclaimed "**** me!" after she did it twice and how she did it.. I was like "what the hell.. is that a hint" and nearly was like "oh **** you hey" but I didn't.

She sat down near her sister and a guy and she's like "oh my feet hurt" and actually reached out and grabbed my hand. Then she put her head on me and I tapped her like "there there" and she kind of went weird like "why are you going there there" then I sat next to her and even after all that i'm like "**** is she keen" but after all her touching and stuff, when I touched her leg she moved away a little, then she was talking about back tattoos and I put my hand on her back and she got up and walked over to her other friends.

I have no ***** idea, because her grabbing my hand, standing so close and everything seemed so obvious.

But what Shannon said seems to stand out in that if you have this sexual kind of vibe they are attracted to but then if you are unconfident, doubtful and unsure of yourself they will feel weird and avoid you.

And that seems to be what happened. I was okay before that but at the point I thought "oh this is happening, gotta make a move" I started to feel uncomfortable, the conversation went weird and she walked off.

But anyway, it was definately a difference these interactions with these 2 girls seemingly hitting on me, touching me heaps.. which doesn't usually happen.

And **** me (haha) after that little taste my prediction is true.. I so want to do AOSI way, way more now.

But the initial fear response combined with when it potentially got close to something happening the doubts really come up.. yes E2 is needed otherwise just as with WM when I get close to the success whatever this fear/truama/annoying bs thing is will just come up to derail things.

V2.4.

1 night of just 3 loops, and if this is a taste of DMSI 2.4 then i'm hooked. Though as I said with subliminals I straight away get these awesome results and see a taste then they seem to go until later on.

First is I think a missing link is something that is changed by me doing security, something around projection of authority and such. Which unfortunately if it's unisex that can't be done. Because I did have a couple of girls actually approach me. That happens very occasionally doing security, but not usually several in a night.

I just got home, but decided I wanted to relax and type up some stuff. But i'm tired so it may be hard to think.

The first big thing that others have mentioned is respect from guys. Met a few new guys through other people I know and got along with them better than usual. Though it also brought out some fuckheadedness from less secure guys I feel.

My confidence was definately higher than it has been for a while. Doing security does factor into that I admit but this was a little different. The girl who works security who isn't attractive at all was noticably more open and friendly to me. Which I guess is good, though she's ***** useless and doesn't know what to do if anything ever happens.

First when I got there a girl i've known since I was a kid was there. She's never done this before but she was full on all touchy, put her arm around me and seemed to be flirting more than usual. She isn't unattractive but she just doesn't do it for me. But it was interesting to note how touchy she was.

Some girls I said something to kind of ignored it and we're weird, including one I matched with on tinder a while ago. But the most interesting thing about that is that she is a little fat, but still attractive. But she reacted like that and the girls who come to talk to me tonight were highly attractive, way more than usually do stuff like this with me.

At the door one started talking to me, being pretty flirty. Can't remember many details in my tiredness.

The first notable one. I was standing with another security guy. Somehow this guy always has these girls all over him and hitting on him, but the weird thing is my mate who works with us tells me has a wife who is incredibly fat.. then he has all these sexy girls all over him and tells them he's taken.

So first these 2 girls come up to him talking about his muscles. I'm more muscular than him but I had a jacket on. I love this guy because unlike some insecure fuckheads he happily passes it on and says to one of them "what about his muscles" and I took one sleeve of my jacket off and flexed and she's like "wow yours are good too" and started talking to me and kept feeling up my arm and asking me questions. But then when her friend left she did too. I was joking around about superpowers and said her superpower is feeling me up and that my superpower is getting felt up by girls. (Hence the title of the journal)

I talked to her a few more times, after we had to physically remove a fuckhead I was going to her "oh my god where were you when we needed to restrain someone" and then I told her I may need to restrain her next and she put her arms behind her back and said "go ahead" and I pulled her hair and she got into it until her friend got upset and said something.

I told her i'd restrain her when I finished and she said ok, then I said "give me your number incase I can't find you" and she said she doesn't know it (PFFT). I grabbed her on the ass a few times too and she kept grabbing my arms. At the end of the night her friend was making out with a guy and she stood there looking cold. I said "I think you need a cuddle" and put my arm around her. Then i'm like "what are you doing now, stay back with me" then she's like "her mums here to pick us up" and left and i'm going to the guy "what the **** man" and he said "cockblocked by her mum" haha.

After that first one come up, I was standing inside and another girl come over and stood right next to me and stared at me, I think I said "hi" first automatically the way she looked at me. But it was full on her approaching me and it was pretty obvious. She asked how many layers I was wearing and actually put her hand down my shirt to see, and i'm like "you just wanted to feel up my chest" and she said "yeah" and a few minutes later I opened my jacket and i'm like "ok go ahead" and she kept feeling it up and put her hand up my shirt. And was very flirty and suggestive. She said she had to goto the bar and I got her number incase I didn't find her after.

I was talking to the first girl i've known for years, and this same girl come up and rubbed between my legs with her leg all suggestively. But went weird at this other girl being there, the other girl kept saying how 'bad' I was in a suggestive way. Thinking of it now the way she was touching me at the start of the night and how she was saying that it was like she was insinuating we had ***** and it scared her off which was annoying.

I messaged her near the end of the night. Then seen her standing there and talked to her more, pretending I was going to armlock her. She took her shoes off and was like "Ill show you a move" and this drunk guy was like "ok ok come over here and wrestle" and was going to people "ok im selling tickets to this fight". WTF. I said to her "I'll give you a cuddle instead" and put my arms around her and she put hers around me. I asked if she knew the guy as I thought they were friends, she didn't haha.

