In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

Back to 2 loops of DMSI. I couldn't take it anymore. I experimented a bit, but I'm just sticking with 2. It's not that I couldn't handle the healing, it's that I couldn't handle the lack of cognitive ability. Yesterday I started getting really upset because I was trying to figure something out in my DAW and my brain just couldn't piece things together. Before I spiraled off into a super depressed state questioning my own intelligence and capabilities, I decided to cut back on the loops and see how I feel. I woke up this morning without that super tired feeling and I also felt like my head was clearer.

I was beating myself up for procrastinating these past few days when really it wasn't me procrastinating, I just quite simply didn't have the mental capacity for it. So every time I tried to do something it was incredibly stressful because my brain wasn't working right. I also realized that I have less anxiety after cutting back. I think what was happening is I kept thinking about all the stuff I needed to do and how I didn't have the energy to do it, so I got depressed and anxious because it felt like I was wasting time.

So the lesson learned here is it's not always resistance. Sometimes it's just a matter of taking on too much. Whether that was due to too much information input or too much emotional stuff being pulled up is still unclear. But I do know that 2 loops seems to be the best for me at this moment in time.

[mat422]

Had a whole post typed out, but then I realized it amounted to this. Life isn't fair. We all deal with different stuff. Instead of spending my time wondering why everyone else seems to have an easier time with stuff, I should focus on how I can improve what I can.

Going back to 4 loops tonight. After two days of two loops I realized that the internal pressure was off, but I was still miserable. I was miserable on 6 loops and more tired, but I was moving forward. Trying to avoid whatever it was that DMSI was bringing up isn't the answer. I just need to find the sweet spot for me. I was blaming DMSI for my procrastination and inability to focus, but after taking a break from the 6 loops I realized it's still there. Still the same old bad habits, just slightly less tired. The reason I'm going back to 4 instead of 6 is because 6 left me really spacey, forgetful, and inattentive. Since I'm starting a new job soon I can't have that, despite what benefits may come from the healing.

Feels like after I went back to two the resistance kicked back in and now my subconscious is urging me to get back on 4 to stay on track. Do I want to do it? No not really, if I'm honest. It's like I know what's gonna happen if I go back to 4, I'm gonna face my fears and I'm going to keep pushing forward and that scares the crap out of me. But I've ran from most things in my life so the least I can do is face the internal stuff and fight through it.

It's just been really rough. I waver between look how much I've accomplished. And look how much I've accomplished for my ego. Especially with my music. I made a track I'm pretty happy with, but old habits die hard and I found myself elevating how great the track was compared to others. And I do this because it's easier for me to put down others stuff and feel good about my own instead of facing the more objective observation that my music still needs massive improvement in several different areas. Of course I also hold onto that validation through my music because I still base my self worth on it, but that's an issue DMSI has to clear and I think that's what it was getting to these past few days and I chickened out because it hurt so bad.

Also for a bit of humor. The other day I almost brushed my teeth with liquid hand soap. Had the little dispenser and I squirt that on my toothbrush instead actual toothpaste.

[dissonance]

What DAW do you use, and what genre do you produce? Also how old are you?

[mat422]

I use reaper. I experiment with all different genres. Hip hop, house, dnb, ambient, dubstep, anything really except big room lol. I'm 26.

[mat422]

After getting back on 4 loops I've been having some realizations. I lack good connections with people, not just women. I have trouble getting into a flow state unless I really trust someone. Most of my mental energy seems to go into analyzing people and strategizing what I'm going to say instead of just saying it. All of it is a way to prevent some perceived outcome that I'd consider undesirable.

At this point it just feels like I keep isolating myself to avoid the things I fear, but it makes me deeply unhappy. And I keep making the mistake of thinking I just need to close myself off and wait till the healing makes me good enough.

I think the worst thing I ever did was convince myself that I'm better off on my own and to refuse opening up to people. I can't live like this anymore and I want to change it.

[dissonance]

Lol nice, I'm 26 too. Are you a virgin like me?

[mat422]

Lol nice, I'm 26 too. Are you a virgin like me?

Yup lol

[dissonance]

Cheers lol

[mat422]

So one thing that I've learned is asking why is good to get to the source of a problem. But it shouldn't turn into this inward journey to find out every little thing that might have influenced me over the years.

I'm still not fully executing dmsi and pushing to execute is pointless. My fears just don't follow any sort of rationality. It's not that they are impossible to remove or get to, but it's more like I have to learn through exposure. Only by doing things will I get that moment in my brain that goes "oh this is it? Ok no more fear". I've been avoiding that for a while now thinking there's a better way, but I don't think there is. For me, don't know about anyone else, I think in their current form these subs can only take me so far. Dmsi is experimental though, we can't forget that.

So my biggest issue fear. Indirectly overcoming it? Not so successful. Directly? A lot more. Easy? Hell no. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder a while back. Talk about a limiting belief. But I say this because what I'm facing in my life now are some of my deepest fears. Ones most people don't even think twice about but for me constantly screwed up my own life in ways that would have most people scratching their heads. The problem is when you grow up a certain way it becomes difficult to untangle who you are vs your mental issues. There's this lack of a reference point. If you develop problems later in life, but you had a time period where you were ok and well adjusted you can always look back on that as a reminder. When you don't have that you don't have a concept of what could be.

