The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

Great journal man, lots of great stuff and insights. Keep on trucking.

Thanks. Glad you got something out of my ramblings haha.

I owe 8,000 dollars in student loans and while that's not too much I still hate the fact I haven't paid it off.

Pay Off: How One Millennial Eliminated Nearly $80,000 in Student Debt in Less Than Five Years
https://www.amazon.com/Pay-Off-Millennia...566&sr=1-2

Interesting I'll have to give this a look. Have you read it?

[4Kingdoms]

I owe 8,000 dollars in student loans and while that's not too much I still hate the fact I haven't paid it off.

Pay Off: How One Millennial Eliminated Nearly $80,000 in Student Debt in Less Than Five Years
https://www.amazon.com/Pay-Off-Millennia...566&sr=1-2

Interesting I'll have to give this a look. Have you read it?

Amazon just started this new program for Prime members https://www.amazon.com/kindle-dbs/fd/nonprime-pr
New titles are selected each month. "Pay Off" among others is this month, February.

I actually found out the day before about this new program before I read your journal. I will be reading "Pay Off" this weekend.

[mat422]

Oh cool. Let me know how it is.

---

So I went to the city last night. A few months ago I probably wouldn't have been able to do that without massive anxiety. But I did notice something that I need to work on. When I'm around a lot of people I don't know, I get intensely anxious. And to counteract this anxiety I'll sort of space out or dissociate from my surroundings. But yesterday I tried to stay with the anxiety and be as present as possible. It made me realize I'm not as far over my anxiety as I had assumed. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least by acknowledging that I still struggle with it a bit I can understand where my exhaustion comes from at times.

One thing that stuck out to me is this anxiety just made me feel like everyone was judging me intensely. But I know it's just me projecting my own insecurities onto the blank canvas of strangers. Interestingly enough in the past by assuming those projections were actual fact I would act in a way that manifested those insecurities. A self fulfilling prophecy pretty much.

Goal moving forward is to be with myself as much as possible in day to day life and not slip into that dissociated state. In order to learn to manage my emotions I can't check out. This also happens when I'm attempting to work on something I might perceive as difficult. I'll go through the motions of whatever it is I'm doing, but I'm not mentally there and there is no real learning taking place or comprehension. My mistake was thinking I could merely relax away anxiety, but it turns out the relaxation was actually a dissociated state in disguise. Trying to disarm these defense mechanisms will be the key to my success moving forward.

[mat422]

Been having some issues lately with cravings. Had a screw it moment and binged on some junk food. My own awareness of my eating habits has definitely increased since running AM6. It's a bad cycle. When I'm worn out from dealing with customers all day at work I get this craving for sugary crap. I've been pretty good about it so far, but I slip up from time to time. Same goes for coffee, when I'm feeling more depressed than usual I have a few cups. But it hurts me in the long run in favor of that brief immediate satisfaction. It's funny though because I'll have these moments where I tell myself it's all in my head and I should just enjoy whatever I eat. But I can feel it in my body, none of this stuff is healthy.

So far AM6 has been keeping me on track with stuff. A few slip ups here and there. I think at this point it's just a matter of adopting healthier habits and not giving into the urges that are unhealthy.

[mat422]

I think I'm just going to stop assuming certain stages will be smoother than others and go with whatever happens. Not as much relief in stage 4 as I anticipated.

That being said, I'm learning to remain more calm and observant of my emotions instead of being sucked into them lately. This is different than the dissociated feeling though. When I dissociate, I don't really feel much of anything and it's like I'm hiding from whatever it is that's bothering me. Now it's more like staying calm and relaxed and facing things. Still a lot coming to the surface that I thought I was done with.

It feels like I have these moments where I lose myself. I get wrapped up in financial worry and stress about finding a job and benefits and blah blah blah. All that survival fear based shit. It throws me off track. I used to think I needed to change or become someone who fits in more. But now I realize what I really need is just the confidence to do my own thing and follow my own path. The lifestyle I was taught to follow growing up isn't me and I'm done feeling like a failure because I don't fit into that framework.

