DMSI 3.1 - The Journal

[Shawn]

Had a really bad night after B. Slept for about two hours then I was only half sleeping the rest of the night and had lot of dreams but only remember one of them where I ate a dinosaur. Whatever.

After waking up I felt overwhelmed and my head was still busy with processing and I also felt a lot of fear underneath. But at the same time I felt like I am really tired of having all the fear. I mean, there are people with worse experiences with women than me and some still do well. I really want to overcome all the stuff and start living my life instead of being in sort of stasis. I REALLY want this but still don't know how to let all this behind.

Today while listening to loops I didn't experience that extreme relaxed feeling and also wasn't that tired as yesterday. And most of the time I had a pleasant feeling in my heart chakra. But some negative feelings and memories come to the surface. B feels like it is smashing all your issues straight in your face and saying "Here, deal with it".

[SargeMaximus]

B was like that for me too but it also seemed to provide fuel to break through the issues. I liked it and I still want to go back on it but I'll resist that urge for the moment.

[Shawn]

B was like that for me too but it also seemed to provide fuel to break through the issues. I liked it and I still want to go back on it but I'll resist that urge for the moment.

I guess we will see how much fuel it will provide for me. Saying this I experience the wanting to get rid of fear and the other obstacles as positive.

[Shawn]

Update again. Yesterday I woke up very refreshed. My sleep was very good which surprised me because I expected negative effects on my sleep with B. However, I noticed that I have become somehow very neutral. Like I don't see any reactions neither attracting nor repelling.

Have been on a party later where the neutral feeling continued. Didn't notice any IOI's the way I am used to get with DMSI, just a few weak ones like pointing the foot toward me but only for a short time span. Also women which passed by made sure to not touch me if even possible, this only changed after most people were drunk there. Interesting enough I didn't feel some sort of social anxiety, I simply felt indifferent. Later after I had also drunk some alcohol I became very talkative. I have been talking to a bunch of girls and also to a few guys. They seem comfortable but no signs of sexual attraction from the girls, just some sort of comfort. One of them seemed to be a bit more interested than the other ones. We have been talking a bit and then she mentioned her (female) friend. The moment I said something that pretty much indicated that I have some interest in her friend. Don't know why I did this, it wasn't my intention to do something like that, it was simply stupid. However, not surprising that she left me alone after that. I saw her later leaving with another guy. Not saying I would have been the guy if I didn't do that but who knows.

So DMSI must have done some inner work because I have never been that talkative with people, even with alcohol. But there is some inhibition which prevents to do this when I didn't have a drink. Makes me think on Raj from Big Bang Theory right now, lol. Another interesting thing is that I am more motivated to do my study stuff. Don't know why as it has nothing to do with DMSI. Maybe P6 from MLS already working from the future (?). So far for now.

[Shawn]

I didn't update as there were not much to report. On B I got ghosted a view times - also while driving my car which was scary - but other than that nothing happened, also no resistance or something, simply nothing. So today I switched to A again and did two loops in the morning. I really starting to get impatient so I did another loop later in the afternoon. Don't know if it was a good idea or not but I didn't notice much of difference with exception of slightly more tension. Man, I really want to get some results before I get into exam preparations, at least some kisses and makeouts

[Shawn]

A seems to kick in as I see some signs of attraction again. Today while out for eating there was a group of girls in front of me. Only one seemed to be affected but got a foot display first. Later I got arm pits and boobs presentation and before I left I also got some bare foot presentations. During the day I also encountered here and there women who were staring at me. They looked away when I looked at them for some seconds but later they continued looking. Also got a good view on a panty but I think this was by accident as she was already sitting this way as I arrived.

On other note some inner things are going on. There are different things about my body that trigger insecurity easy. It improved on subs but it's still there. Today in the city I noticed a guy with most of the body traits I don't like on my body. But the thing is even with these traits this guy seemed confident as hell. That's where I was asking myself "If this guy can be confident as hell why I can't? It is simply a mindset, no more. He has many of the problems I have got but for some reason they aren't problems for him". It's not that I didn't knew that it is about the mindset but here I got it presented on a silver plate.

Last but not least, in my first post I said that MHS seemed to have identified some of the things which disturb my sleep. And it looks like it was really the case. Not saying my sleep is perfect but after sorting these things out it is much better.

