A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

Thanks guys, it was allright.. mainly just relaxing. Going to the city for the weekend though.. should be good, haven't gone for a while.

Your mum copied my birthday RTBoss Or maybe I did cos i'm younger haha.

[Benjamin]

Alot of emotions coming up today... but not 'resistance' or anything.

More purging, shifting, letting out alot of pain that I kind of thought I didn't even have. It's a little difficult to write because of the meaning of it to me.

I've started to feel like i'm making progress around my abandonment, then yesterday I think or the day before it come back up in force. One of the things i'm doing is reparenting type meditations for about a month or so.

I've been doing it imagining my biological mum.. but when i've been doing it i've known it's her i'm imagining but it hasn't been that clear. Well today when she come into it I seen her clearly, I haven't met her but seen photos from years ago and today that come into focus.

I've had thoughts of meeting her since I was 18 (can't until 18) but just emotionally I couldn't do it. I told myself I didn't want to, even during this process for the last month or so i've still told myself "Ok i'm feeling better, but I don't want to meet her".

And it seems that was still anger, hate, whatever towards her for giving me up that I wasn't aware of. It was just a blocked kind of feeling along with "I don't want to, I don't care".

Well during this meditation today, something shifted and all of a sudden I felt like "I want to meet her". And got emotional.

And I got up and went to find all the old letters from her, the last one was when I was around 21. And I read them, and I never connected with it at the time obviously.. but for the first time ever, I realized how much pain she was in, how she said most of the things I was thinking, that it's her fault, that she gave me up because back then it was seen as bad to be unmarried and having a kid and that she couldn't look after me, so because she loved me she felt this was the best chance for me and that it was the saddest time of her life.

I read all that back then obviously and I didn't believe it.. in my mind it was all bullshit, like she was making it up to pacify me. But that was my pain talking, today I connected with it and for the first time ever realized she's in just as much pain and regret that I didn't write back in the end because I just couldn't handle it.

So me and crying.. just doesn't really happen. Even recently my cousin died of cancer and I didn't cry, I just couldn't. Same when my grandma died and I went to her funeral. It's not that I wasn't sad or that I didn't care about them, I just couldn't and it was more a numb feeling.

Well reading through these letters today I did.. it come up in waves, especially reading the parts I mentioned and letters from my brother along with it and for the first time actually feeling how they really DO want to connect with me.. where before I felt like "Oh she's just saying it" and seeing her as someone in pain too, not just this woman that i'm angry at and hate.

The next step is calling the number, I was wanting to tonight but didn't.. honestly physically it's just picking up the phone, but it's gonna be a challenge. Because this is something i've been dealing with all my life and the pain from it.

Then later on today I had a ton more sadness come up and did a process on that, it got pretty intense then after it I felt incredibly sleepy, almost fell asleep at the computer at like 7pm. Now my heads hurting a bit, but I just know it's from processing.

So usually with all that stuff coming up i'd be frustrated like "fuck this, all this stuff is coming up". But with learning to be okay with feeling these things recently.. and the content of what come up, today was a good day. It is more a gift. I'm actually grateful for this.

[Duke.Togo]

Happy Belated Birthday Ben!

[SargeMaximus]

Wow, not gonna lie, I got a bit wattery in the eyes reading your last Ben.

I hope you do reconnect with your family. Thast would be amazing!

I'd just make sure the adoptive parents know it's not got anything to do with not loving them or anything. They might take it wrong.

Hope to hear good things on this!

[RTBoss]

Wow, not gonna lie, I got a bit wattery in the eyes reading your last Ben.

I hope you do reconnect with your family. Thast would be amazing!

I'd just make sure the adoptive parents know it's not got anything to do with not loving them or anything. They might take it wrong.

Hope to hear good things on this!

Me, too!

I've always been empathetic - but I feel like I could directly connect to your emotions reading your words, Ben. Thanks for sharing such a deep part of your life with us. What a gigantic hurdle to overcome, and for a program like DMSI to finally help get you there!?

Amazing.

[Duke.Togo]

I'm with RT and Sarge on this one. That was amazingly beautiful and that breakthrough will make massive changes in your life.

Someone once told me that allowing yourself to forgive someone is forgiving yourself.

I think you should make the call Brother. It will heal you and it will heal her.