And I was like "What are you doing now" she said she had to find her friends and I told her "dont worry i'm more fun". Then this guy I know come in and like the biggest fuckard goes "Ben stop harassing girls" which I just ignored but she went weird and walked off. Then this idiot seriously said "I was helping you out" and I just said "**** off, you were cockblocking". Later on he asked for a lift.. **** no.

Then I was annoyed to see her walk out with another guy and leave with him with his arms around her. WTF.

Same old pattern of nights where this has happened in the past on occasion. Girls all over me when i'm doing security but when I try to close it they disappear. I was getting angry after it like "***** attention whores".

At the end of the night I was talking to a guy who used to work at the gym and his gf, and another girl who I tried to go on a date with years ago which was interrupted by her dad being angry was there and we were talking, turns out they were friends. He seemed to be hinting "when are you finishing" like he was trying to hook us up. But it's weird at this point i've known her so long and though we flirt a bit I can't really imagine ***** her anymore. So I kind of just let it go and went inside after a while.

One other girl is one who has liked me for years, but i've not had sex with due to several things that make it just not worth it. Well we used to flirt tons then she ignored me the last few times. This time she was full on, grabbing my ass, talking about how her friend said I have a nice ass, poking my chest, talking about anal sex. So much that her friend is like "oh my god you guys need a room and lube". I briefly considered ***** her but then come to my senses like "not worth it at all for the potential bs".

There may have been more, but i'm almost falling asleep so it's hard to think.

What I can say is I potentially made a mistake giving into the urge. Because honestly after the taste of tonight how the hell am I going to go back to E2. Right now after all that, I want to do DMSI 2.4 for a while and I probably will.

Several girls coming to talk to me, all highly attractive. Yes with security it happens at times, but not this many times to me in a night and definately not girls to this level of attractiveness.

But it leads me to think what I said at first that the projection of authority, being the man in charge, having the power.. whatever it is might be one of the missing links to actually get girls to approach. Sure they weren't like "oh lets have sex" which for some reason you guys are expecting and getting upset when it doesn't happen.

But coming and flirting and feeling me up, I don't need much else. If that happens regularly it's only a matter of time. And the awesome thing, I guess the autopilot was me being suggestive, grabbing them back a little, putting my arms around them and such... and also suggesting we do something after I finish. All awesome and felt natural and I did it without fear. If that's what DMSI was branded at initially, as dealing with the fear of talking to girls, making the move and whatever and caused things like this even if they aren't like "lets have sex". And it did it consistently and helped me to make the right moves on autopilot and have the confidence, i'd be happy.

I'm seeing alot of you guys like "Oh I went out and a girl didn't come up and ask me to bend her over and **** her right there so it's a failure".

Some of the problem there could the the initial premise of DMSI doing that and the marketing around having girls proposition you for sex.

Seriously if stuff that happened to me tonight happened regularly.. what more do you need. This is probably the most obvious girls are going to get, and it's just needed to take those opportunities.

[Benjamin]

I don't know what to say about the bloom. I mentioned it felt like the pressures off, but it seems like the way I was getting along with girls is quickly going downhill, plus insecurities are coming up more than in ages.

For a few days though after massive frustration one night I felt less needy and didn't care much. Asked a few girls out i've been talking to online but didn't go anywhere. There was one i'd been talking to that I met in a shoeshop, I decided I didn't really want to see her as she's fat and low quality. But she messaged me today as I said when I run into her last weekend I might go bowling. I thought 'oh fuck it" and suggested we meet sunday.

Now this is weird, as soon as I did that alot of deservingness i've been feeling in the last few days seemed to disappear, neediness for sex and such all come back. It's annoying because i'm like "can't I just fucking have some sex while i'm waiting for higher quality girls" seems not.. because it's like my mind goes "Oh you're just trying to be with her, a girl you don't really want just for sex, maybe you don't deserve the other ones you've been talking to."

Too coincidental timing how after I messaged her suggesting it how I started to feel like crap. And weirdly she didn't reply, but she usually replies in a day cos girls are weird. But I decided how I felt after sending it that i'll likely cancel on her if she says yes anyway.

And another woman messaged me first tonight on POF, and it was either the insecurities coming up after earlier, or DMSI wearing off only after 3 days.. but i've noticed alot of that already, or that i've been playing Divinity Original Sin 2 for hours. But I feel almost retarded in my answers and awkward talking, so much that I stopped even answering because I couldn't be bothered.

So in the apparent 'bloom' the little evidence I had of DMSI working is fading, the aura seems to be fading and such. There has been a few instances where with some girls it seemed to be fading then i'd come across a girl and something seemed to be there. Like when I come back into the gym after leaving my shirt, I talked to a girl sitting at the table and she was giggling in a weird way, then the girl who served me when I got coffee was asking me how often I goto the gym and such.

But mostly it seems like after only like 3 days most of it is fading.

The other weirdness from tonight could also be that when I was doing my mindfulness type healing work I come across something intense, a blockage that's come up in my body many times when staying with emotions and it come up pretty strongly today. So maybe that processing.

It's up and down so much. Earlier in the day felt pretty good, not needy, like one of these girls I would be with eventually. Then it all went downhilll and now needy, feeling like it won't happen with any of them and such.

So much for the healing and clearing I guess.