[Shawn]

In the last days I tried to experiment with formats again and also loops. First about loops. Few days after I did a third loop with some hours gap between the two loops I tried three consecutive loops. The result was that after 2,5 loops I started to overload and had to stop. Tons of heat, high pulse and every time I thought about a sexy woman I felt like I am exploding so I was simply sitting there with window wide open and tried not to think about anything close related to women. A while after it started I felt like I am shutting down and I got into no-execute-mode until the end of the next day. Had also slightly headaches the next two days which is very uncommon to me. I don't know, maybe the overloading is also resistance based. Other thing I noticed, after about five minutes in the third loop I experienced a lot of fear. But the try with two consecutive loops and a third loop hours later seemed to work. Not much of difference but next day I noticed my state and internals were stronger than usual, not sure about outer effects so far. Anyway, today my gut told me to do two loops Trickling Stream as usual.

Let's get to formats. I was trying to avoid all tracks with ultrasonic inside as it seemed to make my resistance stronger. However, I tried again to do one loop Hybrid and one Masked. But not every day but every other day and ultrasonic levels had to be no more than -70dB at my place. I experienced some tiredness and confusion next day, not that bad but it was there. I just don't know what conclusion is to make here. Am I tired because stronger resistance and I should continue avoiding hybrid? Or am I tired because it is more powerful and triggers more resistance therefore? In second case I should probably continue listening using the pattern mentioned with hybrid.

Other than that not that much to report, just some dreams. In one dream there was a guy who has stolen my broomstick (yeah, you hear right...). I got really mad and started to beat him and I beat him almost to death until he promised to provide me a new one. Another dream was about my grandpa and me. We were in the second war and there were people who lost their lives for their country but nobody seemed to care. I was really sad and my grandpa was too but we couldn't show it as it was expected to us to make "business as usual".

Oh, and there was a third dream were I have broken the ASRB twice. And, oh wonder, today as I took my phone out of my pocket it fell out of my hands and disconnected from earbuds...ASRB broken....

[Shawn]

I had a dream where I was alone in the house and there was like another version of myself out there and he tried to come in into the house. At least it was my impression. I felt really afraid there but didn't know what to do. I thought about closing the door with another lock but in the same time I knew it would become harder to get out there if I needed to. I was also afraid to do it because it could get the attention of the other version of myself. Then I woke up. After waking up it seemed clear to me that it was me trying to get into the house where my subconscious was. But it made me sad to see my subconscious so afraid and I thought "Man, we really have to make clear that we are a friend and not a threat when we try to come in. And we really should treat the SC with respect as this is its territory and we should try to explain why we want/need to make the changes we want to make instead of simply doing it without any explanation."

So I know the script is already about convincing but this insight felt really important to me so maybe it can be even improved in these ways so we can be better recognized as "friends" and improve cooperation by making clear why the changes are so important for us. So far for now.

[Shawn]

Pretty frustrated right now. Was out tonight and felt really good, good confidence, comfort, I could own my space, felt relaxed - almost like home but still couldn't approach anyone. I don't get it, I mean it's not that hard to say something but I am unable to do so. Got strong IOI's from two girls, one of them was dancing in front of me with her mother I think and gave me most of the time good view on her ass. Even when she came back (I guess from bathroom) they continued dancing in front of me where they could do it anywhere on the dancefloor. Another one later was also dancing in front of me with ass toward me, after a while got armpits display and boobs display pretty much straight in front of my face. After I did nothing about it she moved to a different place. Had also an (older) woman taking seat by my side where most of seats were free. Bunch of opportunities. I don't know what's holding me back. It's not fear of rejection, that I am pretty sure about it, it seems to be something shame related, more like the fear to mess up and become shamed about it. But I am not completely sure. I really want (and need) to fix it as soon as possible but still don't know how. Anyway, time for bed.

[RTBoss]

Pretty frustrated right now. Was out tonight and felt really good, good confidence, comfort, I could own my space, felt relaxed - almost like home but still couldn't approach anyone. I don't get it, I mean it's not that hard to say something but I am unable to do so. Got strong IOI's from two girls, one of them was dancing in front of me with her mother I think and gave me most of the time good view on her ass. Even when she came back (I guess from bathroom) they continued dancing in front of me where they could do it anywhere on the dancefloor. Another one later was also dancing in front of me with ass toward me, after a while got armpits display and boobs display pretty much straight in front of my face. After I did nothing about it she moved to a different place. Had also an (older) woman taking seat by my side where most of seats were free. Bunch of opportunities. I don't know what's holding me back. It's not fear of rejection, that I am pretty sure about it, it seems to be something shame related, more like the fear to mess up and become shamed about it. But I am not completely sure. I really want (and need) to fix it as soon as possible but still don't know how. Anyway, time for bed.

Perhaps you're taking the interaction too far, mentally. You're taking too many steps at once. Instead of just dancing with her or saying "Hi," you're already back at her place or yours (in your head), and so you stop it before it starts.

Take it one step at a time. Just say, "Hi," or just start dancing. Then figure out what's next.