[Choice]

Forgiveness is the greatest virtue of all.

I'm proud of you Benjamin, you're on the right path!

[Benjamin]

Thanks guys, I admit when I was posting that I nearly didn't.. and then I nearly deleted it because I was scared how it would be taken. So i'm glad you connected with it too.

I'd just make sure the adoptive parents know it's not got anything to do with not loving them or anything. They might take it wrong.

Good point, they have been pretty supportive of it in the past like when letters were exchanged years ago. But talking to someone tonight I thought of this aswell. My communication with them isn't totally open but I also feel meeting my biological mum and getting those things out there will help my relationship with my adoptive parents too.

I think you should make the call Brother. It will heal you and it will heal her.

I plan to tomorrow night, it's good that I finally connected with the fact that yes she is in pain over it too.

What a gigantic hurdle to overcome, and for a program like DMSI to finally help get you there!?

Yep.. I said to someone the other day that I haven't noticed the hoped results with girls and sex, or even seeing heaps of interest past them being more friendly when I talk to them.

BUT it leading me to these core wounded emotions and working on healing them... that is valuable.

[Benjamin]

Just got back from a mens group about a half an hour ago. I joined their facebook group 2 years ago, then I left and didn't goto a meeting.. I wasn't ready.

With the work i've been doing recently, I felt ready to. I joined, and it took me a whole week to post what I wanted to post. Posting things that make me feel vulnerable here is one thing, but posting it on a group with people in my town who I will meet in person.. was way more scary.

I'm glad I did, they had a more casual meeting tonight at a pub and I went to join. Started off a little hesitant, but they were cool guys and the conversation got pretty deep, most of the stuff I talk about here that I never really talk about with people in real life because I don't feel I usually can.

And signs of me opening up.

Basically I would NEVER talk to anyone about pua stuff openly, due to fear of judgement about it, or even fear that the other guy might get into it and have great success when I didn't. But tonight I noticed I just put it all out there, it might help that I realized the damage of it so partly talked about that, and it partly helped knowing it's a mens group and the guys are open and supportive.

But still alot of it shown how i'm starting to open up more. Some stuff I don't think i've ever opened up and said to other guys or really anyone, alot of it around recent learnings. Some of it i've shared online, but with people in front of me it's totally different.

Everyone left except me and the organizer and talked to him for like another hour or more.

And opening up so much, feeling like it's okay to do that.. is new but it was good. And he did too and sometimes I feel alone in my issues.. but to see other guys have gone through the same things is awesome.

One cool thing is he shared some feedback. He's certified in coaching and says that he is pretty intuitive which I can see.

Well.. he told me that i'm different than last time he seen me. I guess that's sometime last year. That before I just had this strong anger emanating from me and that it put him off and even scared him a little.. and now that i'm more open he's generally more interested in what I have to say, and that now I have this new depth to me that he didn't see before.

Good feedback, some days I feel like i'm not making progress but all this shows I have. I asked him "do you still feel that anger coming from me" and he said no not anymore.

I can't say for sure but I feel like this is due to the progress i've been making in the last month or so dealing with these core wounded emotions.

On a sidenote, all the guys were cool. But one of them seemed a little strange towards me, he was a big dude, more masculine than the others, but in the way i've been looking at things recently I wonder why I felt weird about him and he reacted that way towards me. When he come in I felt a vibe from him and seen him out of any of them as a potential threat and he seemed open towards the others and not me, and the way he was looking at me seemed he thought I was a potential threat or something too.

But then in the end when he left and said "Good to meet you" it felt pretty genuine, like he had mainly sat there and listened to the conversation between me and the other guys and maybe decided I wasn't what he initially thought.

There's some learning from that too for me to explore.

[Benjamin]

I had decided that tonight I would call my biological mum, I felt okay most of the day but as it got closer and closer to it I got more nervous.

I decided I would at 7pm because that's usually the time everyone is home and has eaten. Before it I meditated and allowed myself to feel the feelings coming up, it didn't really go away but I just decided "ok I can do this" and called.

No answer, voicemail. After that my head started hurting, the feelings got more intense, more feelings of rejection, and briefly I felt like "I can't do this, I just can't call again".

I went and sat down and explored these feelings coming up, meditated, allowed myself to feel them.