Maybe I'm wrong and had the wrong perspective on how subliminals work and was hoping too much for a magic bullet. Maybe these are lessons I have to learn and bypassing them isn't in the design so to speak. I can't really know.

[mat422]

After writing that post I guess it stirred up some more stuff in me. For most of my life I've put others needs above my own. I thought I was being virtuous or something, but it turns out I never learned that it was ok to put myself first. There's nothing wrong with helping others, but my problem was I derived some sense of worth from being this perceived "good" person. So anytime I wanted to say no or consider myself I'd feel terrible.

This is really basic and essential stuff needed to build a healthy relationship with oneself and I guess I never really got it. Still learning this stuff on an emotional level. It makes sense on a more intellectual one. A lot of things in my life do, but that doesn't mean I understand them fully.

[dissonance]

Thanks RTBoss. Freeing her to find a better match is a good way to put it.

Alright so DMSI use update. I was experimenting with 6 loops. Way too much for me. I literally couldn't get out of bed in the morning. You know that feeling when you wake up slightly and you're like ok time to get up? I hit that point, but would instantly get knock out again. I'd do this 7 or 8 times before I actually could get out of bed. Concentration has been very poor as well and spelling mistakes are off the charts lol. Feels like I'm making a lot of progress with the internal stuff, but I don't have enough resources to keep my life in balance. So I've decided to go back to 4 loops. If that doesn't work out it's back to two. I guess my impatience got the better of me and I mistakenly assumed I'd be able to handle the higher loop count.

Mental changes. Noticed one day while I was on bumble going through the profiles I was like that's it? Not looks or anything, just overall lifestyle. Like 9/10 girls just did yoga, fitness, loved drinking. Just thought to myself that's kind of boring really. I don't know maybe more resistance kicking in making me super selective. But I'm not so impressed with just hot looks anymore.

Girl I've been chatting with sends me a text the other day with a screenshot of J. Coles- Wet Dreamz telling me it's her mood. I'd screenshot it, but it feels like a violation of her privacy so I won't. I feel like that's a huge sign of interest, but my dumbass still doubts it. The thing that confuses me about her is when I first talked to her I asked her what sort of things she really hates. She said guys, specifically fuckboys, asking to hang out and "see where things go". She said it's nondescript, but she knows where it's gonna go 9/10. But here she is sending me texts that are really sexually suggestive like she wants me to have sex with her. I'm thinking this is one of those cases where a woman says something that's only relevant to guys she doesn't like. Feel like if I don't make a move soon I'm gonna blow this lol. If anything I gotta talk to her, make sure she doesn't get too attached to me, and see what she wants. **** me, why's all this gotta be so complicated for me?

Is this the girl that you met up with for the first time irl you mentioned earlier? If it is, how is it going with that girl? Have you seen her again?

I'm actually for the first time in my life considering online dating, and it's definitely because of a shift in myself that occurred from DMSI 3.1a.

[mat422]

Yeah. Nah haven't seen her again yet. Our schedules don't really work out so it's hard. We'll see what happens. I'm not making any grand romantic gestures and trying to cram in seeing her on a tight schedule. Plus she's not very close to where I live. It's close to a 40 minute drive. I'm past those days. She's still really into me and I feel like I'm unintentionally playing hard to get with her. Always texting me and stuff, but it doesn't hold my interest all that much. Idk, still not sure where it's going. Just trying to do my own thing and see where it goes.

You should join online dating. Bumble has more women on it, but they have to message first. Tinder is alright, but I feel like since women have to sift though a bunch of douchebags and creeps, by the time they get to you they might just look you over. But just put yourself out there, even if nothing comes of it. It's still pushing your comfort zone a bit and that's good.

[mat422]

I really don't get dmsi sometimes. Last night when I listened I felt this power and courage. It felt like I was finally accepting the suggestions. But now it's closer to the end of the day and I've got a wicked headache and I feel like crying. It's almost like there's this lag before the sub really hits my subconscious. And when it does, ooph it's not pretty. The more I try to hold onto those more desirable feelings, the worse things can get.

I've found that as I work and heal though my issues they manifest in my life. Being overly judgemental when this happens seems to delay the healing. It's still something I have trouble with. It seems like I'm eager to embrace the idealized version of what I want and try to just sweep everything else under the rug and pretend it's not there

[dissonance]

Yeah. Nah haven't seen her again yet. Our schedules don't really work out so it's hard. We'll see what happens. I'm not making any grand romantic gestures and trying to cram in seeing her on a tight schedule. Plus she's not very close to where I live. It's close to a 40 minute drive. I'm past those days. She's still really into me and I feel like I'm unintentionally playing hard to get with her. Always texting me and stuff, but it doesn't hold my interest all that much. Idk, still not sure where it's going. Just trying to do my own thing and see where it goes.

You should join online dating. Bumble has more women on it, but they have to message first. Tinder is alright, but I feel like since women have to sift though a bunch of douchebags and creeps, by the time they get to you they might just look you over. But just put yourself out there, even if nothing comes of it. It's still pushing your comfort zone a bit and that's good.

So is the girl that texted you the j-cole song, just a match you been chatting with on tinder or another dating site? or what?