But realistically speaking, no I don't exactly have my shit together. But a lot of this journey has been about finding myself again so I can be happy. Not achieve some outward goal that's deemed "successful" but makes me feel dead inside.

[mat422]

Shannon or anyone else who has any insight on this, please let me know your opinion.

I've been upping my usage of AM6 to about 12-13 hours. But I've noticed I'm not as cognitively strong. Lots of spelling mistakes, thinking is kind of hazy. This would be ok if I didn't have to do anything in my life haha. But currently I'm working on my programming skills and I find it's very hard to come up with the solutions. It feels like my brain just isn't making the right connections and it's frustrating. I really want to push through everything holding me back, but at the same time if I can't focus to build up my skillset I'm shooting myself in the foot.

I might have to go back down to 8 hours only at night because at this rate ,despite feeling like I'm growing faster, I find it nearly impossible to get things done. I don't know if that's a result of emotional turbulence or the fact that maybe I'm giving my brain too much info and not enough time to process.

[mat422]

Never mind about the last post, I'm just gonna keep going. It was just resistance. But I wanted to talk about something else.

I feel like a terrible person. I'm cold, cynical, and most of my thoughts are overwhelmingly negative. I just don't want to be this person anymore. I want to have thoughts that naturally want to lift people up around me, not cut them down to make me feel better. And I don't want to be among positive people and feel like it's all bullshit and fake. There's this darker side to me where I repress all these nasty horribly things I might think about others because I want to be a good person. But I feel like I've been deluding myself and trying to convince myself I'm a good person. And maybe I am a good person and I'm just struggling with dealing with the cognitive dissonance of my more undesirable thoughts. But the fact remains that I don't think truly positive people try to be positive, they just are. I need to be more open and connected, but I want it to come from a place of authenticity. Not for the sake of being perceived as a good person.

[mat422]

Ok that last post spurred something in me. It's a pattern that occurs a lot with this sub. I get closer to breaking through and finding a way out of my own misery, but then I start thinking things like "this isn't me" or "I'm not really like this, I'm just faking it". And that's what causes me to spiral back into my unwanted behavior under the assumption that it's really my true self.

I'm going to focus on building myself up from now on. To stop believing the negative thoughts I tell myself and refuse to acknowledge them as the truth. I've been resisting the changes a lot in this sub. I keep dwelling on the negative and expecting the sub to magically pull me out of these states or reverse my thinking. But that's wrong. I have to change my thinking. I have to break my habit of constantly beating myself up. Ultimately I'm the one doing it to myself and I'm the only one that can stop it.

[mat422]

Sitting here, thinking about all this technology from the subs and I'm incredibly grateful for it. But the stronger and more powerful this technology gets, I can't help but feel the less hands off I start getting.

There are people in this world who fulfill their dreams and live amazing lives without these subliminals. Through the use of their own minds alone. To me that's inspirational because it shows the power we all hold.

See if you're anything like me you've probably convinced yourself in a 1000 different ways why you aren't ready to grow or change. Too much fear still in you, subconscious resistance, negative upbringing, other people being more lucky, etc. Whatever it is, it's all self imposed. Shannon could go all the way up to 9G or whatever and I'll bet there will still be people who resist. Just based on the belief alone that there has to be something outside of themselves to facilitate change.

I'm pretty much making a promise from this day forward to accept responsibility for my life and to stop using subconscious resistance or fear as a scapegoat. I've spent too long waiting for something to change me instead of changing myself. I'll move forward despite the fear or resistance, I won't wait for it to resolve before going after what I want because I understand now that by avoiding what I need to do I give that resistance and fear more power.

[mat422]

And a lesson was learned. When you try to fight off resistance or fear it just causes more stress. Fighting a battle isn't the way to go with this stuff, I realize that now. Also rereading reality transurfing and it pretty much turns the entire concept of what I've been told growing up on its head. Trying to internalize more of the principles so I can live a better life.