I waited until 8pm and I felt better this time, her husband answered (not my dad) and the reception was all fucked and couldn't hear so I hung up and rang again. My voice was a little shaky but I said who I was and my mum was asleep.

But she just woke up. Talked to her for an hour. And I could hear the happiness. And talked about some of the issues, I expressed alot of the things I always wanted to express. Asked her why she put me up for adoption.

She kept saying "I've always wanted to meet you, but you probably don't want to meet me, i'm a horrible person". She's on antidepressants and sounds like there's a whole lot of issues with the family in general, was saying how she just doesn't get along with the guy she's with and such. And a fair bit of negative stuff, but you know what.. I was okay with it and I actually said "That's okay, it's all a part of your life" and I meant it.. that and some of the other stuff I was saying shows the healing that's happened since I started working on this, as alot of it isn't something I would have said in the past.

And the understanding, seriously.. not angry, pissed off, hating her.. the lifelong patterns of that. Understanding, forgiveness.. i'm a little emotional just realizing that in this moment. She was saying how mature I am and how well i've done to take this on and work on it, and how she's guilty that she's been sitting around thinking about me but done nothing all these years, that she should have been the one to make contact as she's meant to be the mature adult and that I shouldn't have had to. I said "The important thing is that were reconnecting now". Alot of other things I won't say here.

Due to the shift I had a few days ago, all the words she said.. some of what she wrote in letters years ago. I believed as genuine, could see her in pain too.. and alot of it was actually me reassuring her.. again showing the value of the healing i've done recently. As most of it I wouldn't have been capable of not that long ago.

But this is what i'm opening up into.. and i'm happy. I'm so glad I made the call and didn't let the fear that was coming up stop me. Finally made the step to do what has been 'haunting' me all my life.

She told me about my brothers and sisters, got my brothers number as he was the one that knew about me the most as he is the oldest and said he will be excited as he always wanted to meet me. She's like 7 hours away from me, but this weekend i'm going to the city and my brother is half an hour away from where i'm staying. So that would be cool t meet him.

Also cool, after it I talked to my adoptive parents and told them. I can pretty much say it was the most open conversation we've ever had in my whole life. I told them how it had made me feel, how I didn't feel prepared to do it until now and such. And they also shared some things that were painful to them, and briefly I said one of the things i've wanted to say in that some of the way they had treated me has always made it hard to be independent. I didn't really expand on it as much as i'd like. But it's something i've never expressed.

And this rarely happens, maybe on a birthday or something.. both of them hugged me, telling me how proud they are of me, that it was a big step for me to do it.

My parents always used to tell me they loved me, but stopped around a teenager because i'd react badly to it, and it's never really been said since. Tonight my dad said it after he hugged me.

All that sounds like nothing, but those things just don't usually happen. The most real conversation i've probably ever had with them. Before doing this I had the feeling it would also open things up with them.

Anyway, i'm so glad I did this.

Holy fuck.. this is a little scary.. but good.

She just texted me and said "I can come to the city for the weekend to meet you". Yes, after talking to her I was starting to worry about this next step wondering when it might happen.

EDIT: Renamed the journal, despite listening to DMSI this journal isn't yet about my whoreness.. it's about wholeness so get your mind out of the gutter

[4Kingdoms]

At 48 y/o, my Mom and I had a DNA test done to find out about our health. 6 months later the company informed me they found my biological father. His wife contacted me, told me she had 5 children with him and insisted that I stay out of their lives!!

I had no interest in meeting them in person, to begin with, so no biggie. I got his medical information as my Doctor advised me and have not heard from them since.

Had they wanted to meet, I would have been open to inviting them to my home or fly out to their home 5 hours away.

---

I wish you well, I hope you meet your biological mum in person!!

[SargeMaximus]

Wow. I don't know what to say about all that Ben but it sounds like it went really well!

I'm trying to reconnect with my own family (the same family I've had my whole life, but just drifted apart) so this is inspiring to me.

[Shawn]

Man, great that it went so well. Hope meeting her will be also great.

[Have at ye]

Much respect.

Heh, the DMSI ver. A healing doesn't mess around, does it now? I don't write as detailed a journal as you do, but I've been dealing with issues of similar weight and import for me, personally, lately, and have been driven to resolve some even heavier stuff circa 2 months back.