[Shawn]

Pretty frustrated right now. Was out tonight and felt really good, good confidence, comfort, I could own my space, felt relaxed - almost like home but still couldn't approach anyone. I don't get it, I mean it's not that hard to say something but I am unable to do so. Got strong IOI's from two girls, one of them was dancing in front of me with her mother I think and gave me most of the time good view on her ass. Even when she came back (I guess from bathroom) they continued dancing in front of me where they could do it anywhere on the dancefloor. Another one later was also dancing in front of me with ass toward me, after a while got armpits display and boobs display pretty much straight in front of my face. After I did nothing about it she moved to a different place. Had also an (older) woman taking seat by my side where most of seats were free. Bunch of opportunities. I don't know what's holding me back. It's not fear of rejection, that I am pretty sure about it, it seems to be something shame related, more like the fear to mess up and become shamed about it. But I am not completely sure. I really want (and need) to fix it as soon as possible but still don't know how. Anyway, time for bed.

Perhaps you're taking the interaction too far, mentally. You're taking too many steps at once. Instead of just dancing with her or saying "Hi," you're already back at her place or yours (in your head), and so you stop it before it starts.

Take it one step at a time. Just say, "Hi," or just start dancing. Then figure out what's next.

Well, I have been really thinking about it and about the last night but this is not what happens. I was not further with my thoughts than dancing and coming closer while dancing - which felt good! Like I said it has to be something shame related because while thinking about it a situation from my past came up where I was at school and wanted to answer the question the teacher has asked. But I misunderstood something and as I answered the whole class - including the teacher - started to laugh me out and I just stood there and my face became full red. So I always avoided speaking in class and every time I tried to then something similar happened. And something similar also happened on my AM6 run at stage 3. I was at a party with a guy I know and while he was chatting with someone he knows I checked my phone. Then two girls came up, took my hand and literally dragged me to the dancefloor and we started dancing. Then I asked their names and after I did they clearly wanted to separate and they also did. A moment later I saw them with a third girl laughing and looking in my direction. This is like a curse and in that situation I don't even know what went wrong because asking their names is not something bad imho.

So there is some insecurity and I feel sometimes like a computer who needs a clear 1 or 0 to progress. If I don't get something that clear - and it's never the case with girls - I get stuck. I just hope DMSI can make enough change to be able to progress regardless.

[RTBoss]

Pretty frustrated right now. Was out tonight and felt really good, good confidence, comfort, I could own my space, felt relaxed - almost like home but still couldn't approach anyone. I don't get it, I mean it's not that hard to say something but I am unable to do so. Got strong IOI's from two girls, one of them was dancing in front of me with her mother I think and gave me most of the time good view on her ass. Even when she came back (I guess from bathroom) they continued dancing in front of me where they could do it anywhere on the dancefloor. Another one later was also dancing in front of me with ass toward me, after a while got armpits display and boobs display pretty much straight in front of my face. After I did nothing about it she moved to a different place. Had also an (older) woman taking seat by my side where most of seats were free. Bunch of opportunities. I don't know what's holding me back. It's not fear of rejection, that I am pretty sure about it, it seems to be something shame related, more like the fear to mess up and become shamed about it. But I am not completely sure. I really want (and need) to fix it as soon as possible but still don't know how. Anyway, time for bed.

Perhaps you're taking the interaction too far, mentally. You're taking too many steps at once. Instead of just dancing with her or saying "Hi," you're already back at her place or yours (in your head), and so you stop it before it starts.

Take it one step at a time. Just say, "Hi," or just start dancing. Then figure out what's next.

Well, I have been really thinking about it and about the last night but this is not what happens. I was not further with my thoughts than dancing and coming closer while dancing - which felt good! Like I said it has to be something shame related because while thinking about it a situation from my past came up where I was at school and wanted to answer the question the teacher has asked. But I misunderstood something and as I answered the whole class - including the teacher - started to laugh me out and I just stood there and my face became full red. So I always avoided speaking in class and every time I tried to then something similar happened. And something similar also happened on my AM6 run at stage 3. I was at a party with a guy I know and while he was chatting with someone he knows I checked my phone. Then two girls came up, took my hand and literally dragged me to the dancefloor and we started dancing. Then I asked their names and after I did they clearly wanted to separate and they also did. A moment later I saw them with a third girl laughing and looking in my direction. This is like a curse and in that situation I don't even know what went wrong because asking their names is not something bad imho.

So there is some insecurity and I feel sometimes like a computer who needs a clear 1 or 0 to progress. If I don't get something that clear - and it's never the case with girls - I get stuck. I just hope DMSI can make enough change to be able to progress regardless.

So you don't like to be laughed at, is that the gist?