These past few days there have been a lot of ups and downs. Feeling like I was stronger and pushing past things, then feeling weak, then feeling bad about not being able to push past things anymore, etc. It never occurred to me that what I'm going through is just like any other time I've tried to learn something new or perfect a skill. There's growth, then a challenge, then more growth. During those challenging times it makes you want to quit, but that just means a breakthrough is right around the corner.

Basically I'm going to stop overanalyzing this whole process in hopes of somehow making it work better and just accept it for what it is. Something I really suck at for some reason. I just need to get out of my head. Also to stop worrying about the end results of AM6. At the end of this run if my life still isn't as together as I want it to be I guess I just need to grow some more. Not much more I can do than that and putting the pressure of making this AM6 run the one that completely turns my life around has been stressing me out too much.

[mat422]

Shannon if you read this, wondering if you could give me your input.

I feel like I maybe resisted a lot of the changes during stage 3. Not completely stonewalling, but enough where I'm thinking I missed out a bit. I'm currently on stage 4. How much carryover is there from stage 3 into the later stages?

[ffaux]

From past experience I've hypothesised that the stage progressions is continuous, that is to say that I hold the belief that a lot of stage 3 carries over into stage 4. I wouldn't worry too much, just keep going.

[mat422]

From past experience I've hypothesised that the stage progressions is continuous, that is to say that I hold the belief that a lot of stage 3 carries over into stage 4. I wouldn't worry too much, just keep going.

Ok cool, thanks for the help.

---

It dawned on me this morning that my head is still filled with paranoid PUA crap I internalized during my teens. Those stupid blanket statements that were said about women in general, just trying to shake those off. Especially those redpillers, what a woman hating cult that one is. I gravitated towards a lot of that shit because it guaranteed success or was a formula, you didn't have to face failure. But I'd rather crash and burn as myself and learn from that nowadays than trying to act in a certain way to get a favorable response. I wish I never filled my head with that nonsense. I always thought it gave me the edge over other guys, but it was possibly the most beta thing I could do. Hiding behind routines and strategies to avoid actually putting myself out there. When I can look at a woman and not have all that retarded PUA crap flood my brain, I'll know I'm making progress.

[mat422]

Man, it seems I've fallen into one of my pits of despair again without realizing it. I think my biggest problem is since I'm such an all or nothing guy I tend to view things as either on top of the world or crushingly pathetic. So when I'm down on myself I try to convince myself I am alpha or confident or whatever and obviously it fails because I don't believe it. But I realized that shouldn't mean I throw out all the positive. It's like I'm constantly oscillating between a state of intense misery or happiness. The middle area is rarely touched because it seems like in my head I have a hard time accepting the fact that both can exist simultaneously. It's like I perceive any flaw I have as a sign of failure instead of accepting it for what it is and focusing on my positive qualities.

I realize my error now in the past when I'd be firm about making a change in my life and to stop being negative and then it fails. It's because I did too much too soon. Expecting myself to do a complete 180 just because of a shift in my mindset and when it didn't happen I spiraled out. Now looking at myself there's a lot I've been telling myself that's been hurting me and is unnecessary. It's not that positive thinking doesn't work, it's just I haven't been doing positive thinking for myself. I've been doing it to get somewhere, to be someone worthy. But that's all the wrong reasons. I should think positively because I love myself, not to fulfill my perfectionism.

This whole quest for being alpha, the original intention was fueled by insecurity. But I've come to understand even if I finish this sub and don't become alpha, the most important thing I can do is realize that being alpha doesn't determine my own self worth. I've been carrying around this heavy burden on my shoulders to be someone unique, powerful, successful. It's been a burden that's crushed my spirit in more ways than I can count. I don't feel like I'm living. Every day is like waking up to this constant anxiety of being unable to just be myself. For some reason all my life when I've tried to like myself or give myself my own approval I felt like I didn't deserve it. Like even if for some reason I became happy and content with who I was I was just being delusional and the harsh things people might say were taken as more of the truth. It feels like the walls are coming down and my core self is shining through more. And I want to keep facilitating that growth and just be myself without having anything to prove to anyone.