Learn to laugh at yourself. We all make mistakes. Even if people laugh at you, if you show them you don't care by laughing with them, it shows them it doesn't bother you. Furthermore, you're teaching THEM that it's ok to make mistakes, have flaws, and dust off without issue.

You may also want to consider that when people laugh at you, they're not necessarily laughing and thinking, "Gawd, what a moron!" Maybe the girl in the situation you referred to thought you did something "cute," and it made her giggle.

You can turn these situations in your favor by not letting other people define them for you. For example, we recently traded in my sporty sedan for a new minivan. I always had a lot of shame surrounding that possibility (oddly, until DMSI). But it's been amazing, in its convenience, technology level, safety, etc. I love that thing. I went to meet with some people I hadn't seen in YEARS, and my brother told them all to give me grief for buying a minivan. I got there, and immediately got shit on for it. Instead of getting defensive, I laughed and said, "What!? I fucking LOVE my new Loser Cruiser! Wanna take it for a test drive!? " Shut them right down.

[Shawn]

Pretty frustrated right now. Was out tonight and felt really good, good confidence, comfort, I could own my space, felt relaxed - almost like home but still couldn't approach anyone. I don't get it, I mean it's not that hard to say something but I am unable to do so. Got strong IOI's from two girls, one of them was dancing in front of me with her mother I think and gave me most of the time good view on her ass. Even when she came back (I guess from bathroom) they continued dancing in front of me where they could do it anywhere on the dancefloor. Another one later was also dancing in front of me with ass toward me, after a while got armpits display and boobs display pretty much straight in front of my face. After I did nothing about it she moved to a different place. Had also an (older) woman taking seat by my side where most of seats were free. Bunch of opportunities. I don't know what's holding me back. It's not fear of rejection, that I am pretty sure about it, it seems to be something shame related, more like the fear to mess up and become shamed about it. But I am not completely sure. I really want (and need) to fix it as soon as possible but still don't know how. Anyway, time for bed.

Perhaps you're taking the interaction too far, mentally. You're taking too many steps at once. Instead of just dancing with her or saying "Hi," you're already back at her place or yours (in your head), and so you stop it before it starts.

Take it one step at a time. Just say, "Hi," or just start dancing. Then figure out what's next.

Well, I have been really thinking about it and about the last night but this is not what happens. I was not further with my thoughts than dancing and coming closer while dancing - which felt good! Like I said it has to be something shame related because while thinking about it a situation from my past came up where I was at school and wanted to answer the question the teacher has asked. But I misunderstood something and as I answered the whole class - including the teacher - started to laugh me out and I just stood there and my face became full red. So I always avoided speaking in class and every time I tried to then something similar happened. And something similar also happened on my AM6 run at stage 3. I was at a party with a guy I know and while he was chatting with someone he knows I checked my phone. Then two girls came up, took my hand and literally dragged me to the dancefloor and we started dancing. Then I asked their names and after I did they clearly wanted to separate and they also did. A moment later I saw them with a third girl laughing and looking in my direction. This is like a curse and in that situation I don't even know what went wrong because asking their names is not something bad imho.

So there is some insecurity and I feel sometimes like a computer who needs a clear 1 or 0 to progress. If I don't get something that clear - and it's never the case with girls - I get stuck. I just hope DMSI can make enough change to be able to progress regardless.

So you don't like to be laughed at, is that the gist?

Learn to laugh at yourself. We all make mistakes. Even if people laugh at you, if you show them you don't care by laughing with them, it shows them it doesn't bother you. Furthermore, you're teaching THEM that it's ok to make mistakes, have flaws, and dust off without issue.

You may also want to consider that when people laugh at you, they're not necessarily laughing and thinking, "Gawd, what a moron!" Maybe the girl in the situation you referred to thought you did something "cute," and it made her giggle.

You can turn these situations in your favor by not letting other people define them for you. For example, we recently traded in my sporty sedan for a new minivan. I always had a lot of shame surrounding that possibility (oddly, until DMSI). But it's been amazing, in its convenience, technology level, safety, etc. I love that thing. I went to meet with some people I hadn't seen in YEARS, and my brother told them all to give me grief for buying a minivan. I got there, and immediately got shit on for it. Instead of getting defensive, I laughed and said, "What!? I ***** LOVE my new Loser Cruiser! Wanna take it for a test drive!? " Shut them right down.

Yeah, that seems to be really an issue for me and everything which seems related is triggering it again and again. I hope DMSI get this handled in the same way as your shame about minivans.

[Shawn]

Just for the records:

Loop numbers two days ago: 2 loops (hybrid/ts)
Loop numbers yesterday: 1 loop ts
Loop number today: 2 consecutive (hybrid/ts), 1 loop later (hybrid)